AIBU to feel upset my MIL hasn’t checked in after DC was in hospital?

[summershere78447]

I just wanted a bit of perspective because I’m feeling a bit hurt and don’t know if I’m being too sensitive.

My DC was in hospital over the weekend (nothing life-threatening, thankfully, but still quite scary and stressful at the time). We’ve been home since and he’s on the mend now.

What’s upset me is that my MIL hasn’t once messaged to check how he is. Not even a quick “hope he’s okay” or anything like that. She knows he was in hospital because my partner told her at the time.

I don’t expect constant checking in or anything over the top, but I do feel like a basic message asking how he is would be normal, especially as it’s her grandchild.

I’m trying to work out if I’m just being overly emotional because of the stress of the weekend, or if this is actually a bit off?

Would you be hurt by this or am I overthinking it?

In anticipation of being asked what the relationship is like, it’s up and down. We normally get the cold shoulder if she’s unhappy with us. Has recently had falling out with DP so may be linked but I think this is a little too far.

Thanks in advance.

Has she been in contact with your husband/partner? Maybe she’s had an update from him already.

No neither of us have been messaged, he’s pretty annoyed by it.

What is she like usually?
When our dc was born premature and by emcs mil never messaged once.. Nor in the 11 years since.
That is her 'normal'. And why we don't see her!
Either she doesn't want to intrude or she cares not. Text her and her reaction will tell you the answer.

She sounds as though she may live in her own bubble. If things do not directly affect her bubble she wouldn’t give it a second thought. Selfish mentality maybe? Who knows but it won’t improve so you might aswell save yourself the grief of fretting over it. Just don’t include her in ‘nice’ things as she isn’t there for the ‘bad’ times, so she gets neither.

Does she know via some other avenue that DC is essentially going to be fine and it was nothing serious?

If the relationship isn't great then I don't think it's out of the range of what might be expected in those circumstances, even if it is quite cold and naturally might feel hurtful. If your DP has strong feelings about it is he going to discuss it with her?

I don't think YABU to feel a but hurt by it but equally I don't think it's worth mulling it too heavily, I'd focus on DC's recovery and the family that are supportive, DP can deal with his issues with his mother if he likes.

Definitely doesn’t know via any other method as only my family have kept updated about it.

MIL has previously gone weeks before asking how DC is… will make no contact with anyone if not happy about something. This stirred a conversation around making no effort, in which MIL will now take DC out for a couple of hours every other week but also feels a bit disingenuous/forced.

It’s just one more to add to a list of very bizarre things so I’m in two minds whether to go no contact and stop worrying completely. Issue is MIL will go through me only rather than son to make contact. No idea why

Surely the son notifies his own mother that the child is out of hospital and gives her an update. She's probably worried sick 😮

She knows he’s out of hospital, she was told the day after we had to go (we went in the early hours of the morning).
It isn’t an instant recovery, it is going to take a week or two. But since then radio silence.

Maybe I’m thinking to much into it.

This . I always kept both Grandmas up to date with any health problems ,involving the children.

Yes, that’s what would seem normal to me. I wouldn’t be sitting about festering that a grandparent hasn’t been in touch. I wouldn’t think it was my job to give my parents updates.

I’ll be pretty honest here, given I had to rush out of my house at 1am got home at maybe 8am with a poor baby that hadn’t managed to sleep (understandably) through the night.
I messaged my mother (who looks after child whilst I work) to say I’ve let work know I won’t be in today as I’d been in hospital all night. And that was probably as much as my mum received until we’d all slept and rested. MIL was notified with more details and we haven’t heard anything more then “oh right” since. Since then my mum has messages everyday to check DC is getting better…

It's hard to tell on limited information. But I can imagine reading a different OP about a MIL 'intruding when we've just been through a really stressful time with DC in hospital, and now he's home we need time to be our little family while he recovers. Why can't she just leave us alone and wait for us to give her updates when we're ready?'

Completely understand your point, as for some it’s a case of whatever you do would not be the right thing. However I just thought dropping a message to check in, would be a very normal (not in my views intrusive) way about things.

but as you have said, everyone has different takes and on what is or is not intrusive.

Put it this way OP, my mother loved me and my siblings, and absolutely adored the very bones of her grandchildren. Would do anything for us including walking on hot coals. But what she never, ever did was start the contact as "I know you all have very busy lives with work, raising the children, homework, hobbies etc and I never know when the best time is to call so I'll wait until you have the time to call me". She wasn't a texter, it was call or visit.

Maybe that is your MIL too, in which case you have a DH problem. It usually seems to be the men who expect the womenfolk to do the presents, cards and contact with both sides. Is he one of them?

depends on what she is like - but tbh if you’ve told her what’s going on and that your son is out of hospital then she might not feel the need to reply? It would be nice if she sent your son a card or rang to speak to him etc but sounds like she doesn’t have a close relationship with him so maybe that would be even weirder.

I could understand if in this situation she feels like you will let her know if anything happens and she doesn't need to ask how he’s getting on. Presumably if she did message you’d just reply - yes he’s doing well thanks - so it’s not a particularly interesting interaction.

To me, your mum messaging every day might be creating a contrast that makes MIL look really bad. But I feel like your mum messaging every day is a bit excessive, so maybe neither of them are being normal about it.

I understand it’s not for some people however me and my mum had a GREAT relationship and she genuinely cares about us all. She will text for an update for whenever is okay to message back. My friends in the time we’ve been home have also text at least once to check in, so I don’t think it’s unusual to expect the same from family?