Not sure where to start, tbh I’ve come here as I don’t feel I can speak to friends or family but am not sure what to do next…. In a nutshell, married 11 years, together nearly twenty and 3 wonderful DC but all with challenges as adopted. Same sex couple, although when we introduce ourselves people are always shocked…. That’s another story.
After we adopted 9 years ago I tried to go back to work but between the school holidays and the roles I was qualified for it was challenging both full time.I spent a fortune on childcare (60k) and felt like a mediocre husband/ parent and employee. The children’s challenges and with the cost of childcare it was agreed I would focus on being at home with DC and he focus on work. 6 years later it’s a miserable existence, I’m lonely and feel more like a servant than a husband.
Im responsible for all childcare, including social workers/ therapy, housework, education, health, clubs, laundry/ our social lives and running anything that isn’t his job or a direct debit. I’m taken for granted and have made noises about trying to get back to work but it is impossible with three children and a husband who is hardly here and goes at the drop of a hat. He says I should go back to work and contribute but maintain all the management I have now, he will cook a meal at the weekend and empty the dishwasher first thing before he goes, one school run a week work permitting.
Take this month, away for two weeks either end of May informed three days before, now away half of next week and has announced he is going to see his folks for the weekend tomorrow.
I don’t begrudge this at all as his parents need support and asked months ago and I have been a nag asking him to do so as have been told not my family stay out of it, I’m not allowed to contact either them or his friends and he has told me that’s not how they work. He promised to take the DC to see the grandparents but now can probably only take two but will not confirm which ones. Transpires he also organised seeing his mates arranged last month and this came out yesterday so has known for weeks. He will stay in a hotel and leave the 2DC with his folks so it’s a jolly with some paperwork for in-laws. I now have one, not sure which yet who will feel left out but he’s not bothered and he keeps trying to doing ‘this is a weekend for me to go out’ (not sure how with a little one).
I pushed back on what’s going on and he starts ranting Im unreasonable and demanding, he gets no time to himself and has said I’m crazy. Still going but has told me I’ve ruined it for him and he is miserable as he told me this 6 months ago. I have worked so so hard to let him focus on work and taken on everything and now he says it’s just as bad. I cannot take anymore on!
Am I being unreasonable for asking what the plan is or to get a bit of heads up so I can at least plan when he is not here, I get told off if there is nothing for lunch when he works from home but don’t know when he is here, I cannot book anything in advance and am expected to have everything done for the weekend if he wants family time, if he is tired expected to stay at home and let him rest and continue to do everything. Have tried to interview for jobs but understandably no one wants someone who has to constantly defer to when my husband is travelling. Gosh is horrible. Not sure I have explained myself well but is it wrong to want to be included in what’s happening maybe more than 48 hours in advance?