AIBU to consider cutting contact with my mum after years of hurt?

[graygoose]

Hi all. Long story but I’ll try my best. I love my mum but she is extremely challenging. Having my own DD has made me realise how abusive she has been in many ways. It’s a complex story because she had also been great and supportive in many ways, but my entire life I haven’t felt emotionally safe with her. She flies off the handle easily, cries, screams, yells and flat out denies my feelings and even my memories of past events. She refuses to take accountability. My brother cut her off 2 years ago and it has just been me and my dad dealing with her.

She has lived in my house for 2 years while she has been recovering from cancer and problems with my dad. And I have been supportive through that. But she has been through so much of her own trauma and victim hood her entire life and gone through so much therapy for herself she fails to take accountability for how she has dumped that trauma on me for 38 years.

it came to a head yesterday. She felt I was being passive aggressive and maybe I was, I am tired of her. She then told me I deserved all the treatment I got from ex DH. For context, I divorced ex when DD was 10 weeks old because he had an alcoholic addiction problem he refused to seek treatment for and throughout my pregnancy and post partum he went out clubbing until 7am constantly and cheated on me with sex workers.

My mother said I deserved this. I hadn’t told her about the sex workers and when I did she was upset that I hand told her sooner. But how can I possibly feel emotionally safe with this woman when she says things like that to me? Sex workers or not, I am reeling at what she said.

This feels like a culmination of 38 years of the same drama and treatment. And I am seriously considering cutting contact. I want to stress that she isn’t all bad, she was very supportive through my post partum depression and she and my dad basically had full time care of my daughter until I recovered. But abusive relationships are rarely all bad, that’s what keeps us coming back for more.

She thinks that because she is my mother I owe her my love, respect and energy. And whilst I do love her I don’t think I can continue the relationship. This is so painful and I felt an enormous amount of guilt. I just wondered if anyone else had been through anything similar and whether I’m being too rash.

Beware of asking strangers on the internet whether you should go NC with a family member because they are very quick to recommend that you do. It’s no cost to them.

This certainly sounds like a painful situation. Are you still living together? If so then that’s a huge strain and probably a key part of the problem.

No you're not being rash. Or unreasonable. Whatever she's gone through in the past doesn't give her the right to treat you - or anyone else - that way. You've tried, you've supported her despite the way she treats you. The comments about your ex are unforgivable.

You deserve to have some peace in your life. You deserve not to be treated badly. You deserve not to be abused.

She gave birth to you but that doesn't give her the right to demand your love and attention. That's something she doesn't deserve.

You say you love her. You are more forgiving than I would be. But you need to protect yourself. Cutting contact would do that and is reasonable.

Going NC won’t make you happy. Life maybe filled with less drama and dysfunction on a day-to-day basis by being NC but you will be forever questioning yourself as to whether you did the right thing or not. Your head will constantly be switching between Running through all the awful scenarios as to what got you to NC and Guilt for walking away from the good bits there were and maybe you’ve made a mistake. NC sounds better than it is. It’s a mind f**k no matter how much they deserve you walking away.

For your own sanity, keep the communication door open. However, I suggest you keep communication to a minimum, as anything you tell her she throws back at you when trying to hurt you. You know this. So don’t tell her anything personal about your life. If she tells you things, keep your answers vague ‘that’s nice or that’s sad to hear’ and move on. Keep it civil, polite and on a surface level only. Let go of trauma dumping she’s done and start a new communication style that you are in charge of.

YANBU - sometimes you have to protect your own peace and look after the family you have created. Especially if she is living with you, do you want your own DC growing up in the same environment you did. I would suggest your mum seeks treatment for her behaviour as possible underlying issues and then and only then would I consider a relationship with her but it would be gradual and at a distance especially at first to protect my own family unit.

I went NC with my mum over 2 years ago. She is narcissistic and emotionally unstable. No regrets at all. I will always love her and still brag about some happy childhood memories with her. I miss her sometimes but this is best for me and my family. She is incredibly toxic and I have to consider how this impacts my life today and my children.

I would get her to move out first before you even consider NC. Ask her to leave and drop down to low contact, be careful asking about NC to strangers remember they only know a tiny bit of your story not the entire thing and will always say NC.
I was told to go nc with my mother on here - worse thing I did, lasted a month but my mother did change her ways and we have a much nicer relationship now.

I think step one is to get her out of your house - then you're not dealing with her all the time and if she's being obnoxious you can say goodbye and go home. Then see how you feel. What's her plan? She's getting back with your dad? Or she's not - in which case she needs her own home? Time to get it sorted - or this will segue into you being her carer as she ages, and it'll be the same dynamic (only worse) until she dies.

Doesn't actually sound like it was the worst thing you did!

Sounds like some change needed. Maybe best to work towards getting her into her own place and then setting boundaries like seeing her once per week. Depending on how that goes, can take it from there.

I've not spoken to my parents in 14 months. I'd asked for some help in January 2025 because I was at breaking point, and was told "that's not the answer" and "it shouldn't come to that", I was upset but I know I'm not entitled to anyone's time, so carried on as I was. In February, I tried to explain to my mum that when I'd said I was at breaking point, I was actually going to sleep every night hoping I'd die in my sleep so that I didn't have to get up and do it all again. Her response was that if I'm struggling so much, send the kids back to their father. Their father being someone she knows was abusive to me and emotionally manipulative to the children, who couldn't be trusted to keep the children safe. That absolutely broke me. I also realised that although she'd been supportive in other ways over the years, this reaction to any emotional struggle was how she'd always been.
Not having them in my life has been hard and a massive mind-fuck, but for me is honestly better than being made to feel like I'm the problem.
Only you know the depth of the issues in your relationship, so only you can decide whether it's:
A) life is too short to hold a grudge
or
B) life is too short to throw emotional energy at something if it's soul destroying

Sending love, it's a shit situation to be in ❤️

I agree with this it doesn't have to be all or nothing

I’m NC with my mum. It’s isn’t an easy process emotionally, though I feel I made the right choice. I would try low contact and see how you get on. Maybe speak to your brother about it. I met up with mine to find he had also gone NC a few years after me and our conversation was exactly what I needed.

I am NC with my sister and dad and it is very very hard. I wish I wasn't but they were unnecessarily cruel to me for no reason and it was a cycle that never ended. There's probably a happy medium though. I would suggest low contact at first. Your mum should move out of your home and, with some distance, you can re-evaluate how you feel. Being NC is not an easy choice and it still hurts, just in a different way. Good luck.

Your story is almost the same as mine, word for word. I never managed to break contact with my mum because I felt guilty, and she employed emotional manipulation to a massive degree and would lie to her friends about me and how I neglected her and get them to contact me to pile on the emotional pressure. I really feel for you - it’s the worst thing in the world to feel like this about the one person who is supposed to love you unconditionally. My brother did nothing to help in her later years (or ever) but she idolised him.

I think, as PPs have said, that you need to get her out of your home. Go minimal contact rather than NC - the guilt will eat you up otherwise. I have no magic bullets to offer, just empathy. I truly hope you can find a way to navigate this - don’t underestimate how hard this whole scenario is. My mum died 10 years ago and I still can’t get her or her frequently awful, unkind behaviour out of my head.

It’s taken 58 years but this year is the year I’ve more or less gone nc with my narc of a mum. I love her but I don’t like her. I can’t honestly think of the last time we had a conversation where she actually spoke about anything other than herself. Or asked how I am. Incidently, my adult daughter thinks I should have cut contact years ago.

I do try to maintain phone contact with my dad. I have tried to help them and I don’t think I’m a horrible daughter. But it was actually making me depressed and ill. I was under enormous pressure at work, my husband was ill and something snapped.

I thought about the last few comments she made to me.

• You look fat and scruffy.
• I don’t like your jumper( A Christmas present off my daughter)
• You’ve worked very hard all of your life with little to show for it.
• ’She’s only here for the house and money.’ )This said about me to a nurse in hospital when visiting her.

My dad thinks I should pretend the abuse doesn’t happen because he enables her and is also her victim. I feel terrible guilt and it’s hard as they are very elderly. It feels selfish but I had counselling and realised I had to draw the line. She uses her money as a weapon and I’m not interested. I’d just like a normal mum.

Like you acknowledged it’s not all black and white. I have some lovely memories too.

In your situation I’d probably go for very low contact. Only you can decide. It’s the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

OP can you get some counselling? Can you ask your mum to move out, which may save your relationship but I am not sure it is worth saving. Only you can decide that.

Get some help to decide your next steps.

Good luck.

She needs her own place. You need to save yourself.

I'm usually in a minority in believing you shouldn't absolutely cut off relatives, especially parents.

However, you don't have to maintain an ongoing relationship, and although you may owe her some level of courtesy and tolerance, you don't necessarily have to go beyond that.

Instead of cutting her off, you could just decline to see her, unless maybe it's at her home where you can leave quickly if things go south. You could stop telephoning and cut her calls short. You could say honestly, "I'm sorry, but after all the hurtful things you said last time, I'm not in the mood to chat." And you have to be willing to hang up the phone and not let her draw you into further argument.

Meanwhile, though, you could keep sending a birthday card, letting her know any crucial news of yours, and keep open the tiny possibility that things might change. If you're on good terms with your father, you could stay in closer touch with him.

Good luck.

No advice but solidarity my mother has histrionic personality disorder as well as bipolar. She was dreadful to me as a child. I moved out at 17 then country. She is still exceptionally needy, pushes boundaries. Now my DF is seriously ill. She is in complete denial, I will put up with her with firm boundaries as I am going to visit him, but after DF passes I can't see myself having much or anything to do with her. She just cannot help herself, her psychiatrist told me that if she was to develop insight, she has zero, she would likely become suicidal. To remain very factual non emotional when dealing with her, try not to exclude her, but she cannot be the centre of things. So basically I would have boundaries, it is hard especially at first or go NC. If she is anything like my mother always feeble, attention seeking, selfish. has no remorse or insight eg I unwittingly trafficked drugs for her as a 16 Yr old. It is dangerous to confront her as you will completely destabilise her. It is hard she is your mother but you have to put your own family first.

And yes she needs to move out asap

I hugely disagree.
I'm presuming it's different for everyone. But non contact for me has only ever brought positive things. I have never ever for one fleeting moment regretted it or questioned it

I went non contact with one parent for 30 years. They recently died and along with all the emotions I did not feel ANY REGRET about that part of things.

Move her into her own place, and go low contact, would be my advice. See if that works.

Net advice around LTB and go NC is easy advice to give - because it’s not those advising that would have to do it.

First of all get her out of your home.
Its tricky but before you go nc can you try low contact with boundaries? You will call or visit x times a month or take some shopping but explain that the sorts of comments she makes are hurtful and you would rather not discuss things like that.
My husband had a very emotionally abusive father who neither him or his sister challenged but going nc would affect his mum as his dad answered the phone etc
So I explained that I found his comments about my husband and children hurtful but they wanted to speak or visit his wife so we would still phone/visit but only whilst his wife was still around. So when we phoned we just asked for his wife, took presents for wife etc and grey rock him. He did manage to keep his nasty comments to himself after a while in our presence and things are better. Set a few boundaries before cutting all contact.

100% right about Mumsnet strangers quick to recommend cutting people off but it's not always a straight forward solution.

However, it does sound as if she needs leave your home. That way you can control contact and have a respectable distance before you decide what to do.