AIBU to avoid a colleague like this?

[avoidavoidavoid]

Changed my name for this in case it's in any way outing. So recently I've started a new job, I'm really enjoying it and the people seem lovely, but on my first day I was introduced to one of my new colleagues- who turned out to be someone I already knew and had worked together in a different organisation. To cut a long story short, he'd befriended me when I joined, then ramped it up to flirting (end stage of which saw him escalate to sending me explicit photos of himself)- I then found out on a work night out that not only did he have a fiancé, but he'd also been trying it on with half the office. We both left for different jobs in different organisations not long after that.

Fast forwarded to present day- when we were 'introduced' the other day, we both said a flat 'hi' with no other pleasantries but neither of us admitted to knowing the other. But now I'm worried this is going to come back to bite me- it seems our work is quite interlinked, he was noted on my job handover as someone to have a meeting with (I reached out via email and said feel free to send me what I need to know via email instead- which he did). I'd say I've been 'coldly professional'. Lots of people keep asking me if I've met/spoken to him and I just say no.

Please help me out with some advice on how to handle this carefully- I appreciate he's probably worried I'll tell everyone what he did but the last thing I want is for that to get out. But I'm worried that someone's going to figure out we worked together at the same place, work in the same location and department now- yet apparebtly have never met and clearly avoid all contact. I'm also worried that I'm avoiding contact about work-related things because and I want to do my job well. How do I handle this?

I haven't explained very well in that original post but I still feel really embarrassed by what happened- everyone at the old workplace found out what happened. And I suppose I now I feel quite annoyed- I'm happy to leave it in the past and I feel like the decent thing for him to do would've been a quick message to break the ice and open the way for our future work communication. Instead now I feel like I have a gap in my network/knowledge and constantly treading on eggshells.

That sounds really tricky OP. I think the difference for me would be whether the previous behaviour/explicit photos were welcomed by you or not - did he harass you or was it mutual (until you found out about the fiance).

I think you've handled it well so far...coldly professional is likely the best way to go. I think I'd just keep my head down and avoid one:one for as long as possible. (And try to either do it online or in a public area).

I think I’d hold a meeting with him to get the info you need - it sounds like people think you should meet him anyway (so perhaps he is somewhat important to your role?) then if he says anything in the meeting about knowing you previously old say something like “well I didnt really like the way you behaved but I am not a gossip and I will keep it professional here, provided you do”. You are telling him that you haven’t and won’t say anything - provided he keeps his side of the deal.

I would never be alone with him. I'd keep everything formal and make sure there's always a paper trail. Be very cool and formal towards him, as you're doing.

Do you think he will tell people about the previous incident?

But isn't It his problem? He sent explicit photos to you while he was engaged to another person.

why is it your problem that this "gets out"?

and why did you feel you had to lie when asked if you'd previously met him?

what do you have to handle? From what you say you've done nothing that can be held against you.

sorry for all the questions, I'm just struggling I understand why you feel you have to cover for this man's misbehaviour.

I agree with the user above. He's the one with more to lose here. Just keep things absolutely professional, and don't speak to him more than you have to. Also, work like stink, get promoted, become his boss and make him SWEAT.

Sounds like the problem and any embarrassment is all his issue, as others have said you shouldn't need to be embarrassed just keep it distant but professional and let him stew.

Just to answer some questions, I had welcomed the flirting initially but not when it turned to dick pics. I wasnt expecting at all as he'd painted himself as this really shy, socially awkward guy, so from that point until it all came out, I just shut down our communication. But because I did invite his flirting at the start and did flirt back, I always felt like that was on me- I was newly single after a really long relationship and just figured I was very naive to how things were.

I know it does sound ridiculous that I'm worried about this, as PP said he did this and really its his problem. But I feel like I'm avoiding contact with him on work related issues in case he thinks I'm actually trying to find an 'in' to speak with him. I'm also worried that someone like my new manager might put 2 and 2 together and then I'll look dishonest.

This man hides in plain site, makes himself harmless. Everyone says he's so lovely and helpful. I don't think hell say anything, to anyone or to me, he's too mucb of a coward. But instead I worry that if he feels threatened or intimidated by my being there, he might twist the narrative and/or discredit me in some way, then of course everyone would believe him. He's been there 4 years, and I've been there 5 minutes.

If you think he might go rogue and start to bad mouth you, might you consider telling your LM what happened, off the record?

I have thought about doing this, but my line manager has a really good working relationship with him as he managed him for 3 years.

Personally, I’d drop him an IM and organise that catch up. As part of the catch up I’d acknowledge your “history” and emphasise you want it to stay in the past, and will be professional, and don’t want there to be any awkwardness between you as you have to work together. I think that’s the best thing you can do. I also think you are over-stressing it slightly and making it a bigger deal than it would be to everyone else - not a criticism, just trying to help you gain some perspective. Best of luck! x

I really don’t think this is a good idea, as the OP could be thought of as a “trouble maker” - starting a new job and bringing up old embarrassing incidents about a fellow colleague. I don’t think it would go down well.

Yeah I'd be cautious about telling anyone until you know your way around a bit and who to trust.

If you're feeling brave enough to face him, @Sausagedog101 has good suggestions.

You've done nothing wrong op - you didnt know he had a fiance and he's basically sexually harassed you by sending you dic pics without permission. Tbh this is almost hr territory - you should not have to put up with this in the workplace (even if it was at the last) therefore making it clear to him as suggested (and that you won't tolerate any more explicit images) might be a good call and probably what hr would suggest in the first instance.

What a fucking lowlife arse he is. Hope he gets his comeuppance.

Thank you everyone for your advice, I probably am overthinking it, I was prepared to just swerve him as much as possible but I've realised our work is quite involved. This afternoon I had an introductory meeting with this major big cheese director, and was asked to bring some updates to a senior meeting tomorrow- updates on a project he runs. I just feel like I'm treading on eggshells the whole time.

If I was feeling brave I'd take your suggestion @Sausagedog101 and set a meeting with him, but tbh I think he'd worm his way out. So I'll be left tapping up other colleagues to try and find the info he is responsible for. This job is such a great opportunity for me and this is putting a right cloud over it.

Oh and to make it even more ridiculous- we both work in HR. These men really do hide everywhere

Document everything, so if he doesn’t respond, and tries to make you look unprofessional, you have evidence to raise it via your LM.
If he won’t engage with you , that’s a management issue to deal with.
You also hold the power here, not him, he’s the perpetrator

Ffs OP no wonder you're stressed by this if you're both in hr! Agree with pp, do everything by email so you have a log. You have the higher ground here. This is your chance to rise above.

Fwiw I think you should keep your eye on the jobs market and make applications too, as a back up plan. I'm really hoping you can forge some alliances that you can open up to about this in time. These men rarely change, I expect there's likely some others in your new work place who know what he's like.

Really I want to encourage you to call it to his manager, but you need to have options in case it backfires. He needs to not be working with people 🤬