How to talk to husband about marriage

[giddykipper3]

Dh and I have been together 10 years, married 6. I have a teen from a previous relationship and we have a dc together who is in reception. We have no family support and since our dc was born we haven’t had a night off together.

Our relationship is not ‘bad’ but we have definitely fallen into a rut. Between work, kids, chores, the daily grind we have stopped making time for each other and don’t feel like a romantic couple. Have sex maybe once or twice a month but due to health issues and kids it has to be pre planned so not very spontaneous and very vanilla. We sleep in separate beds due to Dh snoring too.

We have always had a banter-y relationship but over time and with the frustration of never getting a break we do speak quite awfully to each other at times. It started off as banter and fun but now it’s just the norm. We snap and there’s always a blame game or competitiveness going on between us about who is most tired, who has done the most etc.

Strip it all back and we do love each other and have a home and family unit worth fighting for. This isn’t a LTB scenario it’s a ‘how do we fix it’ scenario. I’m thinking just have a chat with him at a quiet moment maybe at the weekend when there’s less stress and try and frame it in a way that I know we are both responsible, I’m not blaming him but I want to make things better.

I sometimes think that if the right person came along and gave him a bit of attention would he stray? I don’t think so but I just feel like our marriage has got so stale and borderline unpleasant at times that is it strong enough to withstand temptation? Ugh I don’t know.

Any advice of how to approach this in a non accusing way would be really appreciated.

Would he consider marriage counselling? Do you want to make it better/ work?

Personally I think the first thing to do is stop the " banter". Try and communicate with each other as adults.

Definitely this. Stop with the banter and start speaking nicely to him. I found this worked when we started getting snappy with each other.

Yes I am making a conscious effort to do this. It’s a shit dynamic that we have just fallen into but I know it isn’t healthy.

I think your initial plan is a good one and raising the situation with your dh in a non-accusatory way is a positive first step. You seem very self-aware and understand that you have fallen into a situation that you are both responsible for.

I also second the pp that suggested couples counselling, but please be mindful that not all counsellors are created equal. I can highly recommend the Gottman Method if you can find a therapist locally. It has helped dh and I no end. Unfortunately we are still in a position where I'm not quite sure if too much water has gone under the bridge, but either way I am very glad that we have worked through some of our issues. The counselling helped us both to become better partners and people even if we don't make it as a couple.

You seem to be at a point where things between you have deteriorated further than you are comfortable with, but no major damage has been done. I think that you both have a massive opportunity here to turn this around and avert any potential future disasters for your relationship. I genuinely wish that I was as cognisant of the situation as you when dh and I were becoming detached from each other. Good luck with it all.

Few years ago we were in a terrible rut. We both read too good to leave too bad to stay and it reframed our communication and affection for each other. Dh got it on audio and would listen when walking the dog.
Relationships do go through cycles but its good to recognise it and try and fix
Is there any trusted babysitters you coukd use for a few hours just to have a meal together? Is your teen old enough to sit with younger dc yet?

As cliched as it sounds, you need “date nights” (although no need to call them that!). One evening a week where it is just the two of you, no TV or movies or phones, just talking. If you can afford a babysitter and a meal out, wonderful, but DH and I will just get nice food in for Saturday night (something easy like charcuterie and dips and cheese) and a nice bottle of wine, put music on and chat. Not just for the 20 minute it takes to eat dinner, but for the whole evening until we go to bed. Phones only used to change the Spotify playlist occasionally. Even if most of the chat is about the kids, at least you are spending time together and talking and reconnecting. We find that when we make the time and space, we actually still have lots to talk about.

Why don’t you have any family support? Does no one at all take an interest in your young child on either yours or husbands side? Even if there’s distance it can be arranged occasionally!

It’s important to have couple time and for your child to develop close bonds with other family members. I think couples counselling plus regular time together where you can talk without worrying about child hearing will be invaluable in repairing your relationship.

Do you have anyone who can look after your children for a few hours once they’re already in bed/asleep so you could go out for a meal together?

We don’t have any family around but we found a really great professional babysitter who is a mum as well, I met her first and she came with all her DBS certificates and qualifications in childcare. We use her very rarely but she is great with the children and I actually feel comfortable leaving them in her care.

We go out for a meal together maybe 2/3 times a year but it’s nice to reconnect when you’re in the depths of young children. Last time we went out I bought post it notes and a pen and we wrote three things we love about the other person. Sounds cringy but was lovely to say nice things to each other that we wouldn’t usually!

His parents have passed away. Mine have health issues and live far away so aren’t able to babysit. No siblings either side. We have occasionally booked a day off annual leave each and tried to do something together during school/nursery hours but not for a long time and it always feels rushed.