Aibu to be thinking about kids 5 months in?

[rachel55488]

I’ve been with my boyfriend 5 months but for some reason I’m really frustrated on the fact that I don’t know what’s going to happen with my future. I feel rushed on the kids thing only because of his age. He’s 42.. and I’m 31. There ls not a lot of time left for him. I have a 6 year old and his kids are 14 and 21🤣 I always swore I’d never have another one as I have adhd and my mental health isn’t that great at the minute but I’m so scared if this time in ten years I regret not having another one! Aibu cause it’s so early on? I literally know I never want to be without this man already

You’re still firmly in the honeymoon stage, when you’re both still hopefully trying to impress each other. The relationship needs time to settle in, to see how you both cope with the stresses of life - how you support each other and deal with the mundane, routine. It’s very early to think about anything that ties your irrevocably to each other, and you have a small child to consider above anything or anyone else.

So how are you prioritising your 6 year old that you also say he's met a few times?

You need to slow down massively and actually prioritise her.

Don't just claim to.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but it's true. She's not asking for this man to come into her life.

Just a warning, when something feels ideal, perfect, amazing, you’re swept off your feet etc, that can be a red flag for love-bombing and a sign that you should take it even more slowly and carefully.

Crikey no. Id be enjoying life. You need to wait at least a couple of years

You’ve had this man meeting your child already?

You sound like one of those parents that puts their love life ahead of their child.

I have my daughter 6 nights a week im not free a lot and she’s never been around any other men, she gets on with him very well

There’s a long way to go between your dd meeting him a few times and havubg a sibling though. You need to take it very slow for her sake.

All the more reason to just enjoy the relationship rather than throwing a grenade into it.

Don't just decide what he means. Listen to what he actually says.

I know not everyone with ADHD is the same, but one of my best friends has that diagnosis and he's constantly miscontruing what he hears and jumping to incorrect conclusions.

Presumably the first time you decided to have a baby with somebody you thought that relationship would last - but it didn’t, and this one might not either, so it’s not at all wise to rush into another baby based on a feeling that this relationship is the one.

At the moment it’s all fun and carefree: you’re going on nice dates and enjoying yourselves. You have no idea what this man is like when it’s not all fun times, no idea what he’s like to live with, no idea how he reacts to life’s downsides or to stress or to money worries, to being asked to do his share of the chores, and no idea what he’s actually like around children when he’s not just meeting your DD whilst both he and she and are on their best behaviours. You need to spend at least a couple of years gradually finding all that out and building something solid before thinking about babies.

You are so right you don’t truly know someone until you live with them! Although say he’s 45 when we have a kid is that too old for him ? I’ll only be 35

Well that escalated quickly

Quite a few alarm bells here ⏰ 🚨
Plus, regarding his age, while the delivery system may be less efficient as he gets older, the products will still be produced, so to speak (quality may decline too, of course).

I’m going to sound so stupid but what do you mean haha

We were living together at 4 months, engaged at 6 so I'd say no.

However, I was child free so I could rush in and only hurt myself.

You have a 6 year old and admit your mental health isn't great. He's got a teen and an adult child, will he really want to start again?

Do not get "accidentally" pregnant.

He will be producing sperm probably until the day he dies. But their quality may decline, as will his ability to maintain an erection during sex.

DH was 42 when we had DS and 44 when we had DD (he’s 7 years older than me). It’s not been an issue at all. Whereas having a baby with him after 5 months could very easily have been an issue.

Eeeeek. 5 months is crazy girl. Sllllow down. According to NHS you’re not classed as an older mum until 35+ and women go on to have very healthy pregnancies even after this age. Men can have children all through their life. Much later than women do. Don’t panic. Don’t rush. Please. You’ll regret it.

I’ve had many relationships where I’ve thought they’re perfect after 5 months together. But once you get to actually know them, you realise they’re not. The last thing you want to do is bring an innocent child into a situation that may not work out. You’ll be able to make a far better assessment on that after more time together.

I would say you don’t even start to know whether you can be with someone long term until you’ve been together at least two years.

Before then, assuming you don’t discover any immediate deal-breakers, you will inevitably start to see flaws or things you don’t like, but because nobody is perfect, you need to take time to work out whether these flaws are ones you can live with or ones that can be changed or worked on, or if they’re actually going to ruin the relationship in the long run. Likewise with you, are his expectations of you ones that you can work with or are they going to wear you into the ground?

This is all your ADHD talking. Don’t do it.