Advice for a depressed mother with an autistic child

[Annoymous1abc]

Depressed mother is me. Autistic child is my eldest who is currently in the process of getting a diagnosis.

Situation: My daughter is very young for her age. I’m not sure what her diagnosis will be but school recommended based on a few things they’ve seen. Possible Autism with adhd tendencies. we in process of getting her diagnosed. She’s a really lovely child and is very clever especially in maths but as I’m depressed at the moment I might be misreading the situation:

she made friends recently with 2 girls who are in a younger year group at primary. She’s actually leaving at the end of year 6 and is upset she won’t see them so she’s been pestering me for weeks to arrange a play date and I told her we can meet today after school in park. I’ve asked her to introduce the parents to me but the younger kids leave earlier and year 6 slightly late so our paths don’t cross. I usually take my kids to park so it makes no difference to me. I thought this would be a non stressful thing for me as I can’t handle much right now.

DD gave my number to the girls to give to parents which I was okay with. we were supposed to meet in the park after school today. Both kids parents contacted me to say that they can’t make it but they really would like a play date and suggested XYZ and one suggested I come over her house over the weekend. Truthfully I can’t handle anymore new friendships right now. But for DD’s sake I will. All I can handle is having a quick get together in park. The rest of DD’s friends who are in same year it’s drop off and pick up which I’m fine with as I’ve known the mums since nursery but I don’t know these parents so feel weird suggesting a drop off, they will expect me to be there.

can someone please advise me if they been in similar situation? I know being sociable will help my depression but I’m going through so many changes in my marriage and life in general I just feel overwhelmed. Is it normal for a year 6 to be friends with younger kids? They a year below so one year 5 and one year 4! I really don’t want my depression to hurt my children. I’m getting help so please only advise on the situation thank you

I've been the depressed mum. Are you getting treatment for your depression? Is it helping you?

I think you're making more of this than you need to. Most Yr4/5 parents will expect a drop.pff playdate. But it's totally fine for you to message and say " I usually drop DC off - is that ok with you? You have my number in case anything comes up."

Being friends with a child a year or two below is normal, especially for an autistic child. It sounds like the friendship is mutual so I do think you need to support it.

Go to your GP. Get help with talking therapy support group asap

I’ve spoken to friends IN RL about this and they are saying they wouldn’t drop off at a strangers home. I’ve literally never met the parents or the child. We don’t live in same neighbourhood either as school has a big catchment.

The invite from the mum did read as my youngest is invited and so am I type message.

thank you. I don’t want to go into the specifics but anyone would be depressed right now in my situation. My marriage is breaking up and there are a lot of new changes coming my way

No advice but a big hug of support. Things will get better.

I know exactly how you feel - when you’re burnt out and depressed, making small talk with a new person can just feel like climbing a mountain. However, I would say that occasionally I have been taken by surprise at how much I’ve enjoyed meeting someone new, even when I’ve really not been feeling it - you might find that the new mum potential friend is just your kind of person, and you might have loads to talk about without it feeling like an effort. There’s a good chance that she and her dd are also on the spectrum, of course they might not be, but birds of a feather do tend to flock together IME, which makes chatting easier.

The bottom line is that this is something you’re going to have to do for DD’s sake, so try to go into it with an open mind that you might possibly enjoy yourself. And if you don’t, at least you’ve done a nice thing for DD.

It sounds really trite but the best advice I got about dreading a situation was from my dad (I'd forgotten to do a piece of homework and only remembered the morning I was due to do a presentation on it): "Just think, in 5 hours, it will be over and you'll be back home."

I use it ALL the time (interviews, dentist, having to make a phone call, driving somewhere unfamiliar). It helps me to not see the dreaded situation as an end point to build up to, but instead focus on the fact that it will happen, it will end and life will carry on as normal afterwards.

Been there. I have autistic kids too and I am going to suggest that at this age it is possible that your daughters new friends are ND too. The mums probably want to make sure their kids are settling in. I would try to reframe it. Your daughters new friends is building friendship skills with these girls right now. This is a good thing.

I have also experienced periods of depression. Depending on how bad you are functioning at the moment I would do my best. Sometimes something like a project on the table like a jigsaw can break the tension if conversation is strained.

Good luck OP. You got this.

plus don’t forget that depression is relatively common. Even if their spidey senses pick up on it, it is likely that they have been there or someone close to them has.

Thank you all. I feel embarrassed that one of the girls is year 4 whilst my dd is year 6! But as poster said it’s common so I shouldn’t dwell on it

You shouldn’t feel embarrassed. One of my children was home educated for a while, while we waited for a school place and had the opportunity to socialise with children of all different ages. It’s not that unusual.

I hope the play date goes well. Good luck!

My kiddo is best friends with someone the year below him, both autistic. He’s also friends with autistic children older than him, has been for years and nobody’s battered a eyelid at it.
autistic kids find it easier to be friends with younger people who don’t have the typical NT demands kids their age have or are also autistic themselves. Nout to worry about! :)

I think it's fine for your DD to have a friend in a year group 2 years below. They might not actually be that far apart age wise anyway when you think about school cut offs e.g. if your DD is one of the younger ones in the year and her friends are the eldest in theirs the gap decreases.
Also a lot of ND children tend to group together where I work. I don't know if these friends are as well but maybe the have met due to this e.g. being in any lunch club together.

I like the message BusMum wrote above about clarifying whether you need to stay. If the mum responds saying she would prefer you to be there at least you can then mentally prepare for that. I also think Sandwichmaker is right in that if you know you are staying you can set a limit time wise and count it down in your head. Even knowing you are having to stay means you can plan ahead of small talk topics.

Hope the playdate goes ok

On the age remember this is just an arbitrary line by date of birth. Children tend to meet children in their year or class because they are together more, same for the parents. But cousins of different ages will play if they get on even at different ages.