To ask how you’ve overcome feeling lonely?

[workworkbloodywork]

From the outside it probably looks like I have a great life, I’m married have a job that takes me to lovely places often, have 2 kids and the youngest I do a lot of a certain hobby with.

but I can’t kick feeling so lonely. My marriage has become more distant and the more I try to say how I feel the worse it seems to feel. In my DD company as she’s little I struggle to not feel lonely then.

I have friends but they aren’t a group they are all more individual and we are all what you would perceive to be independent women. I don’t for one minute think they would expect me to feel like this and I don’t know how you get the gumption to say that you do to people.

So anyone that has been here, how’d you get yourself out of feeling this way?

Be more proactive about arranging things with your friends and getting in touch

I’m experiencing a lonely era. I’m so busy with work and kids I didn’t realise what a dark lonely hole I had created for myself. OH works long hours and my family live 3 hours drive away.

I can’t continue on this path of solitude so I am actively changing my ‘norm’. I hosted a small party for my MIL last week and am making sure I have at least one meet up booked that I will stick to (hosting an informal dinner for friends at mine).

I have a baby and don’t like to use babysitters so that excuse has become a shield against going out in the big wide world. Hence my decision to bring socialising to our home.

Sorry to read that you feel so lonely. What is it you want to fix? To repair your marriage so you feel like a team, or to expand your friendship circle? Spend less time as a mum and more on your own interests?

I joined a choir. I cant sing for shit or anything but its a nice meet up once a week and a fee outings every so often.

Ive also started forcing myself to make small talk with people even for 5 mins, its a human connection and I need that. I work from home and that cant change. My extended family is fractured and that cant change. My husband is more and more distant and that cant change.

Do you have any interests?

It sounds like you can't talk about your real feelings with anyone in your life. You might be surprised that they also feel the same as you, your friends. Or not. But this is probably the source of loneliness. I have been very lonely and I am not anymore because I have more emotionally intimate friendships and improved my existing relationships. Maybe you could broach the topic subtly to one friend you feel closest to, to see how it goes?

I got caught in the mum/wife busy life and actually sacrificed so much of myself for my husband and family that I became very lost and lonely, it’s hard when you’ve got little ones but I force myself to be social now. Usually once per month I’ll do something either girls night, or even family night get together. I make sure to make play dates with toddlers friends so socialise with the mums. And I go to the gym three mornings a week. This all keeps me active and from feeling lonely.
Also the marriage part- it’s got so much harder to like each other and connect since kids, so we have to also schedule in time together. I’ll be honest it’s mostly me who does the organising- but we make it a thing to do date nights and then the odd night or weekend away. I appreciate its not that easy if you don’t have childcare or family to support though.

Organise weekly meet ups with your friends! Even if it’s one to one. I underestimated how difficult is having kids. I have a successful career, lots of friends and 3 kids under 5. It was driving me nuts the pressure of everything. I ended up scheduling once a week a night out with friends and I got my sanity back 😂

I joined the local gym and there always seems to be someone I recognise locally there (or a friend who I already know) . There is a café there and sometimes we’ll get a coffee afterwards - obviously that’s normal with friends anyway but I have recently done it with a couple of people that I previously only used to nod hello to - or if not a coffee just leaving at the same time and walking part of the way home together.

I also joined a choir 15 years ago when feeling similar to you and met my now very good friend there. There are no guarantees with this sort of thing but maybe just try and open up to a few things locally that you fancy doing anyway and see what happens.

I can see why the thing you do with your DC wouldn’t be a good vehicle as your focus is understandably on them. Do something separate maybe?

In addition to all of the above comments, sometimes physical activity can stimulate endorphins so that you have feelings of contentment. When I'm feeling low, I often find long walks can help and reset my thought pattern.

Reconnect with your friends. Arrange a meet up once a month. Chat with the mums of your DC’s friends, see if there’s any connection. Talk to DH and tell him how you feel.

I struggle with loneliness too, my partner works away for long periods, I do go out to do things like the choir and Zumba classes etc but it just passes the time, I’m still lonely. It’s just superficial contact, I thought I had some friends at the choir but when I didn’t go for a month due to poor mental health I was shocked and hurt that no one contacted me to see where I was.

I know what you mean. I felt the same and set up a book club. It’s taken a while but it’s working a bit. There are a couple of good podcasts on adult friendships from Mel Robbins and Practical Positivity that are worth exploring https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-mel-robbins-podcast/id1646101002?i=1000766287164

https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/practical-positivity/id1447127113?i=1000673792427