AIBU for staying in the UK this half term?

[hopingforsunshiiiiine]

My parents live abroad (I'm originally from Europe, stayed after uni, have a husband and 1 DC). My parents and me are very close and I visit a lot- so much that lots of my friends say it's excessive (most of the summer holiday, most Christmases and the occasional half term). Recently my mother has been unwell so I have seen her every month since Christmas! This may half term, we've decided that for once we will stay in the UK, do a cheap staycation. I spoke to my mum this morning and she literally got a twitchy eyebrow me saying that I won't be coming home this May. I suggested them visiting instead (she's totally fine to visit now and much better health- wise) but she didn't want to. AIBU to make me feel bad for not going this one half term?? It's really expensive to fly over all the time and it would be much easier if they visited!

I wouldn't commit to that sort of regular visiting with my own DM and she's only 70-odd miles down the M4!

YANBU but your DM most certainly is!

Thank you for your reply. I think the problem is that I feel guilty for being far away and trying to make up for it. But it's just getting all too much and I can't believe she'd raise an eyebrow that one half term we're actually staying home!

If it's becoming too much OP you're going to have to cut back and if your DPs are used to and like the current level of visits then a period of adjustment will need to follow. I haven't seen my DM since Dec and she lives 100 miles away so you have my sympathy. If I had to see her every month and that involved a flight I'd be on my knees!

This made me laugh because same, only the M62! You do too much OP, enjoy the staycation.

Thank you so much. It annoys me that they are not visiting me more to be honest. They are retired and it would be much easier!

Thank you so much. I really will! There is so much to see in this country as well!

It dues found a lot. They’ve got by realise that as your child grows, you’ll have more commitments here, and visits will decrease.

It’s interesting that, despite living in the UK with a husband and child, you still refer to your parents’ house in a different country as “home.” I would suggest reframing that. The place where you live with your immediate family is “home.” Maybe experiment using that language with your parents: “sorry Mum, we’re going to stay at home this half-term, little Digbert has a lot of play dates planned.” It might gently nudge them into recognising that you have a life away from them.

What you’ve been doing doesn’t appear to be going above and beyond in her eyes. She’d probably say ‘that’s what daughters do’. Scoffing at not going to see her in May, makes me think she has an ‘Entitled’ personality.

If this is the case, no matter what you do it will never be enough. She’s basically not entitled to anything from you, including your time and therefore she should be appreciating all the effort and expense you have put in so far because you have wanted to. You should not be feeling guilty for not always wanting to go though, and she should stop with her entitled ways and cut you some slack!

Yanbu, you’ve sort of made it a norm to go there. Better nip this now as you can see it’s become an issue. And besides that, holidays should also be about doing other things other than seeing family only.

IMO visiting family is usually not a holiday. We live away from my family and visit two or three times a year but it's not a holiday in the "relax and get away from real life" sort of way.
So I'd say definitely do your staycation and I hope you thoroughly enjoy it!

So which continent do your parents live in?
You say you are from Europe. Do you mean from the UK which is obviously part of Europe? Your post is a bit confusing.
I agree that staying in the UK for May half term sounds a good plan.

There is an expectation with older people (and I am one!) that they get to stay home in their nice comfortable rut and everyone else does all the travelling.

When my children were small, I decided that I was not going to be that kind of mother and moan about never seeing family. While I am able to travel, I will do the visiting and not expect them to host. I'm happy to stay in hotels and pay for meals out. They have busy lives and I have time.

Do you see the other grandparents as often?
Do you get to go on other holidays?
You can blame the current cost of living crisis, coupled with going every month while she's been ill to say you can't afford it.

We spent 20 years in UK having parents and friends at home.
Yes we stayed more than one halfterm in UK. Of course you can.

Interesting my adult DC and our lovely DGC insist on coming to stay with us during school holidays Tbf we live in a seaside town. I find it utterly exhausting and we’re planning to go away to get some peace and quiet!

It might be worth looking up the Let Them theory, it's not perfect but in this situation I think you need to realise 2 things;

• you are not unreasonable and it is entirely your choice how much you visit your parents/your old country
• your parents have got used to you visiting a lot, see it as normal, assume you like it/should do it and will be disappointed at the change.

You can't change their reaction to this. Equally, you shouldnt change your actions and needs/wants because of their response. Try and get comfy with the idea that they will be grumpy, disappointed and make comments if you cut visits. That does not AT ALL mean you should change what you want to do. It's not your job to shape your lives around them, or fit into what they want, or do the things they expect. Your role is to visit as you feel is appropriate, ensure that gives your immediate (partner/children) family the right amount of time at home, the best financial position etc. Will it feel uncomfortable when your parents raise their eyebrows, and feel disappointed- yes. It's not your job to manage their feelings, allow them to feel how they feel and you do what you want and need to do.

How does your DH feel about these constant and long summer trips etc? Don’t neglect your chosen relationship and new family out of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). It takes its toll (bitter experience)

Yanbu in any way.
Yabvvvvvvu however, to refer to a British holiday as a 'staycation'. It's still a holiday. A staycation is where you're at home and go for day trips etc with your home as your base.

Oh sorry! I genuinely didn't know that - I thought a staycation is when you stay in the country you reside in. Learnt something new today!

He's fully on board and we always visit some neighboring countries as well! I wouldn't make him do it if he didn't want to.

Loads of people refer to it as that, as you did, don't worry. But it's very grating to the millions of people who have never been abroad and only holiday in Britain!

I actually really love holidaying over here. It doesn't get much better to me than Wales when the sun shines - never too hot either!

There are so many fabulous places in Britain to go on holiday, I agree, but I live in Wales and it definitely has been extremely hot during the heatwaves in the last few years! Its not that different to anywhere else, apart from the higher parts of Scotland I believe.