AIBU for refusing to let DD give her boyfriend old phone?

[Astepaway]

DD, 17, has begun dating a boy who is 18. DD is super happy and seems to really like him.
DD has worked part time since she was 14 and her dad and I both work full time jobs and have a second job each. We work really hard to provide for our children and always have.

Anyway, DD’s new boyfriend is 18 and dropped out of college at 17. He doesn’t work and spends his days in bed or building Lego/gaming. His mum also doesn’t work and DD has told me she has mental health difficulties.
DD came home last weekend crying at their situation, they have no curtains, just sheets up at the windows, broken furniture and can’t always afford food.

The AIBU part is that DD’s phone contact has just come up for renewal and we have upgraded her phone. She wants to gift her new boyfriend her old phone which is still worth about £400. I have just given him an old phone but it’s old enough that some of the apps don’t work.

I’ve said to DD that she can’t just give him another phone that is worth hundreds that her dad and I have paid for. We have said we are concerned that her boyfriend is not willing to help himself and get a job.
AIBU??

Its your phone that you let her use. Dont give it to him.

Do you know them personally? No
It is possible he is a full time carer now that there is no law compelling him to stay in education. His mum’s condition may have worsened. One of the saddest things I have watched over and over are parents with a degenerative condition grooming their children to be their full time carers as soon as they finish college.

There is no evidence he games and plays Lego all day. Those are the hobbies listed by OP as reported by her DD, these have one thing in common, they are hobbies that can be done from home so his mum isn’t left alone.

In addition, just because a chronically ill or disabled person is left alone for much of the day it doesn’t mean they are actually coping ok alone.

He may be a waster and loser, I am fully aware it is a possibility. I disagree that this is obvious and think the OP should herself look into the situation more before passing judgement. Jumping to conclusions without having all the facts and without having seen things for yourself is easy to do when behind a screen hundreds of miles away.

Ask your daughter bluntly if her boyfriend also smokes weed. The whole laying in bed gaming thing at that age sort of goes hand in hand sadly. Where did they meet?

It’s not a lifestyle I’d aspire to as a partner for my child

Totally agree. Very well said.

At 17 having a boyfriend /girlfriend should be fun and a bit of teen angst.

The boyfriend comes with a lot of drama and it's not the dd mission to save him.

Even if you are completely correct in your very generous and equally speculative assessment of the situation, none of that is the OP's daughter's responsibility to solve.

I would also be very concerned about my daughter setting herself up as the 'rescuer' of a boy she was dating at 17. It's not a lifestyle I'd aspire to for her either.

Your daughter needs putting straight on what a lazy cocklodger is!!! Less of the “gentle” chats and more of the straight talking how much ££ is he pissing away on Lego and games and takeaways and whatever else while he lies on his arse all day when he should Be working and studying?!! Make it clear you aren’t having him to live in your house sponging off you either !! That’ll be the next thing!!

But giving a very new boyfriend a £400 gift is not appropriate for an adult, let alone a 17 year old.

Is it really worth 400, could she sell if for that I wonder.
At 17 I think she's old enough to make that mistake and learn from it. Care with money is such an important skill.

But she didn't pay for it...

She offered to pay her mum for the phone (don't know how much she offered!!)

This.
Tell her it’s your phone and will sold to pay for family things