Upsetting comment from dp

[streetblackout]

Posting to see what others opinions would be as I have no close friends to talk to.
I have been with my dp for five years, both in our mid 30s and I am very happy in the relationship although we have 0 sex life. We probably have sex 3-5 times a year if that. I have spoken to him about this but it doesn’t really change matters. We also have 1 dc which took a while to conceive due to our lack of sex life.
Last night, our street had a temporary black out for around an hour. Once the power had came back on my dp said ‘thank god, I thought we were going to have to have sex to keep ourselves occupied for the night’. I was really hurt by this comment, and told him that given the amount of times I have spoken to him about this situation it wasn’t a nice comment to make. He immediately back tracked saying it was a joke and he didn’t mean anything by it.
Am I wrong in thinking this was a really hurtful comment to make?

Of course it was hurtful. But the bigger issue is more important here. Was your sex life like this when you first met or has it gradually decreased? Is he otherwise depressed, does he watch a lot of porn?

I think that unless he's deliberately cruel, his joke suggests he thinks your lack of a sex life is something that you're both OK with, having tuned out you having raised it as an issue. In other words, willful denial on his part that there's a problem.
However, I think that's the least of your problems really, because if he only wants sex 3 times a year, you are not going to ever have the sex life you want in this marriage.
You need to think whether the benefits outweigh this huge compromise or whether you need to plan to seperate. This is the issue to focus on rather than his 'joke'.

Was it a disguised request for sex?

Sounds to me like a quintessentially British way to ask for sex

All his joke did was show you weren't on the same page about your sexual intimacy. He backtracked immediately so clearly had not thought you would be offended and didn't actually want to hurt you. Intention matters.

Sex in a relationship if you're not well matched however can be a big thing. You need to talk about it with him. If you're unhappy and he's happy with the status quo.. then is there a bigger problem?

Thank you for your replies.
Whenever I have raised the matter about sex he always says that he is attracted to me but that sex doesn’t interest him and he finds it embarrassing because he isn’t very confident. I’ve tried discussing his confidence, but he just says he doesn’t think he’s good at it and nothing I say can change his opinion on that. He just looks as if he’d rather the ground would swallow him up than to have the conversation.
He will say that he finds other aspects of a relationship as being more important which I agree with to a certain extent.
He is very affectionate, always coming to give me a kiss or cuddle but if I ever try and initiate things further he kind of shuts down.

Id be concerned that he didnt understand how much of an issue it is to you, but also that he didnt understand fully WHY its an issue, like he hasnt listened to your reasoning? Id be upset if I said to my partner 'I get emotional closeness from sex and id like more of it' and they made a joke of it.
When you've had discussions before, how have they gone?

This is the issue you need to focus on, not the fact that he made an awkward joke about it.

I understand why you were upset, but I suspect he was being self-deprecating about his lack of interest in sex.

His psychological problems about sex, which are quite serious, need investigating. There could be any number of things going on in his head, from confusion about his sexuality to past trauma to intrusive thoughts or issues from childhood or whatever, but it's not fair to expect you to live in a sexless marriage on that basis.

I think you’re just fundamentally incompatible on this and you’ve been brushing it under the carpet for years because you’ve convinced yourself that you’ll be happy without much sex. It’s a hurtful comments because you aren’t actually happy about it. It sounds as though he’s never been very interested in sex and has been open about that from more or less the beginning of the relationship? To somebody who feels that way and has no libido, I’d imagine that whilst the lack of sex feels specifically sensitive to you, to him what he said is much like saying “thank god it started raining, now I don’t have to go for a run” or something equally prosaic and functional.

Unfortunately, I doubt you’re going to make any meaningful impact on this. He’s taken your decision to stay in a relationship where he was clear about his lack of interest as your acceptance of it. You’re explaining your reasoning for feeling hurt; he’s thinking “but she’s always known how I am so why is it such an issue?”

DH and I make jokes like that all the time to each other.

The comment is not inherently hurtful, but hurt you because you're unhappy with your lack of sex life. You say that you've spoken to your DP about this, but I suspect he's taken your acceptance of it to mean that nothing might need to change, hence the joke. I'd suggest you need to talk to him properly and seriously about how big a deal it is for you.

I don’t think the comment is the issue. The issue is the lack of sex in your relationship. Are you happy with your relationship/sex life Op? I wouldn’t be happy.

If you aren’t happy then is it something you can discuss? It doesn’t sound like he would talk about it.

It hasn’t always been like this. I’d say for the first 18 months of our relationship, our sex life was great. The only thing I can pin point as a change was once the relationship became more serious. Once we moved in together, our sex life just stopped.

I’m unsure whether we lost the excitement a new relationship brings and that has been the cause? However, whenever I discuss it with him he says he isn’t confident, our relationship is more than just sex but he will try make more of an effort (yet never does). I can’t understand why he no longer has the confidence when he did at the beginning but again, maybe that was the excitement of a new relationship?

I will admit, I have just accepted how things are and got on with it. The rest of the relationship is great, so I’ve thought there’s no point complaining about the one issue I have especially when I’ve tried to discuss it previously.

I am going to try and have the conversation again with him tonight, hopefully because he is aware that his comment last night upset me he will be more open to discussing things. If it is a confidence issue, I want to try and help him with that. If it is a loss of excitement, I want to try and bring that back.

Has he considered that he might lose you if he is unwilling to make an effort to sort this problem out?
If so, I think that tells you how little it concerns him.

Sex 3 - 5 times a year

No way is that sustainable for a young couple sorry.

Just a thought. Some men who are a bit on the spectrum are not very interested in sex. They can be at the beginning but the desire often is just not there. It’s not seen as important.

Mid 30s and zero sex life. It really isn't sustainable long term. It will just breed resentment and bitterness (if it doesn't lead you into someone else's arms!). Get counseling if you can afford it.

This - sounds like he was asking about sex, if lacks some confidence in that area you might have to “Drive” for a while and ask for more sex and intimacy and initiate more often ( and deal with the rejection)