No identity outside of kids

[mustbethemummy2]

Have 2 dc - teen and primary age. I don’t just mean this in the sense of they are my priority and their care, activities, commitments etc take over my life. It’s more than that. When I think about dying I don’t think about my life being over, I think about them. Who’d care for them, what would happen to them (both obviously have dads but it’s me who does 99% of the care, knows all the school stuff, deals with appointments etc). I feel like my entire identity and purpose is tied up in them and it’s quite sad and overwhelming.

Im not an especially good wife or friend either if im honest.

I feel exactly the same. I don’t do anything really outside of caring for my children. They’re much younger but I don’t see it changing much as they get older. Except I didn’t really have much of an identity or sense of purpose before so really it’s improved since I’ve had children. I used to not value my life very much but now I really want to stick around for as long as possible because I’m afraid that they wouldn’t be cared for how I would want if I wasn’t here.

I think it’s compounded for me because we have no family either, really is just me and dh. Eldest has his dad’s side of the family but none for youngest. I don’t have the healthiest lifestyle, I drink and vape and could definitely have a better diet and exercise more. But saying that I know at least two fit and healthy people in their forties who have died suddenly and unexpectedly in the last few years
too. I don’t know why I’m feeling so morbid about it tonight, it’s just weird how having kids strips you of everything. I don’t even care about my own mortality, only how it would affect them.

My son is not quite 2 yet so much younger but I feel the same and I fear it won't change. I just have no energy for myself. There's nothing left at the end of a day.

Okay, I think you need to disentangle these two things. I have similar age dc, 8 & 13. I have a big life apart from them. I had a big career for many years (no longer due to poor health). I have hobbies. I go traveling. I have things I’m passionate about, volunteer work I do.

I also have advanced cancer with a 50% 10 year survival rate. I have a fantastic interesting life, but when I think about the fact that it’s a flip of a coin if I’ll still be alive to see my youngest turn 18, literally the only thing that matters is them. If I’m gone, people will still travel, Bali will still be there even though I never made it, my horse will be sold to someone new, my other hobbies won’t miss me. My friends probably won’t a whole lot either. Literally the only thing that matters is if they’ll be okay. That’s totally normal.

Im sorry to hear about your cancer. I’m not sure how I’d cope with that. It’s normal I guess but bloody overwhelming. Im no longer my eldests whole world but I still do so much for him. Coordinate everything, try to support and love and engage. My youngest still needs me a whole lot more. I don’t really feel like a person just a mum.