AIBU to think mothers should not have to keep the peace

[Credittocress]

I’ve noticed a theme lately in Mumsnet threads about grandparents not following rules or boundaries around babies and children. The replies nearly always split into two camps. One side saying parents are entitled to set boundaries and follow current advice, and the other saying “that rule is ridiculous”, grandparents shouldn’t have to follow it, and family relationships matter more than enforcing boundaries.

What I find interesting is how much this clashes with the way a lot of women my age have been raised in literally every other aspect of life.

My mum has stories from work before she had children that sound unbelievable now. Senior women expected to make tea or take notes in meetings, comments and behaviour everyone was just expected to tolerate because causing a fuss was seen as worse than the behaviour itself.

Whereas women now, especially those becoming mothers in their 30s and 40s, have spent years being told the opposite. We are constantly told we not only can advocate for ourselves, but should. If someone makes you uncomfortable, talks over you, dismisses you, ignores what you’ve clearly said, you are encouraged to speak up rather than smooth it over for everyone else’s comfort.

So I find it strange that the moment a woman becomes a mother, suddenly the expectation from some quarters is to get back in the “keep the peace, don’t upset people” box. Even when she’s vulnerable, exhausted and trying to do what she genuinely believes is best for her baby.

The recent thread about giving a baby chocolate was a good example. Lots of posters saying it was only a tiny bit, it was harmless, the parents were overreacting. But I think people miss the point. It doesn’t actually matter whether other people think it’s a “small thing” or not. The issue is trust.
If parents say “please don’t give the baby chocolate yet”, and someone immediately ignores that because they personally think the rule is silly, of course it’s going to make new parents more vigilant. Not because they think chocolate is catastrophic, but because they’re now wondering which other boundaries will get ignored if someone older decides they know better.

And I don’t even think grandparents have to agree with every parenting decision. Some modern parenting advice probably will look outdated in 20 years, just like previous generations’ advice does now. Families should be able to disagree and roll their eyes privately sometimes. But there’s a difference between thinking a rule is unnecessary and deliberately overriding it.

I also think when current grandparents say “well my MIL was a nightmare but I knuckled under for the sake of family relationships”, there’s something quite sad in that. If you remember how stressful and upsetting that felt, why would you want the same dynamic for your own child or their partner?

The whole “I coped so they should cope too” mindset just feels depressing to me. Usually we want things to be better for the next generation, not repeat the same resentments because enduring them has become some kind of rite of passage.

At the end of the day I think most parents are not asking grandparents to become silent visitors or never have opinions. They’re asking for a basic level of respect for the fact that this is their child, and that repeatedly disregarding even “small” boundaries chips away at trust and closeness far more than just saying “fair enough, not how I’d do it, but your call.”

I think there’s another perspective here that sits somewhere between “grandparents must obey every parental preference without question” and “parents should just tolerate whatever relatives do for the sake of harmony.”

Most families are made up of decent people muddling through generational differences, changing advice, different temperaments and different ideas of what matters. Sometimes the parents are right. Sometimes the grandparents are right. Often neither side is entirely right. And preserving warmth and goodwill while living through messiness is probably more important than winning every disagreement.

I found that the majority of older relatives fell into the following stock of comments:

• We had it worse
• Babies are awful, now give it to me
• Have you tried x (ridiculously out of date practice)? Mine all turned out fine! (I know your adult children and they're overweight with mental health issues they don't talk to you about?)
• You're having a good time? Just you wait, it will be shit soon.
• You're having a tough time? Just you wait, it will get worse!
• Why are you shaping your lives around that baby when you should be shaping your lives around me and my demands?

This accounts for the vast majority of comments and behaviour from the grandparent generation. Great grandparents are actually lovely.

Family is different from work, you don't have a deep relationship with work colleagues and if you upset them who cares they can like it or lump it. If it's family it's more nuanced do you really want to cause a family rift over something that in hindsight will look trivial, and that goes for men and women.

Intentions are important IMO.

I don't like my MIL, she annoys me. But I know she's a good person, she's just very awkward. What's clear is that she loves my children. She made a few mistakes when my kids were small (nothing serious) and at times gave stupid advice but I just glossed over it. Once they were a bit older and not so vulnerable I said 'I trust you, do what you want' whenever they were with her. I couldn't be policing her choices, it wasn't fair or sustainable. As a result she has a lovely relationship with them that's entirely hers.

My mother on the other hand is untrustworthy and a bad a parent, so I let her see my children but I have never trusted her with them. My approach was validated when she almost killed my niece through negligence.

I am sort of like a granny to my niece and nephew as I'm quite a bit older than my sister and I've always taken the approach that what she says goes (unless I felt it was dangerous - that has never happened) and I'll offer advice if asked for it. I'm there to support her and make her feel confident as a parent, not to run roughshod and dominate.

But often it’s not trivial, on one of the recent threads it was about kissing the baby against NHS advice and posting pictures on social media; and on another thread about the grandmother wanting to be in the room during labour. These are not situations that will loom trivial in hindsight.

I assume this is just your experience, my children's GPs were all lovely, willing to help but not pushy and never said any of the things you quote. More likely to be sharing stories of how lovely we were as babies and remembering how they enjoyed having little ones themselves and wished they could have remained babies longer, enjoy it while you can they grow up too quickly would be the phrase I remember most.

When we talk about overbearing MILs, I think it’s also worth asking why some of these women behave the way they do. Is it because they felt sidelined or powerless when they were younger and now see this stage of life as their “turn” to be in charge? Or were they always the dominant one in the household—running things as a young mum—and are simply continuing the same patterns now?
From my own experience, and from talking to my mum (who is genuinely lovely), motherhood and family life used to be almost entirely a woman’s domain. Dads focused on work and practical jobs around the house, and rarely questioned parenting decisions. The mum effectively ran her own little “empire,” including the social calendar—she decided when the family saw the in‑laws and under what terms.
Now those women are grandmothers, and the landscape has changed. Their sons are far more involved in parenting, with their own opinions and approaches, which sometimes clash with the mums of today. Meanwhile, modern mothers don’t have the same closed-off domain to rule. There’s constant external advice, information overload, and many are juggling work as well. That can create a lot of anxiety and make it harder to feel confident or “in charge.”
Some MILs look back fondly on their own time as mothers and assume today’s mums have the same authority and advantages they once did. So they expect their daughters‑in‑law to happily “share” any spare time with the grandchildren. And when they see a stressed, overwhelmed DIL, they may feel entitled to step in, push boundaries, or wedge themselves between their son and his partner—often without recognising - or caring - how different the dynamics are now.

Another thought - dads are more involved in parenting, having their own opinions and occasionally taking the kid to activities, but it is still the mum who does the lioness’ share of everything. All the planning, worrying, thinking. But now we have a backseat driver chipping in with their views based on a small amount of research (if any) and little bit of time spent with the kids. Our role has been diminished in terms of commanding respect in society as mothers and within the family. I think this is a bit of a constant tension that we don’t realise exists as this is the only experience of motherhood that we have. However, speaking to my mother, it is clear that there were just clearer boundaries over ‘mum decides how we spend our time at the weekend, visiting both grandparents and for how long’ etc. She is amazed and horrified at the idea of an interfering MIL WhatsApping busy mums during the working day to whine about ‘only’ visiting the grandkids (and being hosted) two full Saturdays in a month, for example. As happens to myself and others.

There has been a big shift in women's lives in the past 40 years or so and that had big impacts on intergenerational relationships (certainly within MC communities). Most of our DMs and MILs (Silent Generation/Boomers) did not go to university - they left school at 16 and they either became a secretary, a nurse or a teacher. Both my DM and MIL were secretaries, they married young and had kids in their 20s, and they were okay mothers, but there was a high degree of benign neglect and 'good enough' was good enough for them.

Conversely, a large number of women in younger generations (Gen X and Millennials) did go to uni. We're better educated, many of us have careers rather than jobs, we married later, had kids later, and wanted to not only parent in a 'good enough' manner, but we wanted to make a decent job of it. So we read up on the best way to do things, we don't 'get baby on a schedule' as soon as we get home from hospital, we know that it's best not to introduce sugar and sweets early on, we know that the design of cots and cribs has changed over the past 40 years due to what's now known about the risk of cot death, and we don't give babies chunks of hot dog to eat because they are a) full of salt, horrible additives and questionable quality meat and b) they're a choking hazard (yes MIL I'm looking at you!).

But all of this means it's really hard to find common ground sometimes. DMs and MILs get very offended when their well-meaning, but clueless actions and advice are not appreciated, while DDs and DILs risk looking neurotic and controlling, when ultimately everyone is just trying to do what they think is best - it's just that this 'best' doesn't align.