Why does tension between women at work seem so common?

[WryJadeWren]

This isn’t about all women and I’m not saying men never behave badly at work either. But I’ve noticed that some of the most uncomfortable workplace dynamics I’ve seen have been between women - things like subtle undermining, exclusion, nitpicking or coldness that doesn’t seem linked to performance. Often there’s no obvious conflict or competition, which makes it harder to understand or address.

AIBU?

They never grew out of playground bullying. They just got older and moved their awfulness to professional settings.

To be pitied!

My worst and most sly co-workers have been men. My longest standing allies/friends at work are all women.

I don't think it's about sex, it's about people. Some people are bastards

This

It’s been the opposite experience for me. The women band together, we have a network, and really help each other. Maybe it’s the culture of the company I work for and they hire people who fit that sort of dynamic?

It’s not been my experience personally, my worst work relationship experiences have involved men.

I think on the whole though, women are held to a far higher standard in every social situation, which means they are open to criticism apparently.

I’ve not had this experience OP.

Not sure what industry you are in OP, but I’ve never experienced this.
The absolutely worst colleagues I have had to work with were sexist ( sexual comments, misogynistic comments) men. Note to say, that I’ve also worked with absolutely delightful men.

My experience has been that overt tension, rivalry and outright enmity has skewed overwhelmingly male.

I have worked with brilliant women and brilliant men, but the “tricky” ones have generally been women. Now I’m over 50 I’m no longer emotional about work, but women generally are emotional about it, take things personally and as such are less straightforward to get along with.

As a senior woman I often feel like I'm walking a tightrope between being liked and being respected. Sometimes that means I have to pick someone up on something they've done wrong and they don't like because I'm not being 'kind'.

NHS is notorious and well known for its bullying culture and the staff are over 75% female

I've been working for 40 years and this is not my experience at all

This!

I work in a male-dominated environment (70-80% male, even higher at senior levels) and of my top 3 worst ever bosses, two were women. I think I literally have PTSD from working with one of them. She is - and I say this with zero remorse - an absolute cunt. However, she’s a cunt to everyone. So not really a female-female dynamic.

This.

Men learn to laugh off bullying in the main when it's not physical.

For women, bullying is verbal. That continues for life. In 20 years in management I dealt with one case of bullying...badly I have to admit...it was females who didn't get on. I just separated them and things improved...but I should have been firmer before

I’ve never experienced this. I am a senior manager and work in a male dominated industry but I have plenty of female colleagues and my director is a woman. She’s the best boss I’ve ever had, and the female boss I had before her I thought would be impossible to beat. I’ve never had or witnessed any difficult dynamics between women, nor the men for that matter.

Ive worked in senior roles in a number of small companies and I know most people have an opinion about me. Based on staff surveys most seem to think I run a good or better organisation, and I think they overall like me (as a manager not a friend). There tends to be one female, most times,who clearly sticks pins in me at home and then ends up making a complaint against me (which is not upheld.)

I just focus on rhe good these days and dont fret about the complainers. The pattern seems to be it is something they thought i did wrong or that upset them, but instead of dealing with it thry stew for 18 months and then explode a vitriolic complaint.

A lot of it stems from imposter syndrome.

The best workplaces from my experience have been mixed male female, mixed ages etc. Seems to create a good balance

I think surface level, there can be more obvious tensions amongst female co-workers. In an ebb and flow sort of way.

The worst experiences I have had in the workplace have always been with men though. Any negative interactions with female colleagues over the years pale into insignificance in comparison.