To rethink a friendship over this

[northtothestars]

We have been been friends with a couple for a number of years but recently the Dh in this couple has not been well.
His wife is a few years younger than him but due to domestic violence in her last marriage has a missing front tooth which I know she is conscious of but understand her traumatic past.
Anyway her Dh went for an operation this week and during the operation his front teeth were broken during the operation while he was biting down on the breathing pipe.
He had already told my Dh this when he rang to see how he was after his operation.
His wife however gleefully came and asked us if we wanted to hear something funny and then told us how he had beoken several teeth and she thought it was hilarious and was going around telling everyone.
I don’t see the funny side and couldn’t possibly see humour if it was my own husband but can only conclude that perhaps she feels elevated now that he has dental issues as well?

Honestly, I would assume she's in a bit of shock and doesn't know how to react. People can be very, very weird when they're in a situation like this and can say the most inappropriate things. It could well be it's really shaken her up and she is trying to cover it up with an inappropriate attempt at humour.

Maybe it just seems a bit cruel to be so happy about your husbands misfortune

I'm saying, she doesn't sound 'happy'. She sounds as if she's having an odd and panicky reaction. Can you really, honestly not see that?

If ye were close you definitely wouldn’t post this! Dark humour between friends is very normal.

I’d assume she is in a laugh or cry situation, her husband has had an operation, she’s probably worried sick. I’ve had situations where I felt like crying and ended up laughing hysterically, it was uncomfortable for me and everyone else there and I’d hate to think I was judged harshly for it.

Agree with the others. Try giving some grace.

@northtothestars she simply found it funny that they both now have front teeth issues. What a pair! Haha

Stop trying to find issues where there are none.

This, both lost teeth in awful situations?
or has he been a dick about her teeth and she now thinks “KARMA!!”

I thought it was going to say “and he’s booked an emergency dentist for himself but leaving her with no front tooth after all these years”!!!

why hasn’t she had it fixed if she’s self conscious about it??

Ok so maybe I’m reading too much into it, as I said she’s younger than him and we’re his age so maybe it’s just how she processes things.
We knew him before her and so maybe a few things have brought us to question her genuine feelings for him so maybe thats clouded things, we just thought that was such an odd reaction to what’s happened and from what family and other friends say we are not the only ones who thought it.

Get out of their relationship! Their feelings towards each other have nothing to do with you.

I don’t understand what her age has to do with it? It sounds like gallows humour to me. Maybe seeing him without front teeth is triggering for her because she associates it either way violence? You will have a better idea than randoms on the internet.

And like a pp, I’m wondering why she hasn’t fixed the missing front tooth if it’s been gone a long time…?

You are overthinking this, and actually being a bit mean in spirit. As a pp said, it could have triggered a memory of her DV where she lost her tooth and she's now unable to handle it. Add to that the stress of her husband being ill, having an operation AND not coming out better than when he went in, is enough to tip anyone over.

I certainly would be in shock finding out my husband had broken his teeth while being unconscious and being "cared for" in a hospital setting. Wouldn't you be?

Edited for spag

I see the funny side- of all the things to happen he's ended up with the same as her. What are the odds kinda thing.

You sound so ignorant of the effects of violent trauma. Do a bit of research.

Survivors of DV can often have what seems “strange” or “inappropriate” responses to stressful situations, to those who haven’t suffered. Trauma responses can be difficult to understand but for gods sake show her some grace and cut her some slack.

You sound like a bit of a shit stirrer quite honestly op. They are a couple in crisis and here you are gloating on Mumsnet!

I think more context of where, when and how she said it is needed. When you say she came and asked you if you wanted to hear something funny, do you mean on the phone call between your dh and his friend? So were they both still in the hospital and his wife joined the call and told your dh about it? Was it a video call? Perhaps she wanted to lighten the mood and make a joke of it first time you and your dh saw it? She will know how self conscious her dh might be feeling about missing teeth and wanted to make light of it in a social situation - it could almost have been protective as well as gallows humour. You have no idea how he and she feel about it and talk about it behind closed doors. However, if you are saying that she literally came round to your house on her own in order to regale you with it as a funny story then yes that would be a bit weird.

Is there more to it OP? Because this on its own doesn’t seem like much to end a friendship over

Sounds like a “if you don’t laugh you’ll cry” situation.

It’s an awful thing to have happened and if you don’t try and make the situation lighter it would be very stress inducing.

I think you're taking a very superficial approach to something that sounds pretty deep. Her reaction is not 'normal' of course, but its rather simplistic of you to decide she's not nice enough to be your friend because of it. Not to mention virtue signalling.
This is her life, her history, her husband and her trauma, and its not your place to get on a self righteous high horse about it.
If you don't want to be friends with her anymore, that's your perogative. It can be uncomfortable when people say things outside of the norm, but I think its unreasonable to have decided she's a bad person on the basis of it.

It's probably the least of their problems right now and they can see the funny side.

You are way over thinking this at a time when you should just be supportive

They live opposite us so she had popped over to tell us.
I think my reaction was because we had already heard from him and he sounded really devastated about it and his son had also told us while sounding generally concerned so to hear her reaction was surprising more than anything because we gave our condolences to be told no need to be sorry as it’s funny.
I just thought it came across as disrespectful and nasty.

Honestly my first thought is why can’t either of them visit a dentist and their teeth repaired?

I agree with you Op. The wife is being particularly unpleasant about her husband’s broken teeth. I simply cannot understand the posters who are twisting themselves into contorted positions in order to excuse / explain away the wife’s nastiness. Yes she’s suffered trauma in her past but plenty of people have trauma in their past and are still empathetic. I also agree with the pp who suggests it’s time for them both to find a good dentist.

Yeah that does sound weird. Almost gloating. But I still wouldn't draw too many conclusions perhaps he has teased her once too many about her missing teeth.