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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to feel overwhelmed by unequal parenting, finances and housework?

24 replies

DaringKhakiTurtle · 13/05/2026 14:49

I would love to hear from others. I am so fed up with my other half and him not pulling his weight and I don't know how much longer I can keep going with things as they are. We both work full-time (I'm 43, he's 51). Husband works a minimum wage job that comes with anti social hours, because it's something sports related he's done in his youth and he feels very passionate about (he always says he "could never do a desk job" - like it's a badge of honour. I don't have a problem with him working in a low paid job if he feels passionate about it, but the fact he's gone evenings and weekends makes it difficult for me as I have to do all things house and kids. I have one full time job, but am also starting some freelance work , as we were struggling with CoL, bills, childcare, etc. When money is tight, he puts his head in the sand and believes "everything will be fine" - it usually is because I find ways to earn more money. I work an office job and am on an average salary, so nothing fancy. I got really ill last year after being extremely overstretched and stressed working two full -time jobs and doing most childcare and housework, because he he had a very uncertain fixed term job that looked like it wasn't going to get extended. I was worried about this, he was not. He has zero savings and doesn't pay into a pension, which also worries me. In addition to my share of mortgage & bills, I pay for all things the children need, caravan holidays, kids pocket money, the food shop, you name it. He is very lax when doing any attempts of housework - genuinely believes that emptying the dishwasher once in a while and folding the odd bit of laundry is equivalent to what I'm doing (which is all the cooking, shopping, meal planning, life admin, cleaning, tidying etc). No matter how often I explain how uneven and unfair this all is, and ask for more help, nothing changes. He's the fun dad with the kids - let's them stay up late, watches movies, shows them endless videos on his phone. I do the rest, homework, school stuff, try to teach them about things like table manners, tidying their rooms, set rules about screen time etc. the one thing we share more equally is school pick ups and drop offs, but that's about it. Needless to say, I am so often the bad guy, it's really depressing. Have mentioned this so often and again, nothing changes. I don't know what to do. I don't have any family support, my parents visit once a year for a couple of days and are extremely critical of whatever I do, so I would have no support from them. I have lovely friends, but everyone is so busy with kids, work etc etc, I could not reasonably expect anything from them either. I fear my kids would actually prefer to stay with their dad as he's so relaxed and lets them do whatever they want - e.g. late bedtimes, screens in bed, sleeping in on school days - and I'm so overwhelmed doing all the non-fun things. Is this the reality for others too? What would you do?

OP posts:
WhosGotTheKeysToMyBimma · 13/05/2026 14:55

Reality is he wouldn't want the kids too much. He's a lazy fucker so you'd probably get a few weekday overnights with him where they wouldn't do homework and would be tired for school the next day. They may well vote with their feet at some point in your favour.

You'll have a nice calm quiet tidy house.

You never know he might have a total revelation and step up to be a decent dad if he has only himself to rely on.

At the minute they're seeing dad sit on his arse and mum working herself to the bone. At least if you split up all the extra money is yours.

DemelzaandRoss · 13/05/2026 15:02

You poor thing.
Your life sounds like one long round of drudgery.
As always, get Legal advice re a separation.
Look forward to your escape.

Whyarepeople · 13/05/2026 15:45

You'll be better off single - at the very least you won't have to support him in his old age when he's got no pension. You may even get some time off if he has them now and again (though I imagine he won't bother very much).

Flamingojune · 13/05/2026 15:49

How old are the kids

Edictfromno10 · 13/05/2026 16:01

It sounds like all he adds to the equation is stress and resentment. I'd get advice re split and talk through with a trusted friend/therapist what leaving (or rather him leaving) would look like.

Nogimachi · 18/05/2026 22:07

I feel so sorry for you reading this. Could you possibly go and stay with your parents or with a friend for a few days to have a rest? I think then he would have to step
up to cook, do laundry etc and you would get a bit of a rest.
Does he actually understand that you have been working two jobs? His selfishness boggles the mind. Quite clearly he needs to get a better or a second job and I would tell him that a desk job might be necessary at this point because money is desperately needed.

Peakyblinder18 · 18/05/2026 22:14

@DaringKhakiTurtle I've been in similar situation where I felt it would be easier if he wasn't there.
How old are dcs?

Loulouboho · 18/05/2026 22:35

This is so unequal - I feel for you - he needs a reality check. Do you still love him? And him you? I think you need a really frank discussion that leads to him recognising that to maintain your current lifestyle he needs to make some changes as you will burn yourself out. If not it really does seem as though you’d be better off solo.

Rhaidimiddim · 18/05/2026 22:55

He is an easy-go-lucky leach who has found himself a cushy number. He isn't a partner, and you'd be better off without him.

I'd throw this one back.

The DC know who they can rely on for the things they need - or will cone to, pretty soon.

Greenfingers37 · 18/05/2026 22:56

I really feel for you OP. I think you and DH need a very frank conversation.

notatinydancer · 19/05/2026 05:45

Bloody hell , get him out.

DaringKhakiTurtle · 19/05/2026 05:45

Peakyblinder18 · 18/05/2026 22:14

@DaringKhakiTurtle I've been in similar situation where I felt it would be easier if he wasn't there.
How old are dcs?

Edited

It's tough isn't it! What did you do? Youngest is 4, then 10 and 11

OP posts:
ShorterMumma · 19/05/2026 06:03

Sounds incredibly difficult and exhausting.
When did your DH start behaving like this?

ViciousCurrentBun · 19/05/2026 07:08

So he is at home during the day when you are working and you two are rarely together? What’s he doing in the hours he is there?

If you want to attempt to save marriage. List needed of all chores and tell him without a change its divorce. Give him a rocket up his backside. If he doesn’t change then it’s over. If it is over you divorce asap, less claim on your pension years.

JustABean · 19/05/2026 07:27

I could never imagine my dh pretty much leaving it to me to fund everything. If we need extra he will do extra hours for a few weeks then drop back and that still hasn't stopped him diving in with all housework, kids homeworks etc etc...i recently got diagnosed with chronic fatigue and the first thing he said was to drop my job and he would make it up and that's what has happened. Don't need arguments etc we just take up what slack there is automatically as we can for each other

Ricecakes101 · 19/05/2026 07:36

It sounds horrific. Has he always been like this? Is he worse now? Did you have inklngs this is what he would be like? He's an older dad so I would have thought the writing was on the wall? Sending strength I was in a similar situation and really the only thing you can do is leave and then really learn from the reasons you put up with all the early warming signs.

thepariscrimefiles · 19/05/2026 07:40

Can you tell us more about his job? How much does he earn? What hours does he work? If his work is mostly evening/weekend work, could he get a second job during the week?

It all sounds very unfair on you. Despite being a decade older than you, he sounds like a middle aged teenager, doing a hobby job and expecting you to be the one who brings in enough money to support a family.

What is your housing situation? Do you have a mortgage or do you rent? You say that if you split up, the kids would prefer to stay with their dad. I doubt that would be the case for very long. It's fine for your DH to be the 'fun parent' while you are keeping things running in the background. If they lived just with him, they would soon notice not having regular meals, a dirty home, no clean clothes, no help with school stuff etc.

He's got a massively cushy life thanks to you but he's in for a rude awakening if you split up.

hettie · 19/05/2026 07:53

I would not go into old age with this man. He will make your retirement poorer and shitter. You already resent him (for very valid reasons). You'll be wanting to bury him under the patio in 10 years time.
Running two houses will be more expensive, but he might have to settle for a flat. My guess is he went do any meaningful lifting the load with liking after the kids so it's not like hell need the space

PinkNeonSign · 19/05/2026 08:08

I was in a similar situation, with someone who simply ‘couldn’t do a desk job’, the bailiffs at the door for his vast amounts of unsecured debt was the straw that broke the camel’s back. If that hadn’t have broken us, the festering resentment would have. I left him, took legal advice and the solicitor said she didn’t expect him to want to have the kids much as he’d have to provide for them, she was correct. He sees them, but not much. Our home is now clean, tidy, minimal and peaceful and even though he gives me nothing towards the kids, the level of consumption of everything is so much reduced we’re actually a lot better off.

If you’re married, talk to a solicitor about a financial order, we have no assets apart from my pension which if I go for a financial order, I stand to lose a proportion of it, consequently I’m not going for one so if he wants to pursue it, he can, but we’re working on the basis he’s probably too apathetic and won’t be able to afford the legal advice or to take me to court.

PermanentTemporary · 19/05/2026 08:19

This is simply not teamwork. He’s not on your team.

Id have that come to Jesus talk. Tell him that things change in a visibly permanent way or you will file for divorce on a fixed date a month from now; that frankly he has treated you so badly that you’re not going to guarantee him that you won’t do it anyway. Get legal advice in that few weeks and make your plans. See what he considers ‘enough’. I think you probably already know tbh.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 19/05/2026 08:24

Privately work out your options. Could you manage on your wages alone? What, if anything, might you get as a UC top up? What maintenance would he have to pay if he had every other weekend? Could you manage school on wrap around care if needed?

Theolittle · 19/05/2026 08:37

Does he bring anything nice to your life?

Mine was like this, I was full of resentment. We split and I still had all the work to do but much easier to cope with.

Make a decision, then get your ducks in a row, then tell him

Teapotparadise81 · 20/05/2026 08:12

I would instigate a Saturday morning regular one hour '"Tidy up time" to get the kids used to chipping in. Then plan something fun for afterwards like going to get ice cream, watch a movie, go to the park etc

I bought a big white board and listed about 12 jobs to do. I added ones that the kids definitely wouldn't want to do like 'cleaning the toilet' so they feel grateful for the ones that they do pick.

Get your two bigger ones to choose 2-3 jobs from the board to complete within that hour. Allocate your little one a couple if easier jobs or get them to help you with yours so that you can model how to do these jobs so they learn.

I would find an app or set up a calendar dar that lists every little job you do, including paying bills, emailing the school etc. Literally list everything you do over the course of a couple of weeks. My GP told me to do this to help Mr see why I was burnt out. I had 75 individual jobs per day to do with anything NOT my actual paid work.

(When this didn't work for me, I just stopped. I literally only did what I felt like I could manage until he got so fed up he was forced to pitch in. That doesn't work for everyone though).

Then put that list in the app and tell him that he either allocates half of the jobs to himself and does them ON TIME EVERY TIME or he can pack his bags because life would be easier without him there.

Teapotparadise81 · 20/05/2026 08:14

And, trust me, your life WILL be easier and nicer without this weight around your shoulders dragging you down.

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