AIBU to not tell my mum about cheating dad?

[Cutie18327]

Very very long story short...

Suspicious that my dad is cheating on my mum for a period of two years. My partner has tried talking to my dad but he hasn't stopped visiting said woman. I am planning on confronting him directly (I am his daughter, so it's a very delicate situation and conversation), but my husband is under the impression that I should go straight to my mum. I worry for her health following the fall out of a potential affair.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting to confront my dad without her knowledge in the hope that he will stop? Of course if he continues past this conversation then I will tell her.

Hi OP, what a difficult situation to be in....

I would tell her, she deserves to know the truth.

Knowledge is power and all that....

When you confront your dad, could you tell him that if he doesn't tell your mum, you will?

Are you happy to live in that lie for the rest of your life? You’d never be fully honest with your mum again. Does she deserve to be left in the dark and have her choices removed?

It's a bit late to ask this now, but why are you and your husband even involving yourselves? They're grown adults and it's their marriage. Mind your own business and let them run their own lives.

@Cutie18327 my initial thought was your instinct is good, go to your Dad first but then I thought of myself in your Mum's position, how would I feel if this happened to me?

Your Dad has, without compunction, chosen to betray her, he has chosen deceit over honour.

You should not protect him, that makes you complicit in his lie.

There is no doubt that this will be hard for you @Cutie18327.

Understandably you are concerned about the possible fall-out but your Mum deserves honesty, otherwise she will feel so stupid and hurt that everyone else knew but she was kept in the dark.

It is she that deserves your loyalty, not your Dad.

She can then decide, with this knowledge, what is best for her going forward.

You should tell your mum first, to give her time to get her ducks in a row should the marriage end.

Your dad isn’t going to stop his affair just because you told him too. He obviously wants to be with this woman and may just call time on the marriage now that you know.

Your mum needs to know. I’m so sorry. I know all too well what a shitty situation this is.

What if she already knows? Is there a possibility that this could be the case? Do you have all of the facts before you go to your dad?

Some people are in relationships that we don't condone, or understand, and those types of people could be our parents.

Tread carefully!

You’d turn a blind eye if one of your parents was having an affair? Of course they should be involving themselves since they have found out this info. Who just finds that out and decides oh that’s not my business and just goes about their daily life, when it’s their own mother being cheated on?!

Why do you worry for her health?

The problem with not telling her is that you take her agency away from her and chances are, even if your DF stops seeing this particular woman, he will start seeing someone else at some point in the future, possibile when your DM has fewer options. Also, she needs to go to a GUM clinic regardless of whether your father stops seeing the other woman.

Do you know for certain it's an affair? Do you have evidence or confirmation or are you just going to blow up your mum's life with a maybe?

You say DH has spoken to him, what did he say exactly? Did he deny or confirm because you still use the word “suspicions”. Unless you know for certain, I would not be informing your mum. Speak to your dad properly first and get some established facts.

This.

Reminded me of an episode in Friends. Joey’s mother knew about the affair and chose to keep quiet.

Do you think your mum would leave if she knew? What is the issue with her health? How is their relationship generally?

It feels as if there are many things unknown in this situation. The age of your parents, the health of both of them, have they had a happy marriage, are they happy now? How did you become aware of this relationship that your father has? What your father’s reaction was when your partner asked him about it.
I know that lots of people won’t agree with this view - the younger me certainly didn’t- but it may be the case that your mum knows and is okay (I don't say happy) with it as long as he stays. Relationships can change greatly over time
Don’t let your intervention be the thing that blows up a situation that your mum has decided she can live with and gives your dad the chance to leave

⬆️ All of what @Eviebeans says. There's so much you've left out in order to make your OP short.

This is an awful situation for you but if that was me and my child knew my dh was having an affair and didn’t tell me I would feel hurt by both of them! Better to be honest tell your mum what u know and also tell her that u understand if she wants to ignore it! Good luck

I have been in the exact same situation as you OP. I found out my dad was cheating. My mum’s mental health hadn’t been great for a while, all due to suspecting him of cheating, gaslighting her etc. I told my dad he tells her or I would. He was furious, told me I didn’t understand relationships (I’d been married 16 years at that point). The not knowing was destroying my mum I couldn’t let that carry on.

He told her a couple of days later. She was devastated at first, immediately told him it was over. It took a while, maybe a year but she is so much stronger without him, she’d been constantly paranoid about what he was doing, walking on eggshells, looking for evidence, she was really struggling. She’s definitely happier now!!

I’d want my daughter to tell me

I don’t understand this sentiment on these threads. If she already knows then no harm done in telling her, and then the OP doesn’t have to worry about it anymore.

OP, I have been in your situation, I told my mum straight away to be honest. My mum deserves to know the truth about her life and regain her agency. It was an upsetting time for everyone but she deserved to know, and I could never have kept it from her. Besides anything else, I didn’t want her to catch an STD!!

Because it's awkward when someone confronts another person with a truth they think is unknown. It puts that person in the position of lying about knowing or defending why they're okay with what has been going on. It's even more awkward when it's your parents.

So, yes, great harm can be done. It can damage the relationship because someone has to be prepared for the prospect that the relationship between their parents isn't what they thought it was etc.

Only fools rush in.

She may well not choose to end the marriage, and you need to prepare for that. Don’t try to force her hand.

in a long term marriage different things become important to different couples, and an affair won’t necessarily be a deal breaker. To some people it’s not that big a deal, other things such as companionship, friendship, stability etc outweigh fidelity.

How did you find out about this in the first place, and what did he say when confronted ?

Thank you all for your responses, it has definitely given me food for thought. Just to add a bit more context.

They are in their 60s and have had a happy relationship up until now.
I am concerned about my mums health as she recently (last 6 months) has had two episodes of what seemed like a heart attack
I had messaged said woman (who is a mutual friend of both of my parents and I have had contact with her in the past so it's not totally weird), and told her to stay away. She did not reply but left my message on read.
When confronted previously, my dad said that it's not what we think but he did not deny going there or seeing her.
Our main evidence is that phone tracking data (voluntary) that pinpoints him at her house and making out that he is working (he once went there in the middle of the night when my mum was asleep without even mentioning he left the house).

There are a lot of issues at play there, including close family deaths that may have impacted mental states amongst other things. But the crux of the matter is in my head I'm protecting my mum, but I realise I may be blinded by trying to save their marriage, or being afraid of things changing.

You need to be 100% sure (sounds like you are). Personally I would be devastated if my daughter knew and didn't tell me. Double betrayal almost.

You don’t know this is an affair. Maybe the woman is ill, maybe there’s some other stuff going on, of course you think it’s suspicious but your dad already said it’s not what you think - and it might not be. You need to tread carefully here.

what outcome would you want ? Your mum to leave ? Then what? What would divorce look like financially ?