Meeting someone and having a child after 40…. Please tell me there’s hope?

[Tellmehoww]

I know there is hope scientifically but I would love to hear from anyone this happened to!

I date but I do have one dc who is 5 and I’m already 39, 40 next month. Feels a bit bleak but I always wanted more children and wouldn’t want to do it alone.

I think at that age it can happen but there is also a high chance it won’t but how hard are you trying to find someone. Are you doing online dating and regularly speaking to/meeting people.

God, threads like these make me a bit skeptical.

There always seems to loads saying "yeah don't worry OP, I had three kids after I turned 45, all healthy, no IVF and I didn't even know I was pregnant, the baby just popped out one morning, while I was getting ready to scuba dive". I just think it sets the wrong tone. Getting pregnant over 40 is not easy and at 44 or 45 it's lottery winning territory. Threads like this aren't the reality. You're not going to just magically get knocked up in your 40s.

Sorry Peppy but in some families, late babies are pretty normal. Dm had dsis at 44y5m, I had ds at 45y2m, dgm had babies at 41, 43 and 45. Sometimes it's down to genetics. No IVf or assistance involved at any stage, all healthy happy babies. Dn is due in June and she'll be 44 in July.

I read this and I hear panic and desperation in your post (which i do umderstand) but which is a red flag sog alling you aye be about make or try and make some shit decisions.

Also agree the fertility thing is a lottery... I reckon I could get pregnant within 6 m and have a live birth baby at 42. This is based on my fertility/ genes / health... I have several friends and if I had to bet id say they had close to no chance of a live birth at 40 ish.

Its one thing going for broke and having a child at 41/42 with someone you REALLY like who you’ve known for 8months as a footloose fancy free long term single.....You are the primary parent of a 5 yo - your decisions should be centred on that child.

All i could think of what I read your OP is the plethora of sliding door futures that absolutely SUCK for your 5 yo.

One observation:
A lot of women want a baby at any cost and are happy to go it alone...you arent.
Reading between the lines you are doggedly going after "a baby" in a nuclear family set (which is a tall ask giving existing child)
I wonder why you are chasing this?

Is it to do with the breakdown of relatioship with your child's father? Is it so you can do it "right" this time? I accept i might be way off the mark but worth asking yourself what's driving this

I got married at 24. I wanted 4 or 5 children. Fertility investigations started a year later. Had DS via IUI at 29. Then some failed IVF and then a miscarriage at 36. Gave up fertility treatment and took up new hobbies, tried to accept that I would never have any more.
Turning 40 was hard for me as I saw it as the true end of my 'childbearing years'. Took about 6 months for me to really come to terms to with it. Took up some new hobbies, moved house and eventually started to properly move on.
I am currently 35 weeks pregnant at 42 and now trying to get my head around the fact I'll be doing it all again. You really can't second guess life, I suppose.

I married at 41 and had our daughter at 42 so it’s definitely possible. Good luck x

Not what you asked but I gave up looking for a relationship at 35 when I knew I wanted children more than I wanted a man. I adopted two children and never ever regretted my choice. I know doing it alone isn't for everyone and I totally get that. Just thought I'd share as someone who took a different path .

Definitely doable but just bear in mind the relationship will need to move slowly with your existing DC- I met my partner when my eldest daughter was 5 and he didn’t move in for 3 years and we had another baby after 5 years so she was 10. The age gap has been easier in some ways and harder in others x

Worked for us - met my wife when she was 41 with a 4 year old. We had a baby when she was 45.

I absolutely agree with the "it would be nice, but it might not happen" way to think of it. It was a pretty bumpy road - several miscarriages, a round of IVF, we were going to use her sister's eggs, and then in the end a natural pregnancy.

So yes it happens, not sure it's particularly likely though.

Meant to say in my reply that I think coming to terms with not having more children was really important for me, and despite actually being pregnant now, was the key to the happiness I found in my early forties. So, I agree with others that the best approach is to assume it won't happen.

I don’t know anyone who has one the lottery and know lots of people who have had babies post 40.

When I was pregnant at 45 I raised it with my midwife and she rolled her eyes at me and said before contraception women had babies from teens to mid forties.

it is not rare at all - especially if you have already had a baby.

The risk is making bad decisions because you feel desperate for a baby.

If you go out looking for a relationship on that basis it means you are making a decision quite fast about the person you give your child as a parent, the person you introduce to your 5yo’s family, the person you put your trust in in all areas of your life.

i had a Dc naturally at 43, no problems at all.

But what about the relationship if it doesn’t happen? What if you get pg but the relationship starts to come apart?

I’m not saying it isn’t possible or don’t do it, but keep your decision making very rooted.

Did you have a 5 year old to consider?

I did and had two children conceived naturally after two eptopics (only one tube removed). But it was gruelling, 8 MCs.

Can I just say that this thread is making me feel so much better - gynae consultant scared the shit out of me with a lecture about how my egg quality will be rapidly declining and I should have a baby asap.. I’m 34 😂

these positive stories are all wonderful

The stats are basically 50/50 of it happening between 40-43 with a year of unprotected sex. Not vanishingly rare at all.

I watched a programme where a doctor was talking about this. She said that the reason it was common for previous generations to have have children into their 40s was that they usually had large families. We dont ovulate while pregnant or breast feeding. So a woman who has say five or six children, has spend a decade or more not having periods. This preserved the supply and quality of her eggs so made it far easier to get pregnant later in life. No idea how true that actually is but it makes sense.

Yeah I don’t think that’s true. Plenty of women use birth control for years that stop them ovulating. It doesn’t mean they have better fertility than those that had normal ovulation. I was on the pill from about 18-26 then again from 29-35. So I had years of not ovulating. I still couldn’t conceive/carry to term after 40. Nothing can stop egg quality decreasing with age. But like a lot of things in life with aging, some people’s just “age” more than others. Having had children already seems to be a better indicator of whether you can conceive after 40. (But again not always)

I met EX at 40, had baby at 41 and made him my EX at 44. DD is fabulous. EX is not. Yes, it was quick but I knew it was now or never. If I’d been 10 years younger I woudn’t have had a baby with such a new partner.

Many women in my family have babies in their 40s so you never know. But as a previous poster has said, you do already have a child so whilst I understand you wanting the full package, sometimes it just doesn’t happen. No one knows what’s around the corner. Life can turn on a sixpence! Whatever happens OP, I hope you find peace with the way your life unfolds.

Surprised how many PPs just answer about having the baby without any regard to OP’s 5 year old. Think you have to put him first without rushing into anything.

at an extreme I think better to try to have another baby on your own (via donor) if you are adequately supported rather than risking rushing into getting pregnant in the wrong relationship because you are under time pressure. The consequences for your DS could be absolutely awful.

Do you have a current partner? As you have a 5 year old to consider I think the window is small. Even if you met someone in 6 months it would be mad to consider etc without having been with a partner for 2 years, so by that stage you could be 42/43.

I think at for some woman in there early 40s they want a child or want another child before it to late in firtility terms. You already have a 5 year old and you need to consider them in this. It's not just about having another child but possibly introducing a new man into there lives and possibly rushing into a pregnancy due to your age.
You also need to consider that due to your age you have a higher chance of having a child with special needs and these don't show up on all the tests available like autism.

Also I think that a lot of people are unaware that older father's have a higher chance of having a child with autism. I currently know 3 men who this has happened to. One of the men has 2 kids in there late 20s and neither of them will never be able to live as independent adults.

I also think that in your late 30s to early 40s that hormones can kick in and make you feel like you want a baby or to have another baby before it to late. One of my friends was involved with a man in her early 40s and she was not against having a baby with him. He cheated on her and they broke up. She was very upset at the time but decided to move on with her life and remain child free.
He now has a child with autism and his life has changed a lot but meanwhile my friend is now glad that she remained child free.

Had my baby at 42 with one miscarriage previous. It's entirely possible.
However as previous posters said, it is also sensible to acknowledge that it may not happen and focus on the fact that you have a wonderful 5 year old as I do believe it depends on genetics etc. My Mum was a late starter, late finisher in terms of periods and therefore fertility window as was I.

Doesn’t mean it’s not true

How long had you known your DH at that point?