To think it’s odd advice to tell someone not to marry or to lie because they’re estranged from family?

[WaryCyanHelper]

I’m newly engaged and I’ve been estranged from my family for nearly 7 years. I’m in my early 30s.

A friend has given me advice that has really unsettled me. She essentially said I shouldn’t marry my fiancé or at least should lie, because I’m estranged. Her view was that my estrangement “matters to your in-laws and to your husband as well.”

She said “you have to remember that the man you marry on day one may be a different man in a few years. You don’t want him thinking you don’t have allies.” She also said “I would totally lie and act like I had a good, solid relationship with at least one family member.”
And “it does paint a strike against you that you aren’t cool with none of them.” She finished by saying “the last thing I’d want is to marry a man who feels like he’s the ONLY person in my corner. That’s too much trust to put into one person.”

I understand the general point about not relying on one person for your entire support system. But I found the suggestion that I should lie about family ties and that estrangement automatically counts as a “strike against” me deeply unsettling.

AIBU to think that says more about her fears than about me? And would it be unreasonable to not want her at the wedding after these comments?

I've read almost this exact opening post before, but it was about online dating.

And the solid relationship with at least one family member, was advised to be a made up uncle?

I would assume that if you're marrying him, he would know you're estranged. If he doesn't know major stuff like that, you shouldn't be marrying.

It doesn't mean you have no one on your side, though. There are friends, too. She is right in that everyone needs a wider support network than just their spouse.

But if you’re engaged to this guy, presumably he knows exactly what your relationship with your family is like, in part because he’s never met them…? I mean, is she suggesting a Time Machine where you go back to your first date and spend the entire time telling him how tight you are with mum and dad and your twin brothers and Big Uncle Bob and all your grandparents, and how once, when you were bullied at school, Big Uncle Bob took out a hit on the bully?

Not me. I’m only sharing what was genuinely said to me and it’s the suggestion that I should essentially fabricate family closeness that I found deeply unsettling.

Shared DNA is not the be all and end all; my late DM went NC with her father, and in effect built a support team from her friendship group (and her DH's family). As a young child, it took me ages to work out which of my cousins were, strictly speaking, true cousins.
As for the wedding; it might reassure her to see how many people are cheering you on regardless of genetics!

I was all set to disagree but actually, I think I understand the point. The world is a fucked up place. Advertising your vulnerability invites abuse. But as PPs have said, presumably your DP already knows you’re estranged. So how would that work? A conundrum for sure.

This

Exactly. My fiancé already knows my reality, I’m hardly going to suddenly introduce “Big Uncle Bob” into the story.

How long have you been engaged then?

Surely her 'advice' is a bit late assuming the man you're going to marry actually knows you?

So what did she say when you pointed out that she's way too late with this 'advice' because you're already a couple and have been for (presumably) quite some time?

It makes zero sense.

He knows my situation fully, so yes, literally lying now would make no sense. What she really meant was that, in her view, being estranged makes me look like I have no allies / no fallback and that’s what she thinks is dangerous.

Surely everyone’s already aware of it so it would just be weird to lie. Also assuming you have friends so you have other people for support anyway. One of my siblings recently married and I was the only person from our family there and the only one still in contact. From what I know no one from their wife’s family has mentioned it or are concerned about.

Yes this was made clear on the other thread that was almost identical.

But it made much more sense as it was about online dating.