To have a 3rd child, when one has ASD?

[13MAPARTHELL]

Ive been having the urge to have another child lately
we have a 5 and 4 year old, my eldest has ASD and can be really challenging, and sadly my youngest experiences constant switching of behaviour thats not nice.

We do alot of family things, i think it would help our dynamic as a family (i think)

but of course, risk that they will be ASD

If you feel you could manage another kid knowing they too may have asd - crack on - your life - your family - totally your business

Tbh no. You sounds like you have a lot on your hands with two already.

It's really not fair on the potential middle child IMO.

Children with ASD, they're needs get harder to manage as they get older, your youngest also could be high masking and end up needing lots more support as they get older and more unable to cope.

I feel it would be adding more complications to your and your childrens life.

Also remember that if you have a third they could very well be profoundly autistic, more difficult than you can imagine, would that be fair?

I wouldn't. Sounds like you have it tough anyway.

this, can you handle a 2nd autistic child that may have extra needs? I have 2 , eldest pda... its a hard life.

You would be mad to. Isn’t your life hard enough. Your oldest I’m sure takes up a lot of your time, your second has to adjust their life a lot and you think adding another child who could possibly turn out to have the same condition is the smartest thing to do?
incredibly selfish. I know a family who has 3 and the first two have serious SN. Absolutely selfish of them to have had a 3rd who is basically just a lost child in the family because everything is adapted for the older 2.

If you have a third child and they have very high needs asd that is unlikely to fit nearly into your family dynamic. That's what stops me. I already have a higher needs child and a neurotypical child. At 4 and 8 they adore each other but also their needs conflict. Another child won't stay a baby they'll grow into their own person whose needs will also conflict and what if my current most high needs child was no longer the highest needs? Fo us there just isn't a way it could work out that no one would be disadvantaged. I'm so lucky to have the kids I have and I'd love to have more but I'm dreaming to think I have the physical. Mental and emotional capacity for it on reality

I have two DS my eldest is Autistic.
I desperately wanted 3 but we decided the risk was too high of us having a child with seriously complex needs and it wouldn’t have been fair on my youngest.
we got a dog instead, she is my best behaved child 😂

I gave two children, DS1 is autistic and has always been hard work. I wanted 3 but stopped at 2 because it wouldn't be fair on my existing boys with one needing so much support. And I was/am a sahm.

I agree!

We have a 7 year old with PDA and a 5 year old who is possibly now showing traits of high-masking ASD (DD, presents very differently to DS but still hard to know whether some of her quirks are ‘learned’). They are great kids but unless you’ve been through it, it’s impossible to comprehend how all-consuming it is.

Things didn’t really start to get tough until after DS was out of reception @13MAPARTHELL so I would definitely wait to see how year1/2 play out before you consider it. EHCPs, being called into school constantly, not being able to ‘just hire a babysitter’ or book a holiday club… it’s a full time job (on top of my actual full time job and with an incredibly flexible self-employed and fully involved DH).

my son also has PDA and your right, i really needed these comments 😂

apparently this is a thing of parents with autistic children and its to do with the brain seeking regulation levelling or something! I could never take the risk quite honestly, and im considering STOPping working to support my ASD child & he needs me the most

Sorry to hijack slightly but what were the signs of PDA in your son once he left reception if you don’t mind me asking? We’re currently experiencing a tough time with our 5 year old and PDA is on our radar

I have three, all autistic plus one ADHD too. It gets so much harder as they get older, I can’t stress how much

I have had to give up my career, friends, my mental health

I wouldn't do this.
If your 5yo is already diagnosed it means that their needs are pretty high.
My youngest was only diagnosed at 12.

They get way much more challenging as they grow up.

Hi OP here

i can also answer this as have a 5 year old PDAer

hes very angry, his is surrounding autonomy, the slightest loss or threat of loss will send him next level. This could be someone speaking first, not being able to control a situation, someone not moving where he wants them to, bartering, arguing, not seeing authority.

Ah im so sorry, im also considering giving up my career its not a nice feeling

I have 4 children, all autistic. as they get older it gets harder. Im a single parent. their dad doesnt help as he finds it too hard. I didn't plan on being a single parent / you never know what's in the future.

We We’re pretty sure he had PDA in reception but because the ‘academic’ work was very minimal and he could just hang out in the art corner all day there weren’t a great deal of ‘incidents’. When the teaching became more formal and there was more sitting at desks he became very dysregulated, disruptive and often physically lashed out. He’s super, super bright but didn’t do anything that meant he had to write down an answer because the anxiety around making mistakes was so high.

He now has a full time 1-2-1 and a fully bespoke curriculum with much less demand for formal learning. Fuck knows if he’s making any academic progress but he’s 100 x happier. His TA is a saint.

Agreed!

thoughts have definitely now passed 😂

We had a third before we found out that DD2 was high masking ASD. It's hard. But I wouldn't change it

Noo, I have an autistic dd and its got more difficult as she has got older - when they are small the gap between them and their peers is less, they are more physically manageable and the expectation of age appropriate behaviour is lower. If its hard now, it can get harder.