AIBU to feel hurt by what my husband said before marriage

[DreamyPoetess]

I recently came across some chats between my husband and his best friend from the time after we got engaged. Ours was an arranged marriage setup, so we had only met a few times before getting engaged.
In those chats, he told his friend that he didn’t feel physically attracted to his fiancée (me). He also said that he agreed to the marriage because of his mother and didn’t want to disappoint her. He mentioned that he never felt the urge to impress me or put effort into wooing me during our courtship period because his “type” was thin/skinny girls, and I’m more medium-sized.
We’ve been married for 1.5 years now, and I had no idea he felt this way back then. I feel devastated, heartbroken, and honestly cheated because I believed he genuinely liked me the way I liked him—not that he was agreeing to this marriage because of pressure from his mother.
He now says that he has grown to love me since our marriage and that his feelings are genuine, but I’m struggling to trust that. I feel deeply insecure and don’t know how to move forward from this. What can I do to heal and process this? He tells me that this was in the past and I should forget about it but I am not able to move on?

I can totally understand why you’d feel hurt and doubt his feelings- but isn’t this very much the nature of arranged marriages? Surely there’s a strong element of wanting to please the parents (who arranged it) and love growing over time in marriage?

I sort of thought that was par for the course for arranged marriages. I think expecting someone to be attracted to you right off the bat is somewhat unrealistic in this type of a relationship. Has he been a good husband since then?

Its was an arranged marriage of course it didnt start as normal

Actions speak louder. Is he affectionate, loving and hardworking? Does he try now? Is he a good partner?

I agree but he never told me before marriage that I am not his type or that he is not physically attracted to me. Now I feel insecure about my body and question whether he actually loves me as I am not his type!

How does he treat you now? Is he affectionate? Does he put effort into wooing you? Do you have a good sex life?

I understand your hurt but trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. He didn't really know you when he wrote those messages. It is possible he did grow to love you.

Put the chats between him & his friend to one side. Has he ever said or done anything that's made you feel physically 'inferior', for want of a better word?
If your relationship is good and he's never done that i'd say he's put those conversations to one side too, and focussed on developing a bond with you, as you are.

I may be far off the mark, but I thought arranged marriages were entirely focused on pleasing the parents/wider family, not the bride and groom.

Put bluntly, whether or not you were attractive to him was irrelevant. As the reason he married you was to please his family and avoid becoming a social pariah.

I think you are being irrational here. Of course he didn't tell you that then - your parents picked you both as a match they approved of.

So - both of you surely were trying to figure out if this match is also something that works for you. Granted - in western style dating, this figuring out period is much longer. You two had a few dates.

Your insecurity about your body is not really on him. You are just hanging on to these messages as they feed your insecurity, and people tend to be a bit self-sabotaging.

Things about types and first impressions - they are not reliable or fixed. So - at the time you met he thought he had a type. But I also presume it was academic, as he wasn't really dating.

Then he met you. You were matched and entered into marriage.
In an arranged marriage set-up it is very usual for the feelings to develop over time. As "love from match at first sight" - is not really all that common.

OP - the best advice is to judge your marriage at face value. How is he as a husband? Is he attentive? Does he make you feel good? Etc.

And as to the type - to be direct and simple - is he attracted to you now? That bit is not really difficult to judge, is it?
It's not easy for a man to fake being attracted to a woman.

So - stop looking at the old messages and ponder your marriage as it is now.

Most of us on here haven’t had arranged marriages, so what you’re describing is a deeply unfamiliar dynamic, but of the people I know who did have arranged marriages, this doesn’t seem out of the ordinary. I had students in the past who would be marrying men of their parents’ choosing as soon as they graduated, and most of them already knew the grooms, and weren’t particularly attracted to them, just viewed them as the next life stage.

If he would have told you, realistically what you would have done? Cancelled the marriage? Find someone else? If the answer is yes, then you arw right to be upset. If the answer is no then him telling you this would have accomplish nothing but hurt you and starting a marriage on the wrong foot with you. Arranged marriages are not Cinderella fairy tales and the prospect of both parties to feel instant atraction for eachother is not realistic. We all grow up with fantasies and ideals, but life teaches us different and we end up with what works. If the marriage works for you now you have nothing to be upset now.

Before saying whether you’re unreasonable or not, I think it’s important to know: how did you ‘come across’ these chats?

They’re from a year and a half ago, so you must have been trawling through an extensive chat history, considering they’re with his best friend who he must talk to frequently. No judgement, but why were you doing that? Was it because of current issues making you unsettled or suspicious?

how did you come across those chats? Where you snooping as you don’t trust him anyway?

I’m also curious about how you came across these chats. Did your DH show them to you or did you find them yourself?

Why would he tell you? That would be hurtful. You weren’t his type, but the marriage was important to him for his family and culture so he tried and he fell in love with you for who you are.