To feel so fucking furious with ex?

[Hasdebough]

Dd 3 lives with me. Ex is a doctor, I am v high up in a large company. When ex left, he took a job hours away. This meant he saw dd every week for a day or sometimes two. Never overnight as he would stay in a premier inn.

I had to negotiate with work and seek more flexibility. I do every nursery run. Every doctor appointment… you get the picture.

I have said to ex that this is not sustainable for me and he needs to pick up some slack in some way either practically or financially towards childcare so I can sort childcare a couple of nights a week so I can keep up with my work too as well as cook, clean, drive dd round, clear up mess, do bedtime, get up as needed in the night etc. His response… he has a busy job and he hasn’t eaten for most of today and finished work late last night so the pressure is the same if not worse for him.

I haven’t replied. Im so angry. I feel so put upon. It’s not even really about the money. It’s the fact he plainly doesn’t see what I’m trying to manage and along with it is so pompous that it’s only his job that seems to matter! I mean what does he think I’m doing all day!!!!

just needed to get it off my chest

After we divorced, my ex said that he was my boss and I worked for him because he paid a small amount of child support. That meant that I was responsible for the children and all their needs. Some men really do think like this. Seems you've got one like this too.

@Calendulaaria sorry to hear this (though I admit it’s nice to not feel so alone).

I honestly can’t believe what I’m reading sometimes. He truly seems to think my job is nothing compared to his and ignores the fact my week is absolutely packed from the moment I wake up to going to bed. He has never even been to DD’s nursery! Let alone engaged with any of it.

13 years since we divorced, he's never taken them to the dentist, once my son's ear became infected to the point that he needed hospital but he didn't take him (I took him as soon as I got him back), never bought clothes, never taken them to any music lessons etc etc....all the while having them 4 nights a fortnight. The financial and emotional abuse doesn't end with divorce. Keep your expectations with someone like this very low.

@Calendulaaria do your children recognise yet what you’ve done for them while he’s sat back? At the moment ex is very much the hero

@Hasdebough you mentioned practical or financial help for overnight childcare. What type of overnight childcare can you buy?

@ItsBestServedCold not overnight just a couple of hours in the evening

@Hasdebough As an idea. Could you give him the house for the weekend to look after his DD and you stay at the premier inn (he pays). This way you could get two full days to work in peace.

You’re very high-up in your company, so are on a good wage I assume. Try and organise a babysitter you feel comfortable with who can regularly look after your DD. Someone who will play with her whilst you work in another room.

My ex is the same. Utterly certain that I am the childcare slave because he pays me £700 per month child maintenance. No evenings, no overnights, able to cancel even the weekend afternoon meet ups with my son if there is something more "important" going on. He is a doctor, I also have an important job which I've had to sacrifice for many years now. I feel your rage and pain but there is nothing to be done with people like that

My daughter knows his character very well and understands how I have been the only support for her. My son is in his middle teens and buys his Dad's act (he is the favourite). I have had to just continue to be the supportive, practical parent and sometimes it gets to me! I will never regret putting the children first though.

I'm sorry you're going through it too. I'm getting better now that I have no contact with him at all, but the situation was starting to affect my physical health a few years ago. They really know how to drain the life out of you, even after divorce! You think things will be better when you're not together, but they still continue to abuse. I hope you have some other support for you and your children.

One day a week is quite standard. She is 3 so I assume age goes to bed quite early so you can then work.

Your anger is disproportionate and will do more damage than good. Your daughter will pick up on your negative feelings and conflict with her dad. It's not worth it.

Saying that, why can't he have her overnight when he stays for two days at the hotel? Hotels have rooms with cots or two beds. Also, why doesn't he sometimes take her back home with him? Doctors have holidays too.

I was a lone parent for many years, I got nada from ex so I really do get the pressure. Does he pay anything in CMS? I actually ended up with a live in nanny for ten years then used flexi boarding at private school for secondary. Financially it was hard yes but took all the pressure out the logistics for me. What arrangements can you afford and will he pay towards them?

If you’re both in good professions, surely you can afford some more child care between you to lesson ghe pressure, does he pay child support, as it seems you also want more money,

as primary carer, most will fall to you, yes, and as he is a doctor, this was always going to be notoriously difficult for parenting. I doubt he would be willing to give up his career, but also doubt how easy it is for him to do as you ask.

whats clear is you can’t do it all, so additional child care support is the answer.