Step-parent support in old age

[downthehillhome]

I’ve name changed for this but am a longtime poster. It’s more of a WWYD than an AIBU but I wasn’t sure where to post.

I’m mid-30s and have a DH and 2 pre-school aged DC. My parents divorced when I was young. My DM passed away a few years ago and my DF passed away last year.

My DF met his DP in my early teens. We were never particularly close and she wasn’t particularly kind to me, she also had a negative impact on my relationship with my DF growing up (eg didn’t like us spending time without her there, wanted all phone calls on loud speaker). She would often make rude comments about my DM or my life choices. In adulthood I would say I have reached neutrality with her, she is clearly fond of my DC and I’m happy to have a relatively surface relationship. Although she is very gossipy and can be rude.

The issue is, I’m not sure what kind of relationship I’m supposed to have with her going forward now that my DF has passed. She doesn’t have any DC of her own and was an only child, meaning she has very little family. She’s also quite incompetent and struggles to do anything for herself - needs help organising things such as taxis or ordering anything online and can’t cook even a basic meal. In that respect I do feel sorry for her. But she’s not my parent and being in her 70s I could really imagine her becoming heavily reliant on me.

Since my dad passed she messages me a lot asking for things or to tell me things about her day to day. She also needed me to organise the whole funeral and also left me to pay for it. I do feel for her situation and can see that she must be scared and lonely to face life alone, but I also have very little support myself and worry about having to take her on.

I think what I’m asking is, what would you do in this situation? Would you ‘take her on’ and support her in old age or slowly step back?

If you're prepared to be her carer if she gets to be 85 or 90 or 95 and very frail, stick at it. If not, time to say goodbye.

There's no reason she can't learn to shop online or order taxis or make meals. When she has to, she'll make an effort. You don't owe her a thing.

I could have written this myself. I have a similar history with my own SM but the difference is my dad is still alive. If he goes first then I won't be staying in contact with her. She has been a source of strain since she entered my life and made it clear she resented me when I was a teenager and I'm not letting that marr my life for one moment longer than necessary.

On the other hand, I have an amazing relationship with my step dad and consider him a really good friend. I would help him if needed me.

I think you need to do some hard reflecting on what role your dad played in allowing this woman to be unkind to you because you seem to be carrying around an unnecessary burden of obligation towards someone you don't like.

Like PPs said, she's lining you up to be her carer so you need to be very clear what you will and won't do because I suspect she will definitely test your boundaries.

Don't be driven by guilt for something you didn't chose and had no power to control.

I would try to connect her with old people groups eg learn to use a computer session at the library. Explain to her why. Then if she refuses then I’d write to her with advice on where she can get help as you can’t do it for her. If you’re really worried about her ability to care for her you could call adult social care and ask her to do an assessment.

Drop her like the proverbial brick. I did with my father's wife. He passed five years ago and from the day of the funeral I have never seen her again. She is an absolute witch. I owe her nothing (and I won't see any inheritance either because she gaslight my father into doing a mirror will).

Certainly wouldn't take her on. By all means keep a relationship so she and the DC can enjoy each other's company, but don't reply to messages asking you to sort things out for her.

I've more or less dropped my step dad since my mum died (he has got a daughter though)

Also I expect my stepsons to cut me off when my husband dies

Hindsight is a great thing, but you shouldn't have accepted the funeral bill, OP. Funerals should be paid for out of the deceased person's estate and if your dad's wife was executor she should have arranged this.
Would your dad have wanted you to help her? That might make a difference to what you do. I think it would be kind to keep in touch with her, but there's no reason to feel you need to take responsibility. I say this as a stepmother in fairly similar circumstances; I would wish my stepchildren well and want to hear from them occasionally, but I wouldn't expect them to do anything much for me after DH died.