AIBU to consider moving my son to a different primary school?

[makeapackedlunch]

I’m not in any way wanting to be negative about my DS’s primary school but I am wondering if a fresh start might be best.

He’s made a friend and the two of them seem to bring out the very worst in one another (it’s a one form entry so can’t separate them.) He seems to be getting a lot of time outs and discipline and is regularly coming home very emotional and tearful. I’m worried it’s affecting him and also worrying that it affects how others perceive him - anxious that other children will avoid him and the other ‘problem child’ and be alienated and then of course forced together even more.

Moving schools seems like a nuclear option but I am wondering as there just doesn’t seem to be a way around this.

What are the actual issues with your ds’s behaviour?
How does he behave with other children on play dates?

I would also role play scripts and scenarios with your son when he is calm at home eg “let’s agree to disagree” “ I will walk away” “find a grown up” “No thanks, I don’t want to”
sometimes children forget better strategies when in the moment, so this will help your son.
you also need to ask careful questions when he comes home from being in trouble eg if you ask “did xyz hurt you today? Did xyz make you do it? You may be unwittingly leading your children realise if they blame the other child they get less in trouble at home

make sure you ask neutral questions eg “what happened?” And “what did you do then” and then end with “I wonder what you could do differently next time?” Type approaches

OP I don't think this is such a crazy idea as other posters seem to think. Sometimes a class just doesn't work for a particular child. But if you move him and it happens again then you have to address the root cause.

Fine. He interacts nicely with them and seems to enjoy their company.

He is a bit of a thrill seeker and does tend to gravitate to the boisterous children, and I’m not under any illusion that he isn’t boisterous himself! But (for example) at nursery he was very good friends with a bit of a ‘wild child’ but had lots of other friendships too and the friendship with the ‘wild child’ (which is said with affection, I like the child very much) was and is a positive one. They can be silly together but it’s supportive and kind. My worry with the school friendship is firstly that it’s not supportive or kind and secondly that it’s alienating him from others in the class. That’s his fault, I know, but he is only five and hasn’t got the maturity to see this.

@hopspot there is a lot of silliness, not doing as they are told, annoying other children (eg during a wet playtime purposefully scribbling on other kids’ paintings) then when pulled up sort of each blame the other. Very loud as well, shout and bellow to one another in a way that ds doesn’t to others.

Thanks @PygmyOwl . It really isn’t something I want to do but I am concerned about it. It’s a small school and therefore class and so it isn’t as if there are loads of potential friends. I’m concerned it’s becoming ds and ‘jack’ and then the others IYSWIM.

I definitely have tried really hard not to do that. I’m trying to get him to think about what being a good friend involves. It’s sad because he does have friends. I just worry he’s going to end up disliked because of silly behaviour (and this could have a potential impact on him and his sibling when they start.)

@makeapackedlunch

Thanks for the info. He’s clearly displaying some disruptive behaviour at school. Ignoring this other child for a moment, what consequences are in place at home when you hear he’s scribbled on other children’s work or bellowed across the classroom?

He doesn’t bellow across the classroom sorry. I just mean that generally he and the other boy seem to speak to one another like the town crier - it’s as if a switch happens and he’ll be talking to me normally as we go into school then sees his friend and starts shouting at the top of his lungs.

It is hard to know about consequences. I did speak to him very firmly when I was told about the scribbling on other children’s paintings and told him he’d lose his TV if I heard about anything like that again. But I heard about it two days later so it didn’t seem appropriate to sanction then. With the time outs and the like, I don’t want to be punishing again when he’s been disciplined in school. I am encouraging and reinforcing the schools messages but I don’t think there is a simple solution here as the friendship just seems to take a hold on both of them. I don’t think he can magically think ‘well, I’d best not be silly with jack because mummy will remove my TV’ - it’s from a more disregulated place than that, I suppose.

I think you should move him. He's unhappy at the school. You've said he was fine at nursery. Moving at this age isn't a big deal. He may be much happier like at nursery. At least you'll have tried. If he does have the same issue you'll know moving him doesn't help but at least you'll have tried.

Many children settle down once in the much more structured Year 1 routine.
In the interim I would be asking for daily chats with the teacher, only needs to be a few moments long about his day. You can then instantly reiterate what she is saying and show him you are connecting his choices at school with home. Removing a TV three days later for scribbling on another child’s work is pointless but chatting about his choices on the way home and suggesting better choices he could make will be more useful.

I wouldn’t move him as he’s likely to meet similar children in any school. Building other friendships and helping him to learn how to make better choices in the future would be my advice.

Yes, I agree, I didn’t remove the TV.

I don’t always find out about things there and then, and ds often gives me a biased version of events shall we say I am hoping the chat with the teacher will be productive. It is actually a mixed reception and y1 class, which further complicates things a bit.

Thanks @Fernhurst . It is a worry … it’s a lovely school but seeing him unhappy and clearly having his confidence affected is hard. I’m not going to be doing anything impulsively but if the situation is impossible to manage (and I am stumped to be honest) I may have to consider it.

Now you’ve said about a mixed FS and Y1 class it changes things for me. I’m a KS1 teacher. Do the Y1 children have a different timetable?

I think they must as it’s a different curriculum. Both boys (my ds and his friend) are reception though.

I was asking as it’s useful to know if things become more structured next year. Some FS/Y1 classes run like two separate year groups while others don’t. Your son I feel would benefit from less opportunities to interact with this child during unstructured time.

How are the teachers handling this disruption? Because surely, it’ll serve the teacher better to separate both boys if they are both at fault.

Well indeed but it’s actually implementing that in practice.

From small pool kids in family and wider friends who moved school to get away from issues it's about 50-50 whether they'll go on to have problems again.

I heard a lot from DS school about keeping the boys apart only for staff to again put them togther - only the form change stopped that - it's possible different teacher and more structure will make the problem go away next year but also might just get slowly worse.

I'd listen to the current school see what they say and talk to LEA and see what places there are locally and maybe have a look - see how feasible a school change is for you.

If you can't change school look for groups and activies outside school as he gets older - as if he gets on with people at those it can help them realise it's not them as much and bloster confidence.

We had to move area and schools years later for work and while we thought kids would be upset it was in the end easiest transition - it was done a week into new school year - all the worries and dire predictions were utter rubbish the kids were actually excited and settled very quickly.

I would explore every option with the school first. This is only reception, and friendships change so quickly. My DC have had terrible best friends where I just gritted my teeth, and then the following year all the classes were jumbled and new best friends made. If your school mix classes you could ask that they are not put together, but engage with the school to see what you can do st home to support behaviour at school.

My first instinct was to say that moving schools probably wasn’t the answer to this, and I’m not sure whether you have raised this with his teacher and how much support you’re getting. I say this with the hindsight of very seriously considering making my own DS to a different primary school some years ago entirely different issue. Luckily, I was able to resolve it with School, but it would’ve been very difficult if not because I would have remained fundamentally unhappy. But the bottom line for me was that DS was happy and in many ways settled at his current school. So if your DS is fundamentally unhappy, then I would seriously consider a move. In-year school places are something that you need to look at very carefully first.

Thank you. The situation is complicated: there are only three classes in the school (mixed R / KS1, then 3 and 4 and 5 and 6.) So very limited opportunity for movement and even staying away from this little boy is hard (and the same is true in reverse; his mother might be saying the same!)

There are ten boys in reception. It’s a bigger class than most. As much as I can gather we have DS and friend as the ‘boisterous’ ones, then there are two boys with SEN who are vulnerable and don’t join in as much, then a little boy on his own a bit (I’ve tried to include him but he and ds seem to get on well enough but don’t actually play together) and then the core group of five little boys. Ds is kind of on the periphery of this as he gets on well with one boy in that group but doesn’t really mention the others.

I will see what the teacher says. I’m not going to do anything impulsive, I suppose I’m just trying to think long term and as to what might be best.

The 20/21 children was a very low birth year; lots of schools are trying to fill places. I’m not worried about that so much as it being a worse move. I’d definitely prefer to keep him where he is but in the long term, if the boys in his class end up not wanting to play with him because he’s ‘naughty’ and this extends beyond reception … it could make primary school an unhappy experience which of course I don’t want.

I agree with you that a fresh start and a reset might be helpful. Some kids do just trigger each other in this way.

And if you did move him and the problem occurred elsewhere, then you would be much better positioned to understand what is causing the issue, and to catch it quickly in the bud.

Thanks. It’s so hard knowing what’s best! Hoping meeting helps.

As a teacher I've seen children make new starts and get on really well. I remember a parent practically crying at our first parent teacher meeting because he was like a new child after a clashing friendship at his old school. He continued to do well for the rest of his time with us.

So it’s actually a mixed FS/ KS1 class. I would move him.