AIBU to keep wavering over whether to have a second child?

[Spacehopper06]

I’m going back and forth over whether I want another child and it’s driving me crazy.

For context, I’m 37 in June this year and my partner is 44.
We currently have a 7 year old DS who definitely has traits of AUDHD and is on the waiting list for assessment.
I have recently been diagnosed myself, just over a year ago with AUDHD. My partner also has traits and it runs in both our families.

I’ve been set on having one child for a while as I didn’t take to motherhood very well (due to what I now know was undiagnosed Neurodivergence). My DS didn’t really sleep through the night until he was about 5. Even since then we’ve had times of multiple wakings over a certain period.
He definitely shows signs of PDA and is very intense and difficult to manage at times. Although very loving too, I find it overwhelming and triggering.

I guess I’ve hit almost 37 and realising I haven’t got a huge amount of time left and I don’t know if it’s hormones talking.
Quite a few friends of mine are currently pregnant or looking at trying soon. This is for their second / multiple pregnancy.

I know no stranger on the internet can make a decision for me but I keep going back & forth constantly and it’s so overwhelming.
I wrote a few pros & cons.

Pros:
• A sibling /support in the future for DS
• Will be able to try and enjoy it this time as first time was so scared/overwhelmed/PND
• Another opportunity to be a mum again and do it all over
• Don’t want to get past menopause and regret I missed the chance

Cons:
• No extended family/support nearby
• Likely to pass on mine and my partner’s MH/ND traits again
• PND worries
• Sleep impact
• Only just starting to get myself back on track
• Financial worries
• Lack of space in our house / no spare bedroom
• The impact of the big change on DS

I really need some advice from others here. Decision making is a real problem for me and I’m always hugely concerned I’ll make the wrong one.

From what you’ve said, the negatives outweigh the positives for you. You don’t have to do it just because most people have 2.

Didn’t want to read and run, I’m 26 and I have a 3.5 year old and a 4 month old. I wouldn’t of dreamt of having another had I of known how bad my daughter was going to get in the last year (suspected audhd, too young for diagnosis, I’m diagnosed audhd though) I’m a single mum and my days seem to go on forever, no freedom, find it really hard to spread myself between the two of them. I adore my children but it is hard when the eldest has additional needs and requirements. I’d say if you’re happy as you are then maybe reconsider and just keep yours an only. Mine won’t be able to share a bedroom, days out are proving difficult, simple things like mealtimes are a disaster, I anticipate it will only get worse due to my own experience in childhood with audhd. Who knows if the baby will have it too! It’s really hard. And I wouldn’t want to put a neurotypical through having a neurodiverse sibling and the issues that come with that either. Sounds awful but other send parents will see what I mean and hopefully you do too.

Your negatives are far stronger. Siblings are not guarantee of support in the future, and the age gap means they won’t really play together. Honestly you don’t know if you’ll enjoy it - you could get PN again and also you’ll be juggling with your first. I think feeling like you want another and it actually being a good idea are very different things. We’re 99% sure we’re not having a 2nd; and ours is only 18 months. Maybe I’ll change my mind or regret it but I just have zero actual desire for another one. Dont be influenced by what others are doing, that’s whats right for them, not necessarily you.

Thanks for the responses so far.

My DS saying the other day “can we have a baby too?” As his friend is going to be a big brother.

Honestly he has no idea of the reality of a baby 🤣 hes just saying that as his friend is. Definitely don’t make a decision based on that

Seems like a no-brainer to be one and done. It is difficult to put your head over your heart so I appreciate that it's still not an easy decision to make.

It sounds like you already have more than enough to deal with