To ask how you felt getting told off/shouted at as a child

[blubberball]

I know that no one likes getting told off, but how did you feel as a child? I would see others laugh it off/shrug it off and then just go about their day. I felt intense fear and shame. I felt physically sick and pain in my chest. I felt my heart racing, and I would cry uncontrollably. I'd want to run and hide. I was terrified of getting in trouble or breaking the rules. I still hate confrontations now, and have engaged in people pleasing behaviours my whole life. I'm starting to learn about inattentive ADHD and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, and I wonder if these feelings are all tied in. Did other people have these extremely upsetting reactions to being told off?

Sometimes there were times where I knew I was wrong so I just had to take it on the chin.

But a lot of the time I pretended to take it on the chin while still thinking I knew best. I've always disliked being spoken down to - if someone doesn't treat me as their equal, I find it difficult to respect them, and I remember thinking that when I was eight. That was also the age when I started realising I was much smarter than a lot of adults. And I've always had a problem with authority (if anything this has worsened over the years).

These aren't necessarily helpful character traits but I'm happier to have them than to be someone who just follows orders.

@gannett that resonates a lot for me too. I would feel the full range of emotions like humiliation but ultimately I was also quite defiant and I think that’s something that authority figures could see and wanted to crush in me.

Oddly very few adults thought I was defiant, because I didn't show it much (apart from the ongoing screaming rows with my dad in my teenage years, that is). From very early on my sights were set on getting out of my area and away from my parents, and by and large keeping my head down and doing well at school was the way to do that. I was defiant on the inside all the way through but I actually had to actively learn as an adult to stand up for myself in the moment rather than just moving on quietly.

When an adult told me off I would feel that intense shame and feel tears brimming. Even now, if anyone raises their voice at me I instantly feel tears brimming even if I’m not upset. It’s so embarrassing! I once had an argument with my ex where he shouted and he stopped and apologised because I was crying, I felt manipulative because I had been the one in the wrong but I can’t help it!

My mum was a shouter and I can remember tears would come very quickly when I was told off, which sometimes made her more angry. But no, I never had such an extreme reaction as you describe. Oh and I can't ever remember being hit, either by my parents or teachers. This was in the 60s/70s when allegedly it was very common but it never played a big part in my childhood. I knew of and saw other kids being smacked but I don't think I was ever on the receiving end.

I was terrified of my parents and was very well behaved but I was a little sod at school, my parents would never believe that.
My daughter is the opposite and is a little sod at home but an angel at school and the teachers wouldn’t believe it, she is terrified of being told of by a teacher.

If I behaved like my daughter does at home though, I’d have got a bloody good hiding so I didn’t dare.
Obviously not going to do that to my daughter so she happily cracks on being a little sod with nothing to fear.

Both ADHD

Embarrassed and ashamed (usually i knew full well what I'd done wrong and certainly a degree of my emotion was being cross at myself for being caught/doing something stupid) but in no way traumatised! My parents were quite shouty/strict.

It was always very clear that what my parents were cross about was the behaviour. I didn't see it as rejection or a sign they didn't love me. I have a great relationship with them and I am a resilient adult with good emotional regulation.

Even by my mid late teens I respected my parents for having clear boundaries that I could already see were paying dividends in terms of my school performance, achievements in hobbies and praise at school/in the community for excellent behaviour.

my adult son tells me he felt the same. This and other things are making him think he has ADHD and he’s getting assessed this week. Watch this space…

I wouldn't apologise for shouting at my kids.what I say to them afterwards is "you know I do not want to shout & I do not like shouting. I end up shouting if you do not listen/ disobey what I say in a normal voice."

I do think its important children recognise that its their behaviour that has triggered mummy and daddy getting cross/losing their temper and that they do need to learn not to repeat those behaviours!!

I came from a happy and loving environment. Found primary school very tough. I’m in my 60s now and can recall vividly the headmaster stopping what we were doing so the hall fell silent and pointed at me saying “you” and told me off for not playing my instrument properly. Fuck me I’ve spent the rest of my life people pleasing and I’m sure it’s down to that cunt.

Terrified because I never knew whether I was going to get hit or not.

I could do something that would be laughed at one day and get me a smack in the face the next. I got hit depending on my mother's mood.

My dad hit me with his belt then had the nerve to be hurt I was scared of him after that and would flinch whenever he made a sudden movement!

He was also the one who would say stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about. Fucker. If I'm crying its because I already have something to cry about!

When it came to just shouting my mum would scream but my dad would stand over me and put his face next to mine and hiss his words through gritted teeth. That was more frightening than the yelling.

Hi op. The description you gave is exactly like my son, who is autistic. We have to be very careful, as even explaining kindly why something he has done might be slightly wrong (like homework etc) is usually very hard for him. And yes, RSD and autism are most certainly behind this.

Same! I am laidback though

When a child, very much like the OP. Shame and embarrassment, really upset. But as as teen I realised my mum just got irritated really easily and shouted at me a lot, I hadnt done anything wrong a lot of the time. So I learned to nod, take a breath and move on. She couldn't keep telling me off for the same thing again and again if I didn't react. As an adult though I can pretend to deal with it OK if I do get picked up on something but inside I still feel terrible.