AIBU to feel hurt being left out of mums’ meet-ups?

[knightsinwhitesatin]

I moved city several years ago. I had some close friends here already who have become friendly with my cousin’s wife (kids in same circles, didn’t previously know each other, other than through me). We are all close (I am close with my cousin and wife), with kids of similar age and I get on with everyone.

I fairly often hear through the grapevine that they meet up without me (just the mums, for drink / meal etc). AIBU to feel hurt by this? I haven’t said anything as I don’t know if I’m being sensitive, but I’m not sure why they choose to exclude me. I feel sometimes that I’m handy for a playdate with kids, but don’t make the cut for ‘proper’ socialising.

I am surprised how often people on MN use the word 'excluded' or the phrase 'excluded from' when it doesn't sound as if anyone has been excluded.

Just because you happen to know 'Adam and Claire' and you also have a cousin in the same City, whose dc coincidently do an activity with "Adam and Claire"'s dc, doesn't then mean they have to ask you to something they are going to, just because you happen to know them both.

It doesn't mean the same as 'being excluded'.

Can you ask your cousins wife about it?

Thank you. I do feel excluded as I don’t really get invited to the adult meet ups, but this was what I wanted to check whether I was being sensitive before raising it, and perhaps I am. I know there’s no obligation, but it stings that they don’t want me there. For comparison when the dads meet up my husband does get invited.

I am not one for drama especially within family so I don’t want to say anything unless I’m sure I’m not being OTT.

I don’t really have other friends in this city so I’m wondering if I need to try to take a step back and broaden my circle.

It sounds like OP introduced them all, and they only started meeting thanks to OP. It does seem a bit off to leave OP out, unless there's something that's not been said? Yes, adults can do what they like, and can't be forced to go out together all the time, but it seems mean, and unreasonable for you to be miffed OP.

Yes, exactly. I’ve often become friends with someone I met through someone else without then socialising much with the person who introduced us.

Could you invite them all for lunch or an informal dinner? Hopefully they would invite you in return… but if they don’t you’d have your answer.

Also look at other ways of making friends, such as book clubs, meet-up events, exercise classes, parkruns, et cetera.

In these situations its often not as deep as it feels to you, maybe they bumped into each other and made the plan or maybe everyone thought someone else had invited you but no one had. Can you arrange a get together and invite them? That will show clear intent that you want to socialise with them.outside of plsydates

It's a horrible feeling when you've moved cities and are feeling a bit isolated. I suspect your friends and cousin don't think anything of it or realise that you feel that way if they've been in the area longer and have more established groups.

I think that both working at making more friends and inviting your cousin and friend to more social things are good ideas.

I don't think raising it is going to help at all, unless it's a very gentle "oh, that sounds like it was really fun! Perhaps we should do xyz... "

Some people like doing things in pairs rather than threes. It doesn't mean they don't value you. I would focus on seeing each of them individually rather than gate crashing their meetups.

so I’m wondering if I need to try to take a step back and broaden my circle.
A broad circle is always a good thing to have. I hope you find some people who value spending time with you

Yanbu. I also got left out of socialising meet ups with a group of mothers. Fucking stings.

Do you arrange meet ups and include them? otherwise it seems one sided

Thanks everyone, appreciate the words of advice. I have organised things in the past which have been fine. I agree I don’t think there’s much merit raising it, and it is probably just as they’re more established, having lived here longer.

I just need to find a way to frame it that doesn’t make me feel so low, I heard about another meet up on Saturday and honestly made me feel so low all weekend. I don’t want to waste my precious weekends feeling like that!

But that’s in your own control. Change the way you’re framing it. You’re not ‘excluded’ . Other people are doing things together that don’t happen to include you. You still see those people individually, right?

The OP considers them all to be close friends, so yes, I think it’s entirely reasonable to expect to be a part of ongoing social get togethers and to question why that’s not the case. Close friends (rather than acquaintances) surely wouldn’t mind you raising this with them would they? Do you show an interest in them or have they got the impression somehow that you’re not keen?

I do show interest. I think I am a good friend to them all, and don’t think they would disagree. My gut feeling is that my cousins wife would like to keep family and friends separate, and would like to talk about partners / in laws freely (ie my cousin and his parents who I am very close to), which I do understand to a degree but this then means I don’t get invited. Play dates are not the same, with adult conversation snatched between chasing toddlers. We are all too busy to have duplicate meet ups.

It has been really helpful to write this out and hear opinions. I feel too silly to discuss in real life.

OK, well there's your reason. I mean, it's a stupid reason which suggests a lot of carping about her husband and his family -- but surely that makes their meetsups sound like the reverse of fun, if that's what they consist of, to the point where you're not invited because you're not the right audience for it?

I can't imagine wanting to go out regularly with someone whose chief topic of conversation was complaint.