AIBU to step back from friends after 40th birthday

[Anoymous12344]

I wanted to get some opinions about whether or not I am being unreasonable to distance myself from a group of friends from university.

We've been friends for 20 years since uni days and have managed in the chaos of life to still have regular catch ups. Some of us are closer to others in the group but overall we are all good friends.

It has recently been our 40th birthdays and for the first couple of birthdays I made a really big deal of the friends who birthdays it was. Travelled down to see them (3 hours each way), took a balloon, cake and nice present.

However, when it came to my birthday it was a completely different story. Out of a group of 5 only 1 came to my birthday catch up ( which was planned months in advance) and both of the ladies who I’d traveled to see and taken presents didn’t come to celebrate with me and worse than that they didn’t even send me a card! One of them didn’t even reply to the message about whether she could come (so I actually paid for her to come to the activity) and to this day has never replied. The other one I text two days before and she sent me a long message to say she was going to have to cancel but genuinely if I hadn’t text her I think she would have just not shown up.

Now I get people are busy and have busy lives but to not even send a card or communicate about catching up or not to me is rude. I think what makes it worse is the effort I put in to then have absolutely nothing back has really upset me.

Am I being unreasonable to take a step back from this friendship group? Like people say perhaps some friendships are not for a lifetime and I just don’t mean as much to them as they do to me?

I should add it’s now been a year since this happened and noones been in touch to have a belated birthday catch up and it still is really really bothering me (which I do wonder is a me problem)

You're not being unreasonable, but why did you pay for someone to do an activity if they hadn't even confirmed they were coming? Anyway, I would go very low contact with them now and see what happens. I hope you have other friends who did nice things for your birthday.

No you're right. People are just so full of their own importance sometimes to think of others. It would have taken 20 mins to stop and buy and send a card. Even a text message replying sorry can't make it but have a lovely day.

I was the same on my huge birthday last year and that was family. I decided to stop bothering about them and theirs. I feel so much better, as I realised it was only me making the effort! Hope you did have a good day x

That’s so rude! I’d quietly drop the rope as they say. Move on and spend time with people deserving of your time.

Honestly? Friendships naturally ebb and flow. It isn't that deep. Just let it go and move on with your life. 💐

How hurtful OP .. so you haven't heard anything from those two for a year! What about the others? Have they said anything about it? Have you seen them?

Hurtful op. Would def take a step back in this. I find that too we 50s massive efforts for some and others overlooked.. I dont know I just dont put in big efforts now. I do think people are super flaky now)

I’ve heard from them in a group chat about other things but nothing specifically about my birthday. I’ve also not seen them.
The lady who said about letting it go and moving on is 100% right I just need my brain to stop overthinking it!

Birthdays are very important to some people and not others. I have a set of very close friends since my school days. We go on holiday together a few times a year and have been with each other through births, deaths, marriages, and divorces. All everyone gets is a cheery Happy Birthday on the WhatsApp. I wouldn’t go low contact with them if everything else is fine, but I would match their energy re. Birthdays.

I am sorry that happened.
However, just because you make so much effort it doesn’t mean everyone does. It does seem to be common now.
I think it’s also common for friends who aren’t nearby to drift about now. Not making excuses but life can be very busy, and some people cope better than others.
There is no excuse to be rude or leave others hanging though.
I think at your age, plus, it’s really important to have friends who are nearby.
If this has been upsetting you for a year then it’s time to get some perspective. As long as the people you really love are there for your birthday, that’s all that matters.

This is a good call. They don't deserve your headspace.

Looks like you were more invested in those friendships than they are. Sad but true. Unless they are all sociopaths I guess there are people in their lives they do care about and make a fuss of, just for whatever reason you don’t make the list.

Definitely move on and prioritise friendships which are reciprocal. I made a lot of new friends in my late 30s and 40s and its been amazing x

YANBU, it takes a few seconds to send a text. However meeting up 5 times in the space of a year to celebrate the 40th birthday of the same 5 people within the same group does sound a bit much. It would perhaps have been an idea to book a group weekend to celebrate you all turning 40 in one go?

Aw I’m sorry OP! I would stay friends with the one who did come to your birthday thing and bin the rest. I would be hurt too that the friends expect your effort but don’t want to reciprocate! I don’t keep up with flaky people anymore because the disappointment is rubbish

I think you've missed that boat - one 'friend' has already dropped you and another isn't far off. I think you're a very kind sociable person but times move on and all those gatherings in one year were just too many. Stay in the group chat but develop your other friendships.

Have you heard of the let them theory? It’s something I’ve been implementing into my life for the past 6 or so months after being the person who always showed up for others but would get cancelled on / forgotten about often.

If they wanted to celebrate with you and make the effort, they would have. Life is busy you are right, sometimes we are sick or have family things going on and can’t attend everything but it takes 5 mins to order a gift online and say “happy birthday” especially the friends who you made effort for with gifts and travel

I would take it on the chin as a friendships ebb and flow thing but step back and meet them half way with effort. Don’t go above and beyond anymore. It’s free-ing in the long term, trust me x

I think they have already taken a step back from the friendship. It's sad when friendships die off but you will only frustrate yourself if you keep chasing them.

I have a friend like this, from whom I have very much grown apart over the years. In our friendship group of 8 there are 3 I am close to and see regularly (and similar for others in various combinations). The remaining four I am glad to see at a mutual event for example a wedding but wouldn't make the effort for - likewise, three would not make the effort for me. All fine. No one offended. However one will make huge efforts and it feels really uncomfortable. Its out of proportion with how I perceive our friendship (we rarely speak) and also I know shes "banking" her effort for future return and will be offended if i dont reciprocate, I do not think she is deliberately manipulative but it does feel a bit like that. I dont want to fall out so we muddle through but its a bit uncomfortable, with me feeling awkward and manipulated and she probably feels hurt. Just a perspective for you to consider, I dont know if this rings true for you or not.

They sound awful!
Hand on heart I am not great at remembering friends birthdays, but if there was something in the diary to celebrate it and if they had made an effort for mine, I would definitely do it for them as I would be aware that’s what they like. i think you’re absolutely justified to feel upset and not want such a close relationship going forward.

@Anoymous12344 some people are simply ‘entitled’. It wouldn’t cross their mind that you went above and beyond for them. They’ll minimise it and see it as ‘that’s what friends do’. However, it’s not reciprocal. They’ll not put you above other things in their life. That’s the part that hurts along with the dismissal of your effort, kindness and generosity to them.

It took 20 years to realise they don’t deserve you, but you do know now, so stay friends with the ‘one’ that made the effort for you. Go low-contact with the others. They’ll not change.

Thanks everyone. I am just going to let it go now and stay in the group chat and be polite but distance myself from everyone apart from the one lady I am close with and joined in the celebrations.
I genuinely didn’t expect everyone to come with it being a busy 40th year and I didn’t celebrate with them and send cards/gifts in the hope of something in return but I do think it’s just common courtesy to at least reply if you can’t make a special occasion.

Op glad you have decided on fading away it does hurt especially a big birthday. It’s like your so unimportant that they don’t even send a card or reply to your messages let these ones go you will get used to it and keep the close one as she’s a real friend.

Girl imo these friendships have ended already x

They have been arseholes. Poor you that must hurt. Let them be arseholes and only spend time with ppl that make you happy from now on xx

They sound awful. I just wouldn’t give them my time tbh

The one who didn’t reply to your text has already taken a step back from the friendship by not replying. The one who cancelled last min, well it depends on if the reason was genuine or not