AIBU to object when my husband stays drinking at the bar?

[AgilePanda]

My husband and I co-own a business, part of which is a bar

Sometimes, he will stay after closing to have some drinks with mates. These sessions can go on until 5/6 in the morning. When I wake up (usually around 4/5) and see he isn’t home/hasn’t fallen asleep on the sofa, I call him and, 99% of the time, I loose it.

I have never been ok with him doing this, for a lot of reasons, but mostly because he does this and then isn’t a part of our family. The most recent instance was just last Friday, where I called him at 5:30 and he assured me that he was planning on coming home, but after me screaming and shouting at him, he no longer had any intention of

I don’t have an issue with him going out, or staying later at the bar, but i have asked that he try to let me know and not stay out later than 2am, so he can get some rest
We get very little time together as a family, so when he does this, i have a disappointed 8 year old daughter, and I hate that her role model of a man is him, snoring on the sofa, smelling of booze, and often, cigarettes, which I cannot stand. I am ashamed to admit, but on occasion, she has been brought into the arguing, as I have demanded he explain to her why he isn’t there to be with us as a family, as I am so exhausted from making excuses for him

I’ve expressed all of these things to him, many times over to the point now where he says he’s “numb” to me and doesn’t want anything to do with me. He feels my response is unreasonable and that his behaviour isn’t that out of line

When he is sober, he promises me that he doesn’t want to be like this, that it’s his coping mechanism, but really he wants to be a good father and husband and that he loves us more than anything, and wants the life we talk about having together, but then there’s the flip side and he says doing these things isn’t a big deal, that I’m self righteous and judgemental, and that I’m trying to control him. He has said that if I ever went out, he wouldn’t be bothered if I came home late and that it’s normal for people to do this

i honestly don’t know where I’m at anymore. I don’t know if I am being unreasonable and if there is still a relationship here or not

You say he does this sometimes.

if it’s twice a week that’s very different to once every six months.

my response would depend on that to be honest.

I don’t think that screaming at him is going to get you anywhere though and bringing your 8yo into the arguments is also not helpful.

It's awful that he's drinking so much he's checking out of family life.

It's awful that you "lose it" and scream and shout at him regularly.

It's completely unacceptable bringing your child into the arguments.

None of this is healthy. You need to separate for your daughters sake and both of you need to address your issues.

How often is he doing this?

It depends on how often, 4 times a year? Once a week?

However often it is happening it’s clearly impacting your family life and he needs to stop or you need to leave him. Bringing a child into a screaming match between adults is never ok and you are being massively unreasonable for that alone.

You both need to sort yourselves out.

This relationship is dead OP. He won’t be the husband and father that you want and deserve. So it’s up to you how you deal with it. Stop screaming and shouting though!!

That would be a LTB for Me. Once every six months, yeah ok.. but weekly? No thank you. Seeing as it’s your business, I take it he’s not paying for the drinks at the lock ins? So essentially drinking away your profits? Think its
time to give him an ultimatum OP!

I think its completely unacceptable that as parents both of you are behaving irresponsibly and setting an awful example to your child. Drawing her into disputes is so wrong!

Stop weaponizing your kids against your husband. Stop having screaming scenes at home. That's horrible for them.

Your husband has alcohol issues and he's checked out of family life. His primary relationship is with alcohol. Start from there.

Rehab or you split. He's going to have a really hard time with rehab if he owns a bar so that's probably not going to happen.