...to think people can still be your friend even when they do shitty things?

[MasterBeth]

It's a Mumsnet cliché to say a friend "is not your friend" when they do anything untoward.

But friends can be imperfect, can say the wrong thing, can let you down.

They're still your friend.

AIBU to think friends can be your friends, even when they fuck up?

It depends on what wrong thing they have said and how they have let you down doesn't it?
There are somethings it is impossible to overlook and forgive.

Depends on what they've done and whether they are sorry for it.

I've recently had a friend lash out at me and then double down being really unpleasant. If she'd apologised for a heat of the moment thing it would be different.

As it is, it's the third time this has happened over a few years and I'm just done with it. It's frustrating that being understanding and forgiving seems to mean people think they can just treat you like shit.

I'd rather have no friends than keep on with friends who say or do "shitty" things. The whole point of friendship is that you choose them, usually on the basis of how they treat you. Why would you put up with friends who don't behave well towards you? I'm not that desperate tbh

I don't know. Friends should never be unkind to you.

A mistake in the heat of the moment like saying the wrong thing is forgiveable.

Excluding you or being nasty about you or to you isn't..

There’s not really a blanket yes or no answer to that is there? Context matters a lot.

I think most things are forgivable as a one off at least if the friend can acknowledge they fucked up and apologise.

We all make mistakes, which you'd want forgiveness for

Ie being snappy or being crap at meeting up

But for me, the line is actual cruelty. Like something that is just thoughtfully nasty , where i'm like no, they're not a friend

Hmm. My friends are always supportive and we don’t do shitty things which would hurt each other.

Although we are sometimes 15 minutes late to meet each other and I’ve heard some on here say that’s ‘shitty’ and enough to cut a friend off, so I guess ‘shitty things’ mean different things to different people.

If they do things untoward against you, then no, they’re not your true friend.

You should remain civil and polite, but not invested in the friendship.

I agree. I've never met anyone like that in real life though, only on MN. Thankfully the people I come across are rational adults who have realistic expectations and are able to communicate to over come disagreements.

I think interactions shape our comfort with someone. If you feel judged or disrespected by someone and in no way change how you interact with them, you're not being genuine to yourself. However, not every slight or disagreement needs a finite decision over friendship status. Also, there are things people do that don't directly affect us but we may make a judgement call on whether we want to be associated with someone who does that thing... For example, how they treat others. It's really weird how Mumsnet posters encourage ghosting of people or a message to end a friendship, whereas you can just continue being polite but less proactive about engaging, or you can explain how something has made you feel, give them an opportunity to share their feelings, and reach a conclusion together about how to move forward.

I think context is needed...
15 minutes late to meeting for coffee? Forgivable and still a friend
Slept with your husband? Unforgivable and not a friend

Friends should enhance your life, not make it worse. That's my bar.

I think everyone deserves a second chance. If they treat you badly after that, drop the friendship.