AIBU to avoid my partner's regular couples weekends with old friends

[Lifealwaysgetsbetter]

Second long term relationship for us both. We are in our late 50s - no kids at home. DP has lots of couples friends from his long marriage and they are mostly v nice but he always wants them to stay for the weekend (and for us to visit them). We live in a location where people love to visit and we’ve just had a big renovation so I think my Dp likes to host for that reason (and people like to come). However I work full time and tbh having visitors once a month all weekend isn’t my thing. One couple are really lovely and I’m happy to meet them for dinner at a restaurant midway between us in a city (we live 90 mins apart so it’s only a 45 min train journey for both of us). But it’s the men who actually are the good friends and they could meet more often independently. That said, a nice relaxing afternoon out and dinner with all 4 of us every couple of months would be enjoyable as I like this couple.. but both men want to have couples meet ups at home.

Others couple friends of him live much further away and day travel isn’t possible… and tbh I have zero in common with these people. They are heavy social drinkers and just talk about things from 30 years ago. With these friends I think he should visit them by himself and not expect me to go too and I certainly don’t get any pleasure from hosting them. It’s just drink drink drink. They are also all very codependent couples who met in the 80s and the women have no independent lives or friends of their own so they take it as a personal snub if I’ve got plans of my own when they visit.. and even if my DP goes to visit without me..

This isn’t a major problem- I’m happy for him to have these couple visits (one couple at a time) when I’m not around (which is usually one weekend a month when I visit my friends or family). These couples think I’m snubbing them and I think my DP would like me around on occasion.. I don’t dislike most of them - I just don’t “like” them and I’m not stopping them seeing my DP. This concept of a woman with her own life is alien to them.

Im curious for anyone with similar experiences. My partner and I just have different preferences and he’s happy I have my own life.. but I’m not sure if I should be there when he hosts the friends - especially as my DP ends up drinking more too. He rarely drinks usually. So my weekend is taken up and my sleep is disrupted by him up to pee all night at the weekend..

Anyone relate ?

You seem to want different things, no-one is unreasonable or reasonable. What would compromise look like?

Meeting the couple in a city halfway is a compromise.. and my partner is up for that. I’m happy for them to stay over once every 6 months and for us to go there every 6 months. So stay overs are 4 times a year.

re the ones who live further away… them coming to stay when I’m not here is already my compromise… I guess us staying in a hotel near them when he visits could work but they’d expect us all to go to the pub and it would still be alcohol focussed. And they’d take the hotel stay as a snub by me. I am not willing to compromise with these people tbh - I don’t like them and they likely don’t like me. They just think I should be the little wife and do whatever they do..

I wouldn't be concerned about how the friends felt about me not joining them. Those are their expectations to deal with. If my DH wanted me to join them, I would, but not every time. I would ask him to agree to me being there one in three times. I would say every other time but for most of the conversation being reminiscing about things you were not part of.

I would also ask him to sleep on the sofa / spare room if he drank so much he would be waking me up several times during the night. And to ensure he didn't misunderstand the practicality of that as some sort of punishment, I would take him a cup of tea in bed the next moring.

Saying you have 'zero in common' is a very narrow way of thinking

Well their main focus is getting pissed so I’m afraid any conversation is severely limited. One man is also very outspoken re politics in public and can get argumentative when drunk. He once poured wine over the floor in a pub when I was there because a member of staff said something reasonable to him. His wife gets so pissed that she just talks shite and then falls asleep so yeah I have zero in common with them (as far as I’ve seen). Tbh my DP understands this and it’s one of those history friendships that connects him to his hometown that he left 30 years ago. He wouldn’t chose them as friends now I’m sure..

Not sure how you can resolve this

Fact is those people would be right to assume you don’t want to spend time with them

So I suppose you are just going to have the courage of your convictions and own your decisions and if that means they start taking a dislike to you then so be it!

This is an approach to consider.. being there 1 in 3 times…. However my partner doesn’t come with me when I visit my family once a month for the weekend and I don’t have many people staying with me here as I have lots of local friends. So to me it makes sense to have a weekend per month where he can host friends or visit them and I do my family visits the same weekend. Otherwise I’m losing two weekends a month to visitors/visiting…

I think he keeps these friendships to maintain the connection to his old hometown as he has no family there now. He is a very good and loyal friend and it’s something I like about him. But probably has outgrown some of them. I’d never suggest he ditches them - I simply hate being around drunken people though and losing a weekend hosting people.

Yeah I think you’re right… my partner would like me there on occasion but it’s probably because he’s not wanting to upset them because I actually am snubbing them. But this is a later in life relationship where we are not like we were with our spouses.. we had kids with them and lives were more joined up. Even if I liked these people, I don’t like the hassle of hosting for a weekend. Cleaning, stripping beds, cooking etc. Having to get dressed and be up early on a weekend... If we lived closer, going to a house for an evening or to the pub would be more tolerable but having them in my house from Friday night after I finish work and them not leaving til Monday morning as I’m starting work is really just not what I want.

Im thinking I need to just do me. I was curious if anyone else was like this. My partner is more sociable and tolerant and sometimes I feel like I’m antisocial.. but I just think I’m selective 🤣

Yanbu. I had a similar situation with my partner’s friends. The men are old friends and the wives/girlfriends are (I believe) unnecessary to the situation. Some of these men are insisting on these mixed couples meet ups which suggests to me that the friendships are past their sell by date. I was put under a lot of pressure to be part of these gatherings. I was cooking for people who were snarky, over familiar and overstayed their welcome after a long day at work. So, I made them uncomfortable. It worked and the men now socialise on their own 🙌🏼

I’m getting the feeling that some of the men described want the women around because they do the heavy lifting in terms of visitor prep and cooking. I feel your pain - I have this with relatives who have retired and want to park themselves for long weekends. It’s horrible arriving home on a Friday from full time work and them leaving on Monday. People like this can be very thick-skinned and arsey when it’s suggested that this length of visit is inconvenient and too long …

Mmm - sounds similar to the position I'm in. DP is older than me and has lots of friends through his previous career. I know some of them think I'm a bit stand-offish for not getting rowdily drunk at events. I did make an effort to get to know them in the early days - some of them are quite fascinating when I got a bit below the surface, and some are absolutely not the sort of people I want to be around! So I make my decisions based on events and get togethers on a case by case basis. I do factor in how much DP wants me there, though. I don't mind a bit of boredom for something that's important to him, he's done the same for me.

Would it be easier to host more than one couple at a time so it's not so intense? Or would they gang up on you.

I admire your resolve OP. I'm still on my first marriage and we've been together decades but we both have independent friends as well as mutuals, and often meet/visit our own friends/family separately.

Luckily neither of us has ever had a massive appetite for hosting beyond immediate family - who luckily are fairly sparse both in numbers and frequency of visits. We love them all, but it's always nice when they drive away!

We had a long standing date to visit with some mutuals and when we finally found a date , and agreed to meet for a walk plus tea and cake after recently, rather than either side hosting, I was relieved..It was fab to see them and we did most of the catching up in those six hours anyway.

I am so glad my dh isn't a compulsive host 😅. I think he would probably happily be more sociable with a more sociable wife. But he knows it would be on him. And he's quite passive!

When MiL was still coming to stay I did try to make her visits coincide with my visits to my Mum. Because even people whose company I enjoy get a bit much in your bathroom and in your kitchen....and as for MiL...

So go on reducing the strain on the facilities and keep taking yourself off I say.

It’s just a straightforward thing that they aren’t mutual friends; they’re HIS friends. There’s no reason you should be excited to see them as often and intensely as he is.
Just hash it out, match up your visiting weekends and let him get in with it.
Do they still see your DP’s ex?

Blimey - his friends sound utterly awful - good effort on your behalf trying to find a solution.

Urgh! My DH has a couple friend like this. In their youth they used to travel all over Europe doing a (very cool!) hobby. However, the two of them moved a long way away before DH and I met so we’ve never really been friends.

Children (and middle age!) came along and the hobby hasn’t been done for almost 20 years. BUT, it is ALL they talk about when we get together and it’s SO bloody tedious. For years I suffered it. Now he mainly visits alone and I make plans when they’re here. I think we all prefer it this way, though. That’s the difference.

No advice, just solidarity!