AIBU to worry another child would inherit our neurodivergent struggles?

[Giffgaffs]

I don’t know if I want to have another child because I feel it would be unfair as I have AUDHD and my partner is definitely on the spectrum. Our DS (7 years old) is awaiting a diagnosis and I see definite signs of my struggles in him, which I find really triggering at times.

I hate watching his challenges, knowing we/I have passed on our traits to him.
I have found life extremely difficult and even though I was academic at school, I just couldn’t reach my ‘potential’ and struggled hugely with my mental health. I never knew I was ND at that time. My DP (his dad) has had a similar experience, although undiagnosed, he was and is extremely clever, but has never pushed himself, partly because of low self esteem and partly because he finds it hard to stick at something. As a result he is in a low paid job.

I’ve got awful guilt that DS’s life may follow the same path, he’s very academically able at school, but I can already see the problems showing up.

There is a clear history of ND on both sides of our family.

I sometimes think I would like another child, but the thought of passing our genes on again, our neurodiversity, I just feel it’s cruel.

You almost sound as if you are asking permits stop at 1. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having an only child. You need to do what is best for your current family and yourself. Don't feel pressured by anyone else's expectations.

I have autism and adhd and have made the decision not to have children because there is such a clear genetic link. Like you I have had huge mental health struggles and I wouldn’t want to pass those on and I also don’t think I would be a good parent to a ND child as I am quick to become dysregulated and overstimulated myself, personally I just don’t want to risk having a child with my genes.

Something I don't think I realised until I had a child, is that one child makes you a parent and you have become a family. You aren't any more of a mother or more legitimately a family by having more DC.

I'd always assumed I'd have two children as I was one of two and both my parents were one of two. Two children, two years apart was my stereotype of a family. But I was wrong, there's no ideal shape for a family. I wasn't taught that at school, but children are now taught it, which is great.

Yes we did. I have ASD and my husband has ADHD. It’s definitely something we discussed before trying for a baby. Our son (5) was diagnosed with ADHD with social communication difficulties yesterday. I see his future as a lot brighter than ours as he has the diagnosis so early (I was 32!) and am hoping this will help avoid the mental health difficulties I struggled with.

We made the decision to have a second child when our first was one. She currently presents as NT (a very different child to our son) though she is only just two so it could well change.

I think you are right.

Was told it is genetic, but they think it's a mix of genetic/environment, But I would always say to someone who is unsure about having a child not to, because there's too much pressure to have two, and no one should feel they have to.

Uanbu to worry about it, the changes are high, and uanbu to decide one child is what is best for your family.

We did pass on ND but no-one was diagnosed at the time, so it wasn't on our radar. All our kids are ND, but what many would call 'high functioning', as much as I know the problems with that label.

We had our DS not knowing that we are both ND. He is significantly affected by his autism. We stopped at one, instinctively knowing that this would be the best outcome for our family. I'm not sure we could have given a second child the same time and attention, but I feel wistful about the decision now and then.

It is such a difficult decision for your all, I hope you can decide what will make you happy in the long run.