To strongly dislike dhs friend?

[Pinkmoon123]

My husband has a long time friend and I can’t stand him.

He has a child that he doesn’t bother seeing. He treated the mum (his ex) terribly. She wanted to be with him and he’d go to her house under the pretence of seeing the child and have sex with her, strung her along that they’d get back together but laugh about it to dh.

In the end he just stopped bothering and hasn’t seen the kid for years. He’s not even bothered. I know all of this because dh told me.

Years ago I saw messages from this guy on our shared iPad where he was suggesting that he and dh go out finding ‘pussy’ and others talking about women in a vile derogatory way. I felt after that that he had zero respect for me or for mine and dh relationship.

He used to tell dh really personal stuff about his ex. I won’t go into it because it would be identifying but he was absolutely horrible.

On one hand I think it’s up to dh who his friends are but otoh I cringe that sh chooses to hang around with this idiot and judge him by the company he keeps.

The problem isn’t that your DH has a friend you don’t like. The problem is that your DH clearly thinks his friend’s behaviour is perfectly OK. You married a man who doesn’t have a problem with misogyny.

Your DH is definitely engaging with this stuff and saying similarly unpleasant things when he and his friend are alone. Even if he isn’t, he’s endorsing it by choosing to be close friends with a man who hates women.

My DH had a friend like this when we got together. He had multiple children he had very low contact with, lived in a squalid house and was the type to drive without a licence, and buy drugs instead of paying his child support.

I wasn't shy about saying I wasn't interested in spending time with him, for the above reasons. DH did phase him out, probably hasn't seen him for the best part of 17 years now? He's allowed to have friends that you don't like, but you're under no obligation to be friends with him as well.

You are being unreasonable in one way, you don't seem to be questioning your DHs part in all.of those communications. At the least he is accepting if it, or said friend would have been sidelined years ago

We all gave friends we part ways with for myriad reasons, your DH will have ditched and been ditched many times. Something about this chum appeals to him and I am not sure i could stand that... what if your DH used hime to vent about you in the same derogatory terms?

Even if he only likes to be reminded of his days chasing 'pussy' its a bit blech

How long have they been friends exactly? It’s easy to say ditch the guy (I def would say that, can’t stand men who don’t see their kids) but some friends become more like family where you stick with them even when their behaviour is atrocious.

My DP has an arsehole friend who is constantly picking fights in pubs etc. I can’t stand him because I see the troublemaker, whereas I suspect part of DP still sees the 12 year old who used to stand up for him when he was the new, foreign lad at school.

Does your DP expect you to socialise with this friend? That would impact what I’d do about it.

What was your DH saying in the chat that was derogatory?
People very often end up being friends with those who have similar values and interests. Maybe you have a DH problem.

I could not live with a man like this. I could not live with a man who was friends with a man like this.

Why aren’t you judging DH by the company he keeps?

The OP says she does.

Not sure what good it's doing though, as her DH obviously isn't bothered by her judging him.

This moron would be an exh within shortest time possible. Your scummy h hangs with scummy friends.

Lie down with dogs, get up with fleas.

That’s the problem, I don’t really respect dh for wanting to hang around this man.

On one hand they’ve been friends for years, the chat thing was years ago and dh didn’t actually respond to the pussy comment. I probably made excuses when I was younger, but I’ve got to an age where my bullshit tolerance is zero.

Not responding is even worse.

He might've clawed it back somewhat if he'd challenged him.