AIBU to worry wealth differences could affect my son's friendship?

[JuneFryer]

DS is 1 year post A levels and is settled and thriving in a job he loves, earning good money.

Very proud of his achievements.

His closest friend, they have been inseparable since they met in year 7 grammar school has a very unusual carrer and is doing exceedingly well - travel, excitement well paid etc. They're still as close as ever and have just come back from holiday together.

The friend keeps wanting to treat DS to stuff. On holiday every meal was offered to be paid for drinks, club entry etc etc but DS wants to pay his own way.

To put it in perspective this friend earned in one night what DS earned in 4 months. But DS is just not having it, he's adamant that he wants to not be bankrolled.

AIBU to worry about their future friendship?

They both sound like the best of lads OP, bet they'll be just fine!

Well, I’d be worried about all this guy’s future friendships. He needs to learn some tact and social skills. No one normal and sensible would want a friendship where the power imbalance was made to feel like this. I think your son needs to have a conversation with him and be quite direct about how this makes him feel uncomfortable. Otherwise, this guy is going to lose all his decent friends and collect a whole army of hangers on who are just there for the cash.

To put it in perspective this friend earned in one night what DS earned in 4 months.

Even if your DS earned very little (18hrs pm at minumum wage so about 1k pm) that would mean this friend making 4k per day (ie. £1m per annum)

This is unusual at 19...
But honestly if I was your DS id let him pay... the cost of a dinner is bascially meaningless to him ....

Eventually the friend will want to go places that your DS can't afford and won't be helped out to do, so he is going to be an occasional friend. However it depends on how well your DS earns. If people find partners, friendship outings become slightly less anyway. Your DS will recover, I don't see why you'd worry about this tbh.

Don’t waste time worrying about something you have zero control over. Whatever will be will be ?

I think you need to let them work it out themselves. To be honest I’d worry that the friend would stop inviting his best mate to stuff he knew he couldn’t afford and your son could miss so good opportunities.

graciousness needs to work both ways and there’s a difference between bankrolling and allowing someone someone you want to hang out with experience something.

it’s a fine line but surely no one wins if their friendship drifts

what does he do? The friend

Let them work it out. Friendships grow and flounder for all sorts of reasons. This friend may enjoy being generous. He may also need someone from his old life to help keep him grounded. He will meet a lot of people who love him for his money and he might appreciate that your DS likes his company for real.

You could suggest to DS that he could offer for them to take turns paying on the understanding that when it's his turn, the friend has to be happy with a night at Wetherspoons or to do things that don't cost much but do bond friendship like going for a run, cycle ride, wild swim.

Thank you.

They're so close, I think they'll weather their different paths 🤞🏻.

@TheBeaTgoeson1 im not going to give too much away but he has an amazing talent and he earns money from, say streaming.

What does this friend do , drug runner ?

Yes totally a plug.

🙄

Oh come on! Not once did the OP state that he felt uncomfortable! The friend is clearly trying to treat him with generosity and potentially trying to visit places which could be a stretch to his friends budget. They sound like good lads!

I suspect this is just the friend in his first flush of wealth and feeling excited and wanting to treat his friend/show off a little bit. He will calm down once he gets used to the money, I imagine DS will get lavish treats when appropriate (birthdays etc) but it sounds like the friend understands DS won't be able to reciprocate to the same level.

Tbh, I'd be telling DS to accept the offer sometimes, these things change over time/circumstance and I was once treated by friends as I was doing an extra year studying whilst they worked - after that I could treat them back, once i was fully qualified. It's nice to help out friends when doing well, and sometimes it's money, sometimes it's time, sometimes its epxertise or help. If friend was offering a day to help him move house then I'm sure he'd take it. i wouldnt see it as that much of a faux pas myself. We have a very very wealthy (retired at 30) friend and on holidays he wants to treat us to extravagant wine or similar, we all just laugh about his fancy taste, say thank you and enjoy his generosity - its kind he is happy to spend it on something to share and it means he gets to enjoy the things he can afford. We all get too awkward about money and wealth inequality, when in reality its just 1 metric of life, some of us have more time, or happier families, or a better sense of humour etc. However, if DS is determined, just advise him to have a quiet word that says "it's great you're doing so well, I love it for you, but honestly please don't offer as I'd rather pay for myself always". Hopefully friend will get the hint. It's also worth DS realising that as he and all his friends grow up, things will differ between them and it shouldn't drive a wedge between anyone (e.g. I have a school friend who struggles with infertility whilst I had an unplanned pregnancy, dh and I earn more than some friends but much less that super wealthy friend, some people find it difficult to find a partner, some people get jobs they love, some people choose unusual life styles while others are super traditional - life will throw different paths up at them, wealth is just one type of inequality and it'll happen to everyone in some way).

I think it is unreasonable to forecast doom when your son is currently perfectly happy.

I would assume the only way a 19 yr old who just finished A levels could earn a high amount and spend their days travelling would be if they were a successful musician or actor - so likely not working 5 days a week 52 weeks a year.

Nah this is part of life and navigating the differences. They’ll figure it out. If they drift, that’s fine too. It’s life.

I was guessing gaming from the ‘streaming’ comment. There’s a lot of money in it.

What do you hope to achieve by worrying?

You can’t change anything, you won’t help by saying anything, you may be wrong. If he’s a decent lad it won’t make a difference, if he’s not your son will be better off without him.

He’s 19 not 9.
Just leave him to it.

He sounds like an amazing friend ! My son has a friend like this they're 19 and have been best mates since reception, his mate has just bought a house , brand new car has 3 motorbikes and earns a very high wage . My son has just had to leave the army because of a injury during training and their other mates are also either army or in average jobs . Personally I think they will be friends for life .

Am I the only person that would be happy to be bankrolled?

It happens all the time. I've got friends who earn much more and less than me. Just needs kindness and understanding to navigate.

He and his friend ought to look at how best his friend can invest his money, so that he lives like an ordinary 19 year old but buys himself security for the future.

I would let them sort it out; the friend probably wants normal friends and not yes-men or hangers on to spend time with.

I’m from the other perspective.
My child, at not yet 21, earns a very high salary - he had a talent, didn’t go to uni, travels the world, and is a really chilled guy.
He is very conscious that he earns a lot more than his mates and, while he’s rarely in this country, when he is, they always do things that are within their budget, without drawing attention to the fact that he could pay more.
He often picks up the cab fare, as he’s the last drop off.
He’s naturally very generous, but as he says ‘You can’t be a dick about it’
I think your son can say to his friend ‘Thanks for the offer, but I like to pay my own way’ without causing offence.