To end this friendship

[olivepicanto]

I've had a friend for about 25 years who I met at work, got
on well with and continued a close friendship

We've been through loads together but on reflection it's always been me organising and suggesting.

she has always seemed to enjoy what we do, but never instigates anything

we always exchange gifts at birthdays and Christmas and I always considered her a real friend.

She is a real workaholic and previously didn't do any hobbies but just recently rekindled a relationship with some old school friends. Good for her, as I have other friendships and activities, so I was pleased for her

we still see each other at work and I've noticed she's less friendly, never contacts me, and last time we met she cut me off mid conversation to go and speak to someone else. I think I was expecting her to come back over or even to message after and say sorry, she got caught up, but nothing.

Then a couple of weeks ago I lost someone close to me. She messaged to say she had heard he'd died. How sad. That was it. She didn't ask how I was, didn't offer to catch up for a coffee, nothing. Im
so, so hurt.

AIBU to realise she's just not interested anymore and to end this friendship. Her birthday is soon and I want to stop with the presents, but it just seems so final.

You’re thinking you were just a convenience rather than genuinely valued? If I were you I’d ask. I’d air my insecurity over lunch or à drink. See how she responds.

It sounds as if it would have drifted apart a long time ago without your effort. Some people move from one to another and others have various friends with different levels of closeness. You know it doesn't have to be all or nothing.

It's seen a lot on here but 'match her energy'. On her birthday send her a message (as she did to you) wishing her happy birthday and add something like hope you have nice day. Do NOT suggest meeting up or ask her what she is doing. It would pay to keep it civil especially if you work together.

It sounds as they she got there first OP.

It does and now I've written it down, it is clear.

I don't think you need to 'end the friendship'. Just stop making the plans and leave it in her court.

Don't get a birthday present - it's probably overdue that stopping anyway. But still say happy birthday or give a card if you want to.

I wouldn’t necessarily end it, just match what she’s does. Send her a text on her birthday, but no gift. Just stop suggesting meet ups and see what she does. There’s no need to end it with a bad taste unless you particularly want to have it out with her.

I’d just match her energy. It doesn’t sound like it warrants a conversation

You don’t need to end it. Let it naturally drift apart. It doesn’t need to end on a bitter note especially as you work together.

Yes match the energy. Keep it pleasant. I dialled back my efforts as was always one sided. If you work together no point falling out. Dont suggest meetups

Following as in a similar situation. Trying not to “have it out” with her as she can be very harsh!

I’d just send a message ‘ Happy Birthday , let me know if you’d like a catch up ‘ . Leave it at that and if she’s not in touch you know it’s over . I’m another who thinks if instigating events is only one way the other person isn’t that invested .

I wouldn't get her a birthday gift. I used to have friendships like this where I did all the running and I've realised that if they wanted to see me they would put some effort in too.

Sounds like it's limping along anyway, so don't get her a birthday present. Just send a birthday message, no suggestion to meet up. It's fine to let things fade, I think it's better than having a resentful argument over it.

It sounds like she's only able to focus on one thing and as silly as it sounds, maybe she's not aware of how much she's hurt you? Maybe ask if she wants to meet up for her birthday? If she brushes you off, you know where you stand and if you do meet up, you can clear the air? Trying to guess what someone is thinking or how they feel never really works but no way should you be trying to maintain a friendship that makes you feel bad.

Generally people take it turns to invite people round for meals or drinks that way the hosting doesn’t all fall to one person and if someone doesn’t get in touch for a long time but knows it’s their turn it’s up to them to reach out or not.
I think if it’s always you jumping in first, it might be a bit awkward for her as she might have wanted a friendship but less with less intensity especially if she has other things going on but you’re not giving her a chance to pace anything if you are constantly jumping in with another meet up she’s not ready for.
We have a lovely friend who pops in from time to time for a coffee and chat but he calls by most weeks and stays a few hours which is just a bit too much and so we never initiate anything because no sooner has he dropped by it seems he here again so instead of enjoying a nice catch up from time to time with a lovely guy we roll our eyes when we see his car pull up as he’s back again and we know he’s going to stay for hours.
I’d just give her back the reins and let her set the pace, if she’s a true friend she will get in touch if she doesn’t it was probably just a bit much.
I have friends I see regularly and friends I see rarely but it’s all mutual and by taking turns to reach out you know where you are and can both lead without pressure depending on life’s circumstances which changes.

I wouldn't fall out with her id just give her a wide berth. Dont buy her a present. It looks like the relationship has just come to an end. Dont cling onto something just because of past memories. Choose what's important in your life and its not her

Never make someone a priority, if they only make you an option.
To her, you’re just an option.
Let it go.

Thank you for all the comments

it has helped me
to write it down and I see
that the friendship has run its course.

I won't be having
it out but will match the energy by just being friendly when we see each other, but not doing anything more.

sad, but that's life I suppose.

I had a row with somewone i thought was a close friend after a significant death, alcohol was involved. It clicked that i was the back up friend during the arguement. It was fucking ugly.
Im sorry for your loss, its at times like these we learn who are friends are.
Move her a few steps away emotionally.
Some people cant handle death at all. They dont have the capacity to hold the emotions of others. Concentrate on safe relationships.
Do something just for yourself tonight.