Am I unreasonable for wanting low contact with my mom over my children?

[Mrsmom12]

My mom hasn’t seen my children in over 10 weeks and before that it had also been months. My youngest is 18 months old and I think she has seen her around 5 times in her life to which I made all but one effort because my brother bought her to visit my new house the one time.

My issue isn’t childcare or babysitting, I don’t need that. It’s the lack of interest. She rarely asks how the children are, never asks about school, milestones, activities etc.

My daughter started a new school 4 months ago. My mom knew all about it, I sent photos etc, and she never once asked how she settled in. My daughter was in hospital and after one initial message she never checked again if she recovered. Just a lot of situations like this.

Meanwhile she has my niece once a week for childcare, talks constantly about her going to nursery and her developing and is very involved there, so it’s hard not to notice the difference.

I’m also really close with my brother, SIL and my niece. We’ve all spoken about the situation before, including my Nan and although they don’t like getting involved, those conversations have at least validated me, I won’t go in to more about this though.

I used to constantly ask to visit or suggest meeting up but was usually told she was busy, seeing friends, had plans etc. Eventually I stopped asking because repeated rejection really hurts after a while. So if effort was made before, it was usually me travelling to her. My youngest also had severe reflux and would regularly be sick in the car, so travelling far alone with her was difficult for a long time too.

What hurts most now is my eldest is old enough to notice. She notices the lack of effort and the difference in treatment and it breaks my heart. She has started to ask why Nanny doesn’t want to come to her dance show etc.

There have also been bigger moments that really changed things for me emotionally.

I had a late miscarriage which involved a funeral/cremation. Initially I told family not to come because both SILs were pregnant and due around the same time and I didn’t want to upset anyone or put them in a difficult emotional position. But a couple of days before, when they started asking for music choices etc, I realised me and my husband couldn’t face it alone and I asked my mom to come. She said she couldn’t because she was taking my nan to a doctor’s appointment, despite not even knowing the funeral time yet.

After my first child I had severe postnatal depression and was really struggling. My husband called my mom asking her to help because he couldn’t take time off work. She said she had golf that week and to call my dad instead. My parents are divorced, my dad works full time and my mom doesn’t work.

What confuses me is that afterwards she said she hadn’t realised how bad things were and promised with my next baby she would help more, stay over and support me properly. But I feel like we did tell her. My husband directly called asking for help because I wasn’t coping. And she never did.

Today I finally brought some of this up. Instead of any concern that my daughter feels hurt, the conversation became about how she’s “a good person”, how hard her life is, how she has to care for my nan and how disrespectful I am. My nan has become unwell recently, not my whole child’s life- for context my Nan went on a coach holiday a few months ago with her friend and until the last 4 weeks goes to her social club for disco and bingo.

I never used to hurt as much until I had my own children and understood the love you have for them. Now I don’t hurt for me as much, I hurt for my children.

I genuinely don’t expect someone to revolve their life around us. I just can’t understand going months without asking how your grandchildren are while still having plenty of time for friends, golf, walks and socialising. I’m glad she does these things- just giving context to her arguments as to why she is too busy to see my children.

I feel like I keep hoping she will suddenly become the grandmother we want, but her actions over years show otherwise.

Am I unreasonable for feeling like low contact is healthier at this point, especially for my children?

This sounds very hurtful. Unfortunately you can’t make people want a relationship but I would be withdrawing a bit, keeping things light and airy. I’d ensure I have my own arrangements in place for childcare etc which it sounds like you do. I’d ask her to events and just move on if she isn’t interested.
Does your kids have other involved grandparents: in-laws, your dad? Maybe dial up those relationships if so.

It sounds very hurtful
However it would seem she also wants low contact with you and your children
So just match her energy

Anyone who calls themselves 'a good person' is normally the opposite of that. She is intentionally an uncaring and uninvolved mother to you and I would recommend that you get some therapy to come to terms with the fact that you will never get the sort of mother you deserve.

She manages to be an involved mother and grandmother to your sibling and your niece so how she is behaving is deliberate. You lost a baby late into your pregnancy and she didn't give shit. Objectively, she is a horrible person.

Pull right back from her and don't let her back into your life when she needs you more than you need her. She has made her choices about the relationship with you and your children and you need to do the same about the relationship with her.

I'm very sorry for your loss. You deserve better than that from your mum.

It’s a very unfortunate situation and sounds like your mum is struggling. It’s still not an excuse and I would take a step back.

Sad as it is, the love we have for our kids isn’t always shared by others, even close family members.

My mother was like this when my kids were young. It's heartbreaking and hard to understand, it then when I looked back on my childhood the signs were there. My brother was always the golden child and I was never made to feel loved, prioritised or special.

Don't spend your whole adult life chasing love from a cold indifferent parent. She will never change and it will never come.

Go low contact, protect yourself and your family now and let her be the example of what sort of mother you do NOT want to be for your lovely family.

Yes in-laws are great and very involved. We don’t need regular childcare now, just help for when hospital appt etc arise and kids can’t attend. They are always great and help out. And outside of that, they do ask to have the kids and take them out and spend time with them.

SIL needs childcare, so in-laws include my oldest and collect her from school the same day, then all the cousins can all play together. My FIL also takes my youngest to a music class once a week. I’ve not asked for any of this help, they offer.

Morning OP. I'm so sorry that your mum behaves this way towards you and your children, that sounds so upsetting and hurtful.

As others have said, take a big step back and protect yourself from her ongoing rejection. Has she always bern cold towards you, and ony having your children made it clearer to you? Were you the scapegoat in your family? If she ever asks why she wasn't invited to something by you, tell her straight.

I agree with exploring therapy. You don't deserve to be treated this way, and nothing you do will change that.

I also think you could be honest with your children in an age appropriate way. Don't cover up her behaviours. They will see it themselves as they get older, and feel angry that their lovely mum is treated in this way.

Again, I am so sorry you are being treated in this way. Well done for recognising it. Look after yourself and much love to you.

I have no idea why some parents display such obvious and unfair favouritism towards some of their children and grandchildren, OP. My mother is exactly the same - one sibling and his children get everything, while another sibling and me and all our children are virtually ignored. Sometimes it’s done right in front of everyone at family gatherings. I’ve gone v low contact. My heart breaks for the children, as they can see the favouritism.

Of course not. Don't bother inviting her to things, contacting her or keeping her in the loop. Horrible woman.

I would say she isn’t very maternal naturally. She wouldn’t hug me as a child or tell me she loved me- but she is cold as a person and I don’t think she would really be like this with anyone. She is warmer with my niece and will kiss and hug her, but she still is cold in my opinion. If my niece was upset about something and she didn’t think it was valid she would be very shut off and not validate any emotions. My Niece is 2 and a half.

Growing up, my brother is 6 years younger, I always saw her provide more care towards him, but I never really saw that as favourable just necessity.

I’m not sure about a scapegoat, but if I ever bring anything up about this situation or the funeral for example, I am the problem, it’s my fault the situation is how it is. I am rude or disrespectful or told I shouldn’t speak to my parent in such a way. Honestly, so confusing as I do think I address it with respect and so does my husband so the mind boggles. There was a lot of this as a child. I was not allowed to feel a certain way in my parents divorce, it was her that it was happening to and I was just the child who should just be good.

OP, you just need to relax. Your mother is under no obligation to see you, and your kids, but equally you are under no obligation to see her. If you're not that close, that's fine - it's normal, it happens. You don't have to make any major decision, but don't force a close relationship. If you see each other a couple of times a year, that's probably fine.
If you're looking for emotional support, well, that's what friends are for (not families).

It must be especially hurtful when your brother's child is favoured, easier if someone just doesn't want to make grandparent effort full stop.

I think (understandable though it is) hoping someone like your mother to change is only going to result in disappointment and the only way forward is to protect your kids, maintain good relationships with your Dbro and his family, your lovely sounding inlaws and match the effort shown to you.

Your ILs sound great. Maybe focus on how lucky you and the children are to have them.

She just sounds like a really unpleasant, callous woman. Honestly would you WANT her in your children’s lives more? Go low contact and be glad of it. This is not normal maternal behaviour.

Well that's ok, you'll know how to react when she's elderly and needs care!

Your mother sounds awful. I understand that you feel both hurt and disappointed. I’m afraid you’ll just have to accept that you’re not going to get the interest and support from her that you would have hoped for. But I can’t see the point of deliberately having even less contact with her.

Yes very lucky. When I was pregnant with my first daughter, I hadn’t done anything to celebrate, MIL booked an afternoon tea as a surprise for me. She wanted it to be mothers and daughters and spoke to my mom about it, my mom declined and called me up basically saying she had a cheek to expect her to drive her and my Nan the 50 minutes to the venue. She knew it was a surprise so I am not sure why she told me?

Because she’s a cow and wanted to spoil it for you? Seems pretty obvious to me.

I know if you have grown up with this you think it is normal, but it really isn’t. She sounds like she hates you.

I would try talking to her like about your feelings and give her a chance to adjust her behaviour.

This OP. I am going through the same experience. Honestly, it’s easier to lower your expectations at this point. She will never be a good grandmother to your children. Its so sad but true.

insightful and thoughtful posts. I only want to add…your mum does care for her mother. It might not be much at this time but she is doing it. This concerns me as she may see taking care of the other end of the life spectrum..more important than being involved with dgc.

She very well may expect care from you for herself in the future. I would tell brother you are not taking care of her as she ages. He can if he wants to having been the recipient of her attention or interest but you are not.

Plant the idea this is not how you expect to spend your DC young adult lives…caring for the Nan they never saw and who was never interested in them. It’s double robbery