Older mum/young family

[Hello1989]

Hi all I’ve posted on here in the past about my mum. I am an only child 36 expecting 2nd baby next month. My mum got divorced from my dad when I was 2 and spent 32 years being an alcoholic. She’s been sober for 3 years and adores my daughter. She isn’t a maternal person and has done awful things when she’s been drinking to me. However she is hugely anxious about health and over the years has very much used me as her therapist. I do see her every week as she is alone but we keep our relationship very surface level (my choice) as she feeds of anxiety. We are also very different people she does not value family and spent my entire upbringing slating my dad (who is amazing and going through cancer treatment) and putting all her issues on me. I am expecting 2nd next month and starting to get emails from my mum (which is a pattern when I gave birth to my 1st) about what will happen when she dies. The emails are basically her will with updated passwords information about finances funeral lists money etc. I’ve had 4 this year. I have told her to please just give me the lawyers details a number of times but she still sends me the emails every time she makes a change and brings me hard copies. I find it incredibly triggering probably as I don’t feel she looked after me during childhood nor does she now. I try to ignore the emails so I usually don’t respond but she’s just sent me another saying she’ll bring more hard copies. There’s nothing to trigger this it’s prob because she’s had a cold and doesn’t feel well…. Am I being mean by getting annoyed ?

Why are you allowing your alcoholic mother to use you as a sounding board and cause stress during your pregnancy, so SHE can get attention?

You have two children, your focus should be on them, not trying to maintain a relationship with a narcissist.

You have provided a lot of information that I can’t see the relevance of? Do they have a relevance that you’ll later clarify

Just reply to her oddness with ‘ yeah, whatever suits’ and don’t give it any more of your thinking time.

Could your father not have looked after you as a child?

@Hello1989 well first of all, I'm sorry you are having this stress.

However, you've given me a perspective I possibly hadn't appreciated.

My child is an only child, unlike you and your Mum, we have a very good relationship, to the point I share a home with child and their partner.

Like your Mum, I will, on occasion, talk about my death. I'm 75 and I'm not in the best of health. my death is inevitable, and I treat it as such. So I'll say things like "I hope you'll wear this watch when I die" or "I'll ask my sister if she'd like this ring when I die". My child always rolls their eyes and shuts the conversation down.

until I read your post, I had put down their reluctance to accept the inevitable. Maybe, like you, my adult child is stressed already and I'm adding to it.

so thanks for your perspective.