AIBU to feel overwhelmed postpartum and fixated on my ex?

[GeraniumPlanters]

I need some talking down. Has anyone else felt like this postpartum?

My DS is 5 months old and not sleeping well at all. Waking every two hours at night, not napping etc. Only getting to sleep on me, then I have to try to transfer him and often he wakes and then the cycle begins again. I’m feeling very upset. I’m being so horrible and mean to my partner.

During all of this endless scrolling of feeding and having him sleep on me, I keep on looking at my ex’s social media and seeing him aglow with love with his new girlfriend, seeing them have an insanely active lifestyle, both have loads of money, intellectual jobs etc.

I was engaged to my ex and I keep thinking ‘what have I done?’ Even though I was very unhappy and literally couldn’t breathe with him and the thought of a future with him made me so anxious.

I was with my ex for a very long time, and keep ruminating on the past and remembering the good times.

I feel so broken from the sleep deprivation and feel sick that I can’t be present with my baby and partner and instead just keep stalking my ex on social media and feeling depressed.

I don’t know how to break this cycle and I don’f know what I’m looking for, really. Maybe someone telling me they’ve been there and it gets better? I still feel like I’m grieving my past relationship (we broke up 5 years ago, but had a messy and tangled finish so it wasn’t very clear cut). I feel like there’s something so deeply wrong with me.

Please help :(

Oh OP, please don't beat yourself up.
What's happening here is probably lack of sleep.
You are awash with baby hormones, sleep distubances, and emotional rollercoasters.
If I were to give an practical advice, it would be to block the social media app you are using, cut it off at source. Then replace that with someone else like audio books or a silly game on your phone.
Try to plan a day where you can nap when baby naps, and have some nice things to do like going to a cafe and having a hit chocolate (even if little one is sleeping on your chest the whole time). You need some small, achievable joys in your life, even if it's getting into a TV series that has loads of seasons, and you can think 'ooh when baby naps I'll watch the next episode'

Life doesn't have to be any bigger right now than your babies core needs and your comfort.

Thank you. I really appreciate your reply. I would love to nap when he naps, but it’s so hard when he only really naps on me or when I’m on the move and he’s in the buggy. I know I need to do better with this, though. I know it’s sleep deprivation that’s really doing a number on me 😣

I feel your pain as I also had one of those babies. I'd go to bed at 7 so they could sleep on me, and I'd either nap myself or listen to audiobooks on headphone. Then DP would come and relieve me at 10pm (by carefully peeling the baby off me and onto his chest 🤣) so I could go to the loo and grab a snack. Then back to bed ready to feed the baby back off to sleep. Rinse and repeat every few hours. In the morning it was wake with baby, feed, both of us drift off again until the next feed, then stay in bed with me singing songs at them for an hour before getting up. Any rules about what time things should be done went out the window, all I did was eat, sleep and cuddle. The house was a tip, but the baby was happy.
Occasionally I'd put on a clean pair of leggings and a t shirt and meet someone for coffee. On days where I felt I was going mad with sleep deprivation sometimes just getting out of the house looking a state and getting a hot chocolate in a cafe made the day a little brighter.
Can your partner give you time at the weekend just to sleep?