AIBU to reconsider this relationship after my partner made this comment?

[SoupyDumplings]

I have been with my partner for 2 years. I have several chronic illnesses and an autistic child (10) that I raise on my own.

Normally my partner is very helpful and supportive, but the last few weeks have been a struggle and I’m really considering ending the relationship.

My partner is more needy than me, I think because they have never dated anyone with children before or have ever been responsible for anyone other than themselves. So obviously this relationship has been a learning curve for them.

My partner got quite upset the other day basically saying that I don’t give them enough love or attention recently and that we never go out and do anything together and that it’s always on my terms.

In part, some of this is true. It has been an incredibly difficult few weeks health wise, and I’ve pretty much had to sleep all day in order to care for my child after school. It isn’t always like this, but sometimes it can be like this for a couple of weeks until things improve and go back to normal.

It’s the first time my partner has ever made me feel like I wasn’t enough for them and that my illness and inability to do normal things all the time is an inconvenience of sorts to them and it’s really hurt me to the point where I’m really considering ending the relationship rather than staying with my partner and feeling the pressure to feel well and do normal things all the time to keep them happy.

AIBU?

Your partners reaction to the ups and downs of life really matters. In any relationship there will be times when he needs to take a back seat, be that for children, health or financial issues. His ability to recognise that and to step up with support is important.

Yes time together is key to building a strong relationship but so is recognising reasonable limits your partner might have. He’s telling you he expects you to put him first regardless of what else might be happening in your life.

I think It's good that your partner communicated how they are feeling, rather than building up quiet resentment.

They shouldn't have to be in a relationship where they feel their needs are not met and equally you shouldn't have to stretch yourself or make yourself uncomfortable to keep your partner happy.

So perhaps unfortunately the two of you are not well matched

Unfortunately it sounds as though they are more 'in need' of your time than you are able (justifiably) to give. Whilst they've expressed their need there isn't much room for leeway. They either learn to live with an ebb and flow OR they move on. Also I realise they want time with you, but if it is going out to socialise I do wonder why they 'need' your time for.that. most single parents have little social time to sacrifice, I often think that is why successful partners of single.parents are quite self contained, independent people.

Your lifestyles and needs are incompatible OP. Your health condition and young autistic child would be a challenge for a lot of people, especially those who are used to far less responsbility. It's good that he's flagged this up now rather than much further down the line.

If they 'need' more than you can give and have expressed this then the answer is fairly obvious I think? It's run its course.

Agreed.. exactly what I was going to say.

What does he do that makes you say he is helpful and supportive?

I don’t know if this is intentional but the way you word your post implies that you think your partner is asking for too much. From information you have given- him asking for love, wanting to go out as a couple, he’s not asking for the world. You’re just not able to give him what he wants at this moment in time. And that is okay. However, referring to them as “needy” and that they’ve never been responsible for anyone other than themselves (unless there’s a drip feed) is rather condescending. Do you feel more of a grown up than him because you’re a parent?

I thought you were going to say you’ve come to the realisation that you’re not compatible and your priorities don’t align, which is fair and completely true. But again your wording is interesting, you’ve said you don’t want to “feel pressure” from them to “keep them happy”.

Better to get rid early, due to incompatibility, then to pretend and hurt one another later.

Is your partner not just saying he wants to see more of you in a clumsy way?

Does your child not sleep? Not sure why you need to sleep all day to care for your child after school (I’m assuming until they go to bed).

Do you do anything just the two of you?

I understand children come first, but don’t martyr yourself at the sake of everything else. There is nothing wrong with a partner wanting to feel loved and wanted - and both sides should aim to do this. I don’t think it’s needy.

If the last two years have been good just communicate with each other. 🫶

This. You have your needs, he has his.

I agree with others it’s an incompatibility with your lives. Your priority is your child, and your child is a lot needier than a child without a disability. Your partner doesn’t have children and so lacks the understanding of quite how demanding having a child is - which is often just how it is for people with no experience of children, it’s why I as a childfree woman never dated men with children, it’s just a very difficult dynamic if you’re expecting a partnership but ultimately having to be the third wheel to a parent and child.

On top of that you have your own health problems which mean most of your free time outside of childcare is what you need to keep yourself in basic wellness. You need to focus on that, and he needs to focus on a relationship where his and his partner’s needs are better matched. Neither of you are “wrong”, it’s just not the right relationship.

Really? OP has been ill for a couple of weeks and her partner of 2 years' reaction is to complain he's not getting enough attention? He sounds selfish and immature 🙄 surely a normal reaction would be to step up and look after your partner when they're ill?

Yes exactly - they're not compatible

This sounds very hard OP - sorry you have been having such a tough time.

When you say he is normally helpful and supportive - in what sort of way?

And are you able to be helpful and supportive to him, too?

It can be hard being in a relationship with someone with chronic health conditions, it does take patience and understanding to need to make arrangements around someone's parenting - let alone where any special needs are involved. And your life IS built around meeting your need to care for your son and look after your own health. That's a fact. If he finds that hard sometimes, it might not mean that he doesn't care about you

If you can still do it, maybe have a frank and direct conversation with him about this. Being realistic and direct about what you do need to prioritise - and from his position he needs to understand that just because you have to prioritise care for your son doesn't mean you don't care about him or the relationship.

Ask him to talk about how he would like things to be in a way that is realistic in terms of the facts,

I would have the conversation before ending the relationship.

It might end anyway, in which case you will at least have been able to have your say, and listen to his.

Not unreasonable at all.

You're managing chronic illness AND raising an autistic child largely solo. Your bandwidth is genuinely limited in a way that most people without those responsibilities simply don't understand, and two years in, your partner should get that by now.
The fact that their response to you being unwell for a few weeks was to complain about not getting enough attention rather than ask how they could help says everything really. That's not a partner stepping up, that's someone making your hardest weeks about themselves.
I don't think this is necessarily about them being a bad person. As others have said, they've never had to consider anyone but themselves before. But there's a difference between finding the adjustment difficult and making you feel like your illness is an inconvenience. That's crossed a line.
The bit that really gets me is that you're now considering ending the relationship rather than continuing to feel that pressure. Your instinct is to protect your own peace over keeping them happy. That tells you something important.
You deserve a partner who shows up harder when things get difficult, not one who adds to the load.
For more information, visit Dr. A M Reddy Clinic

Agree

Hope this isn't yet another thread in which the OP only posts the first message and nothing else

OP says he partner is usually helpful and supportive. I wonder just how much help he has been giving. Maybe it's a very one sided relationship and he feels taken advantage of. 2 years in is early to be taking on a caring role.

I agree with PPs. It sounds like you are not compatible. It sounds like you’re in an incredibly tough situation, but your partner deserves to feel they are in a loving and validated relationship and not living on your terms. Your last mention of ‘doing normal things to keep them happy’ makes it sound like you think this is unreasonable, but realistically this is what most people want.

But you’re going to struggle to find someone who can embrace all this stuff. I couldn’t. Sorry, but just being honest.
All relationships require a bit of reciprocal effort, even though you have a LOT on your plate
But if it doesn’t feel good, for anyone, then what’s the point?
Of course end the relationship, if that’s what you want. Nobody would tell you otherwise. But just be sure about the decision, and be prepared to be alone again for some time.

I’m not sure it’s that he’s being needy. Wanting a partner that doesn’t sleep all day isn’t unreasonable.

You have significant needs, as does your child-it sounds like he’s been helpful in the past but a one-sided relationship is hard to maintain. It does sound like you are incompatible.

I don’t think either of you are wrong. They’re not used to ‘sharing’ the attention of a partner with a child. I think it must be pretty difficult for someone who has never had children to suddenly accept another person’s into their lives. Your situation is made tougher by your child’s disabilities. It’s a lot to ask another person to take on really, particularly when without you they’d have zero responsibilities at all.

Basically think you’re incompatible.