AIBU for feeling torn about my sister coming to stay?

[Brucebogtrotter257]

My sister lives quite far away and has had issues with alcohol for a long time. She can be lovely when sober, but when she drinks she becomes unpredictable, argumentative and sometimes quite cruel over text or in person.

Our mum has Alzheimer’s and my parents are older now, so visits can already be emotionally exhausting without extra drama. In the past my sister has turned up late, clearly intoxicated, denied drinking, been sick, and then acted as though everyone else was overreacting. Afterwards she’ll often minimise it or act like nothing happened.

What I’m finding hardest now isn’t even just the drinking — it’s the constant lies and manipulation around it. Things like obviously false excuses, changing stories, denying things everyone witnessed, guilt-tripping, or trying to make other people feel unreasonable for reacting. I feel like I spend half my time second-guessing myself or trying to work out what’s actually true.

Part of me feels guilty because she’s obviously struggling herself, and I know addiction is complicated. But another part of me feels angry that everyone else has to absorb the stress and walk on eggshells. I also worry about the impact on Mum, because confusion and tension really unsettle her.

I’ve started thinking ahead before every visit — contingency plans, whether I need to supervise things, whether I should limit how long she stays, etc. It’s making me dread family occasions instead of looking forward to them.

Some relatives think I should “keep the peace” because she’s family and may be lonely. Others think firmer boundaries are overdue.

AIBU for feeling that protecting my parents’ stability now matters more than protecting my sister from the consequences of her behaviour? What would others realistically do in this situation?

Have you sought support or advice from Al-Anon or any similar organisation who exist to help the families of alcoholics?

My personal view is that, harsh as it may seem, you have to put the welfare of yourself and your ekderly parents first and foremost in this situation.

@Brucebogtrotter257 she’s an adult let her get on with it and deal with any consequences herself.

Try not to absorb any stress, you are not responsible for her.

Don’t get involved with her drinking. Only she can stop when she’s ready, no amount of discussing it or being angry with it will change that. So remove yourself from the topic and just make sure she’s isn’t left unsupervised if drunk when with your parents.

Have you ever spoken to her about the situation?

That's easier said than done unfortunately they live 20 miles from me and although she doesn’t always stay there she'll flit in and out of the house. My dad absolutely has capacity to decide who comes in and out but my tactic is trying to get her to realise the impact that her behaviour is having and to stay away while drinking. I've tried anger but it goes nowhere and gets me distressed. I also know full well I can't control my parents!

You have my sympathy. I had 2 relatives who were alcoholics when I was little and it took a toll on the entire family. The tension, the constant supervision, walking on eggshells etc was horrendous. Even as a child I was very aware of it.

One of these relatives was my grandfather, he died when I was 11 and I remember being relieved, a horrible thought to have at that age.

I sympathise but I think you might be fighting a losing battle. You can talk to your sister about how her being drunk around your parents affects them, she might even agree and promise to stay away if she’s had a drink. But the next time she is drunk and fancies going to see them, everything that was said will go out of the window. It’s what alcoholics do. Causing her mother distress is appalling but alcoholics seldom own the trouble they cause and any regret is fleeting.

Just let them get on with it. You’re not able to change anything. It has to come from your DSis and Dad.

Don’t let them burden you with their troubles if they are not willing to listen to your advice.

You can’t control the situation. My mother was an alcoholic; they live in denial. The only thing that helped her was not the five years of me trying to help and her resenting me for it, it was a judge who sent her to AA, the second time she was charged with drink driving. She was lucky it wasn’t prison.

Sorry, it’s not very helpful but there’s nothing you can do that you haven’t already tried. If she upsets your mum your dad will have to step in. She won’t listen to you. You are not unreasonable at all to dread her visit.

I think everyone one reaches a point where they’ve had enough with a relative who drinks, no matter how much they love them, so don’t feel guilty. I guess all you can be in this situation is the dependable one, and that sucks because it’s unfair.