To be so stressed that my kids are horrible?

[doyoueverthink]

I really am worried shout this and I don’t know … feels like I’m doing the right things on paper but then they don’t work.

ds(5) very worried he is the problem chile at school. Lots of time outs, lots of fall outs either another child (but won’t leave one another alone.)

Very unpleasant behaviour with me lately, lots of ‘ I will smash your face in’ and things which are quite shocking. In public I find him so embarrassing - horrible I know but he’ll be incredibly silly then get hurt or told off and responds with this awful fake cry - like ‘WAAAAHH.’ Then the more you try to speak the more he does it!

Dd is 3 next month and just has this horrible habit of wanting whatever ds has and it doesn’t matter what it is, even if she has an identical item, she will try to take it off him and scream and scream. I have been firm about this but it just doesn’t seem to be sinking in and it really affects us. Example; earlier ds got a medal for a sports activity and she was just trying to grab it off him and screaming her head off ‘mine MINE.’ It ruined DS’s moment and must have been horrible for the coaches.

I wish I didn’t feel so negative about them but they do embarrass me and I feel others must think they are not very nice children. I know this sounds awful and I’m being very honest here. It is my most secret fear really.

Apologies x

I’d be wanting to know where a 5 year old had learnt to say “I’m going to smash your face in” that’s hideous!
he’s either hearing it from family or watching stuff that isn’t suitable or copy another child/children at school and his sister will copy him

but you need to identify what is causing this and triggering it and where he’s heard that from. Have the teachers mentioned potential adhd or anything else to you?

Do the kids have many friends/play dates? I have to admit I wouldn’t have wanted my then 5 year old socialising with a child who said that and you said you feel others might think they “aren’t very nice children” which might be the case but work with the teachers/GP and family and try to get this sorted. A life with no friends is very lonely x

The kids who are unpleasant in my DD’s class have had poorer parenting. If you’re not lifting your daughter up and carrying her away surf board style when she’s being unpleasant in public then you’re not parenting properly. You’ve had some good advice on here so far, take it.

This is the same in my experience and I have to say over the years we’ve been selective about who the kids play with if the parents are rough or sweary and don’t teach their kids right from the wrong we’ve tended to encourage other friendships away from rough kids.

Well, I certainly don’t habitually threaten to smash peoples faces in; neither does anyone at home and TV is quite limited and tends to be number blocks or Spidey or sometimes a film like Toy Story … trying to think if there’s anything in that but I don’t think so. He has watched despicable me which I have to admit I haven’t. Is there anything untoward on that? I didn’t think there would be but maybe there is. He genuinely doesn’t watch much tv, he’s just not that into it.

As far as I know i am the only one hes ‘threatened’ like that. I assumed it was something he’d heard at school and was trying to use language to shock.

No one has mentioned adhd. I have wondered - it’s very hard to know what’s normal at five and what isn’t, he doesn’t seem to be ticking any major boxes but he does have a tendency to be really silly and to show off.

Re dd, I did carry her away but I couldn’t leave altogether because ds was there and she continued screaming, which I couldn’t really stop (believe me if I could have …) But it isn’t that one occasion I’m really posting about. I genuinely am at a loss as to how to parent her better, how to stop her screaming and demanding everything ds breathes near. Because I’ve tried being calm and consistent and ‘you want that, I know. But it’s DS’s.’ And it just doesn’t work

Give it a go and see how you get on. My son is the same, even today he was asking me all day if he could have a star (it’s the last one to complete it before getting a treat). But I said he doesn’t get them if he asks, it’s up to me and my husband to decide when he gets them.

We change the treats up as well. If money allows I have found the best thing is to go and buy a few small bits and pieces and put them in a bag, so when they fill their jar they can choose from the bag. It avoids the awkward ‘I want a £50 Lego set’ when you are already in the shop and then a tantrum when the answer is no and also stops the constant asking as they don’t know what they are getting. We also have a lucky dip jar where I wrote down lots of different things like go to the play park, get a ice cream, movie night with mummy and daddy (no baby brother allowed), that kind of thing. He sometimes gets a treat from the bag, sometimes a lucky dip and sometimes we will go to the shop.

You would probably have to do the movie night in secret though so your youngest doesn’t find out. Which actually might make it really fun for your son to sneak out of his room when his sister is asleep to watch a movie with you. You could even do one every Friday night or something to help build up your bond even more.

Something else I just thought of as well which another mum at school told me about (and is genius) was when the kids behave badly you say to them ‘you are such a kind/polite/patient boy/girl, X doesn’t sound like something you would say/do . Why have you said/done that? Do you think that is something a kind boy like you would be saying?’ I have found this works really well personally. It used to upset me a lot that I always felt like I was telling my son how naughty he was, so after trying it this way, you are instilling in them that they are a kind/good kid and it makes them think about their actions. They are like ‘yeah I am a kind kid, why would I say that to my mummy’. Your daughter might be a bit too young to understand that concept but the 5 year old will.

I also set my son challenges to complete at school every day. One day I will ask him to do something kind for another child, another I will ask him to help another child in some way, another I will ask him to speak to someone who looks lonely. He is so excited to tell me about the kind things he has done after school every day and it’s really helping to change his behaviour in a positive way.

I know you’re posting here about your fears, and that’s fair enough, but it’s also important not to automatically process your dc’s behaviour (good and bad) through a lens of how it affects you. It’s not about you - it’s about them.

Nearly all dc behave atrociously at some point, in some way. It’s luck not good parenting if they don’t. Good parenting lies in dealing with it when they do.

If you’re focused on how embarrassed you feel, it can cause you to freeze up instead of dealing with it - surfboard style as others have mentioned!

And if you deal with it in the moment, you tend not to carry the negative feelings onwards. That can be contributing to a negative spiral too, for you and them.

you are such a kind/polite/patient boy/girl, X doesn’t sound like something you would say/do . Why have you said/done that? Do you think that is something a kind boy like you would be saying?’ I have found this works really well personally

That whole post was very helpful, thank you. But I selected this as I feel I’ve been so negative and horrible today and I’m upset with myself. I don’t want to be this awful shouty mum who is constantly telling them off but I can’t ignore certain behaviour or words. So thank you.

@Haffway thanks … I do feel so stressed when they kick off in public, it isn’t so bad with dd as she’s only really usually awful with her brother and on the odd occasion she isn’t she’s young enough to get away with it. But with ds I don’t know; I just worry a lot about judgement and how we are perceived.

You are welcome. I feel like we may be parenting a very similar 5 year old boy, I’m just a few months ahead of you. It really does make you feel awful doesn’t it? because you know they are good children but you don’t know how to make them understand without telling them off. It was like a revelation to me when that other mum said it and it really did start to work after about 3 times of using it.

re the ADHD comments, I had one teacher say she thought there could be something there, another told me he is a 5 year old boy. Apparently (according to the teacher who has 20+ years experience) at this age a lot of ‘symptoms’ of ADHD are also completely developmentally appropriate for a 5 year old boy. They won’t even start to look at it until Year 2 in my school because most of the time they settle down, so don’t worry about that just yet.

Also Despicable Me has some questionable phrases in it. I had never watched it either but my son loves it, caught a couple of things when I passed the TV the other week and i then realised where he had got it from. It’s banned now lol. Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t anything horrendous but as we are working on talking to people respectfully, I would rather not have it being listened too.

Thanks, I will pull the plug on that one then! He just likes minions I think and assumed it was harmless but it goes to show that you have to check.

Re adhd I don’t know. My instinct says no, but he is easily influenced by those around him and I’ve noticed that he is drawn to the wild boys, the ones who very probably do have adhd or other difficulties and he seeks to impress them. He isn’t like this around different children, he can be very calm and focused and kind; he’s surprisingly gentle with animals and much younger children.

I guess I just feel others disapproval so much even though they probably don’t even care.

The Dad being around IS important to your issue.

Mine is the same. He loves the wild boys 😅. Mine went through a random phase of kicking my legs…found out eventually that he was watching the older boys play football at lunch time and they obviously tackle each other. He just presumed they were going around kicking each other as part of a game when that wasn’t what they were doing. Have you tried speaking to the school about it? My son has a little boy in his class who is SEN and he is very foul mouthed. He loves playing with my son and my son loves playing with him which is lovely, but I did have to speak to the school about his language because I wasn’t happy what my son was repeating (not much offends me, but I was shocked as I don’t even use the phrases he was coming out with). They may be able to keep an eye out at lunch and just see if he is playing with anyone that may not be helping the situation. At least you could then explain to him that just because X does this, doesn’t mean you have to. Easier to explain when you have a actual name to use.

Dont worry about what other people think, focus on your children. We’ve all been there with kids. I think as long as people see you are trying to stop the behaviour they just carry on, I know I do. I only get annoyed when the kids run riot and the parents ignore it.

im quite sure you’re not a terrible parent (as per your response to me). It sounds like a difficulty situation and it’s easy to get into a spiral of negativity. Some great suggestions from posters though. Something that was recommended to me when mine were little was to play board games. Although yours are too young for scrabble, things like Hungry Hippos would be accessible. Apparently they’re a great way to teach cooperation and social skills, etc, and just spending 20 min of family time together.

This is a great idea but I would not take things away. I would try and ignore some of the bad behaviour but reward and praise the behaviours you want. If the misbehaving badly sees the other one getting rewarded they will soon learn.