When does the terrible 2's get better?

[rhinoop]

I am really struggling with my 2 year old to the point I dread waking up every morning.

I try and take him out once a day to the park.
All he wants to do is kick stuff of the floor.

Going out the house he has a tantrum.
When it's time to go home he has a tantrum.
When we get back he has a tantrum.

I actually dread taking him out to be honest and there is no escape from his meltdowns.

At home he one of those foot to floor cars and he constantly rams it to the back of my feet and a few times I have almost tripped up so I have had to put it away as he refuses go listen when I say "Please don't hit mummy's feet with your car", he just shakes his head.

He also spits in my face a lot when he's angry both at home and in public.
Also spits on the floor.

His dad works away and when his dads at home he so good for him that if I didn't have videos of how bad he behaves OH wouldn't believe this was the same child.

DS is speaks and understands everything so there is no concerns of any delays etc.

Im just at my wits end with it all and I don't know what to do. OH is not really much help and just says "Oh he misses his dad that's why he plays up".

Any advice, experience would be much appreciated please.

TIA x

It evolves. The only part you can control is your own reaction so find some techniques that help.
Sounds like you have to be a bit firmer though - he thinks hitting your feet is funny and playful. A firm no, or removal of the toy for a while will get the message across.
Again with spitting. Firm no, putting him down and not giving him attention.

It's kind of shit but I think leaning into tantrums now can improve things later. And by leaning in I mean, just let him. Let him have a massive tantrum about leaving the house. Stay by him, being a calm presence, but let him throw the tantrum. And when it calms down, try to leave again, and that's important because it means he hasn't changed what you were planning to do just by screaming at you. Same if it's a tantrum about leaving the park or whatever let him have the tantrum and remove him from the park, don't let him stay longer because he's kicking off.

Have you read 'How to talk so little children listen'? I read it when mine was approaching 2 and I do credit it with helping me to communicate better. Mine also had great vocabulary and understanding at 2, but the strategies in the book helped me parent more effectively.

Good luck! I thought 2 was hard, then we had a relatively chill 3yo, and now at 4 he's undergone a dramatic personality transplant developmental leap and I'm losing my mind.

Is he 2 like just turned 2 or almost 3?
my 4 year old was perfectly fine at 2,
he turned 3 and became a demon.

he started talking about how his preschool do ‘timeout’ (or their version of it). We tried it at home with amazing results. He used to hate it and really reflect on what he’d done wrong and come out saying sorry (or, fall asleep, which explained the bad behaviour!)

we would just make him sit in his room quietly but alone for a few minutes. That’s all it took with him. And now the threat of it is enough and he’s a delightful 4 yo (most of the time)

Follow “ahealthvisitor” on Instagram. She’s great and has a behaviour guide for little one for £5 on her page but also just loads of videos on all sorts so worth a look!

In my experience, it improved at 4 and a half but until that point I was worried I’d have a 10yo still flinging themselves to the floor a dozen or more times a day! I was consistent, held all boundaries and never once gave in to a tantrum (but stayed calmly in the same room whilst they happened) but I have a stubborn one. He still hates transitions and if something doesn’t go his way I can see him about to blow but increasingly he regulates himself without kicking off, which is pretty awesome to watch. (Especially as I doubted for a long time whether I was doing the right thing and if I should have put my foot down and not allowed the tantrums to occur.)
It’s really hard - and exhausting - but it doesn’t last forever. You’ll get through it!

That sounds so hard OP, but it sounds like you’re doing a great job. Have you tried giving him some choice over his day i.e. shall we go to the play park or to feed the ducks? Do you want to wear the blue trousers or red shorts? It gives him some control but within your defined limits.

Also 5-3-1 minute warnings helped when we had to leave somewhere, plus an ‘exciting’ adventure [and snack] planned for the walk home (bear/gruffalo hunt, blackberry picking, bug search).

It will pass eventually, good luck.

I agree with the first poster about being firmer. There's no way I'd let my toddler ram the same toy into my feet (I'd give one warning and then confiscate it). Are you making sure his basic needs are always met? E.g., hunger, thirst, clothes comfortable, hair not in their face, shoes comfortable etc etc. I find 2 year olds are like mini tyrants 😂Someone told me they behave the worst with the person they're most comfortable with, so try and take it as a weird compliment!? This is meant kindly, but it sounds like you're filming him sometimes when he's behaving badly? (Sorry if I got that wrong from your post). That kind of attention isn't going to help if so. My toddler gets annoyed when I'm with her and am distracted by my phone, so I try and put it in a drawer and play with her properly at home (at times, obvs, toddler play is quite dull and there's always things to do!). I try and take mine out twice a day as I find her more easy to spend time with outside! Mine also gets wound up by any kind of screen time, so I don't have any TV for her yet (her older sister genuinely enjoys it and so watches TV - I'm not totally anti screen)

I found 4 wayyyyy worse.
so imo c5 yrs old!!

OH is not really much help and just says "Oh he misses his dad that's why he plays up".

Surprised nobody has picked up on this. How come you haven't killed him ( your OH) and buried him under the patio!

Seriously though you should point out how supremely unhelpful that is and, if he really believes this to be the case, rather than just something he says to wind you up, what are his plans and timescales for being at home more often so he can do his fair share of childcare.

In their mid 20s in my experience

At around 5 you can kind of reason with them…. But my kid is 7 and still has tantrums so.. never?

It got easier when they went away to uni.

Id say it gets better around 4. I found 3 harder than 2.

Correct answer 🤣🤣

I think it’s total dependent on the child, unfortunately!

My eldest was lovely at 2 and I smugly wondered why everyone found it so tough. More fool me - he was much more challenging at 3.5 onwards, though seems to be getting more reasonable now that he’s almost 5.

Middle one has been a much more tantrummy 2yo, but is a delightful 3yo.

I know you’re probably already doing this, but I think enforcing boundaries is really important, especially with a child who is more inclined towards doing things that you don’t want to encourage. My eldest was the same. Stay calm and kind, but do not tolerate being hit with a car or spat at!

Mine was an angel at 2 (god we were smug) but we found 3, 4, and the start of 5 quite hard! He's coming out of it now. But I've aged these last few years!

I liked 2 but struggle with 4.

IME if you struggle with 2 then you find 3.5/4 to be a big improvement.

It is a good idea to have a very boring safe consequence for things that hurt other people so he can learn that it's not very fun to do that.

I know it sounds awful but I always wanted to give him a sibling but I literally cannot bear going through all this again.

I don't enjoy being a mum at all.

He tells me "go away" when his dad is at home and literally pushes my legs.

I try so hard to make him happy, I ensure I always take him out at least once a day to do fun things and it's always ruined by tantrums and him hitting/ spitting at me.

Even when I'm ill I still make the effort to take him out which is why I have probably had a stubborn kidney infection which hasn't cleared up despite 3 lots of antibiotics, I never seem to get a break from him apart from a few hours at the weekend.

I turned the TV off yesterday and he literally came sprinting into the living room from the kitchen and immediately fell to the floor going mad.

Today he fell to the floor because I shut the bin, a lot of the tantrums are literally for no reason.

I try to be firm and establish boundaries it's OH who is the one always questioning them and thinking I'm being too harsh.

I have told him if he had to look after DS for a week he would soon want to go back to work as the novelty would wear of for DS.

Im looking at nursery places this weekend for him as I really need a break.

The spitting is concerning. Where would he have learnt that? Otherwise it's normal and fitting but passes. My 5 year old is an angel now but 2 was a very different story! Whereas my now 3 year old is all the sass but was increasingly placid until her 3rd birthday.

Nursery is a good idea for you both to break up the time.

I wouldn't worry about going through it again with a second. No two are alike and as I said above, my first was a tricky baby and toddler but my second has been a dream throughout.

Taking him out once a day is great, maybe even twice a day if you can. The hours at home with a 2yo feel long! You mention taking him to the park, can you also look into toddler groups near you? I found these more fun for me as you can chat to other parents, and it's more varied for your DC too. My DS was a wild active 2yo but I took him to a music class and (to my surprise) he loved it.

How do you approach, OP? That would be useful to know. There are no quick-fixes, it's a long(ish) game, but your approach matters a great deal.

What do you do when he rams the car into your legs? I would ask tell him not to once and then take the car away on the second time. Let the tantrum happen and disengage. I would not put the car away indefinitely, as it seems like you might have done? This does not connect the action with the consequence.

What do you do what he spits and hits and pushes you away? If pushes you away and is rude to you when he's having a cuddle with dad, dad should put him down and tell him, no, we do not push and we aren't rude to mummy. Let the tantrum happen. Rinse and repeat. Allow him to have the cuddle when he is not pushing you away. The spitting is unusual – again, stop the second the spitting happens. Stop the activity, put him down, let him know why you have stopped. Let the tantrum happen and disengage.

What do you do when he has a tantrum when leaving the house? I would (and for any tantrum) disengage almost completely. It's not a learning moment, so there's no point engaging. Tell him you will speak to him when calm, stay with them, but don't interact. Show him that tantrums do not get him attention.

Most toddler tantrums seem to be 'for no reason', but they are actually about control. What can help is filling up there 'control bucket' so they have a sense of being in control, but not overspilling it, as that can backfire. Giving controlled choices, even in silly things, can work very well.

Also try to note as many trigger points that you can (they may seem endless), so you can identify patterns and pre-empt them before they escalate.

It's changes....I prefer the 2s to the 3s. It depends on the child. Every stage has it positives and negatives.

Did you ever see the advert for Vic's first defence about 10 years ago? In it, the child has a tantrum in a shop and the mother decides to copy him, much to his surprise. I did this with my child, at home though and not in public. He was shocked and told me I looked silly and asked why I did that? I replied that is what he looks like when he has a meltdown and instead could we try to discuss what is wrong and what he needs. It didn't work all the time but I do think it helped. That along with timeout and also, I would confiscate a favourite toy and say he would get it back when behaviour improved. Worth a try!

Agree with this! My youngest felt like he was age 3 for much longer than a year...

OP if he rams a car into the back of your legs having already been told not to, then take it away. He needs consequences.

Nursery sounds like a good idea.