AIBU not to warn another mum her daughter was not invited?

[OneBrightCrow]

Long story short, my daughter didn't invite a girl she's been friends with since the beginning of year R, to her birthday celebration, and the mum thinks I should've warned her.

now in year 4, my daughter has started to broaden her friendship group and seems to have more settled friendships than the friendship with the girl in question.

Although their friendship has been fairly consistent, I wouldn't say it has always been positive. She can be quite bossy, critical of my daughter (you can't dance, you're doing that wrong etc), and behaves older than her years so often says things about weight, image, boys etc that seems to go over my daughters head a lot of the time, but I worry it won't always.

she's often left my daughter out of things (when three is a crowd) and I've navigated those situations by encouraging my daughter to focus on friends who don't make her feel bad.

this birthday, she opted to ask a group of friends to Go Ape, and didn't pick that girl. We questioned her choice a little (not the people, but just are u sure that's your final choice etc)

now the party has been and gone, it has got back to the girl, and her mum has text me questioning why she wasn't invited and she now has to deal with her daughter in floods of tears and would've appreciated a heads up.

was I unreasonable not to send a text before the occasion to prepare her?

I explained that I thought the girls had grown apart somewhat, so didn't think it was a big deal and with limited awareness of the dynamics of school friendships, didn't feel in a position to dissuade or challenge my daughter's choice. The way I see it, if my daughter had really wanted her there, she would've picked her.

(I can't really explain to the mum that my daughter is sometimes in tears because of hers, and that my daughter feels bad about herself a lot of the time because of what her daughter has said. And this girl claiming to see my daughter as her "BFF" doesn't change how she can make my daughter feel)

I get on with the mum well and have expressed that my daughter still wants to be friends, and I'm sorry I didn't deal with it the way she would've liked.

i have another school mum friend who's daughter and my daughter sometimes clash a bit, but it hasn't stopped us being pals, so I'm hoping we can achieve a similar dynamic.

but was I reasonable?

I wouldn't have thought it's the done thing to text someone to tell them they're not invited and she needs to manage her own daughter, regardless of why you didn't invite her, that she doesn't need to be invited to everything.

YANBU.

But YABU. It would have been better to tell her mother why she was not invited. If her behaviour is affecting her social life it is pretty important that her mum helps her fix that while younger. She won't have a chance to if no one tells her.

I did tell dd's ex best friends mum exactly why they were no longer friends. Not in a nasty way, but honest.They never became as close, but dd reported that something definitely changed. Previously the girl only really had dd, by the end of high school she had a solid group of close friends.

They are children. They deserve the chance to learn from their mistakes, which they cannot do if nobody tells them what they are doing wrong.

• children called Rafferty doing forest school in cashmere

this made me LOL!!!! But seriously, I hear you, I’m just quietly waiting for my ‘set for life’ lottery investment strategy to pay off so I can retire, grow veggies and have beautiful blonde highlights.

It wouldn't have felt right because there's not been anything recently that's upset my daughter.

its more historic stuff that has led to me encouraging the more positive friendships, and not challenge my daughter's choice to invite a different group of friends.

I think maybe when we're in person, if we explore it a bit more I can then elaborate and give some examples as to why they may have drifted... but didn't feel right to bring up old stuff (via text) when she said her daughter was sat in tears

you're right though. She's not doing her daughter any favours in overlooking the behaviours, and is only aware of them if she's told.

She is unreasonable but I can see her point. They thought the girls were close friends so to not be invited to a birthday party is a pretty hard message from your camp that’s not the case. They won’t see or appreciate their child’s faults.

Personally in this situation I would have just invited her. Your dd will obviously drop her over the next few months as they get older but she can do that gradually. Youve preempted that in quite an abrupt and brutal way.

This happened with friend of mine.
She did give the other Mum a heads up, in person. The Mum was outraged had a massive rant about being kind, blocked my friend on everything and never spoke to her again.
Even now 9 years on the kids aren’t in the same school the offended Mum will cross the road to avoid my friend.

As they get older - mini blondes in yr 4 as well - they have smaller parties - we have 6 now - so 5 friends and dd

you can’t invite everyone and if they aren’t playing as nicely now and dd didn’t want her . Thats her choice at 9yrs old

did she go to the other girls birthday ?

Yep, I was going to ask this too - whether DD went to her birthday. Not that invites demand an invite back, but more to understand how much your daughter likes or doesn't like this girl.

A mum of a girl in DD's year went round saying how horrible DD was (I found out later) but happily sent her daughter to DD's birthday party, sleepovers, playdates etc.

Not saying my daughter is an angel all the time ( never intentionally unkind but I know her sense of humour can be very blunt/she can be very matter of fact which can upset people and we have talked to her about this), but if my DD was that bad then why would she have sent her round ours so often? Turned out she resented my daughter for doing better than hers with sports, academics etc and was trying to big her daughter up by putting mine down.

Not saying this is you at all OP, just sharing a similar experience

Your daughter can invite who she wants.
I know of a situation where a girl invited all the girls in the class to her birthday party, bar one (She was resentful of this one girl because her mother kept using this girl as a shinning example, so it’s no wonder she didn’t want to include the girl, but it was hardly the girl’s fault) They were all 11.
She hadn’t told her mum, that she’d left one girl out.
At the school gate the birthday girls mum, totally unaware, said to the left out girls mum ‘We’ll see X on Saturday for the party’
The left out girls mum, just said calmly ‘No, my daughter isn’t invited’
The poor woman was flabbergasted.
I am the mother of the left out girl, she’d never harmed the birthday girl in any way, but the girl had the right not to invite her.
I never said to my daughter that the girl was a jealous wee madam - & who could blame her with her mother making comparisons?
Anyway, that Saturday we made sure that my daughter had a fantastic day, and it was a great lesson in life for her - you don’t have to have done anything to piss some people off!
They left school soon after and I don’t think she has ever seen the girl again, so no harm done.