DD (17) ‘never invited to parties’ AIBU to worry a bit?

[queenceleste]

Frankly I am relieved in some ways because of the risks of unsupervised parties. There aren’t that many but she finds she’s not deemed a ‘core’ invitee despite having good friendship groups. A close friend didn’t invite her recently to a small joint ‘do’ as it was a shared one. This one was particularly painful I think.

I am trying to encourage her to think of the long term and friends she will make in the future. These friends do feel a bit like ‘fair weather’ ones. Popularity is a strange thing.

Any advice or useful experience to cheer her up gratefully received xxx

DD was the same, OP, through secondary & at least the first year of 6th form. The parties she did get invited to at school were spent crying in the bathroom & phoning/texting me!
She was diagnosed ASD at 17, which helped her come to terms with and start to understand her social anxieties. She’s now a super-cool 20-year-old with a great social life. Obviously everyone’s experience is slightly different but It does get better as you grow into yourself!

Following with interest.

DD2 is 17, very limited social life. I'm slightly worried as I'm the person she hangs out with the most. We have uni open days looming and I'm not sure if she could cope with the social side of uni life.

Thank you so much. I think there is much to navigate and they are under such different pressures aren’t they? My teens were completely different.

We are similar. DD11 has just found out she isn't invited to the birthday of the girl who regularly calls DD her best friend, and wrote her a long and apparently heartfelt note in his Christmas card saying how much she values her. DD was actually suprised as she would call this girl a good friend but not a best friend. They have been good friends for years, but DD has been dropped for a girl who started a term ago.

She seems quite philosophical about it though, and her take is that it's because her friends mum doesn't like her - it's a bit of the green eyed monster in their case - DD pips this friend to the post in every test, sports race, team selection and her 'friend's mum has been overheard making snarky comments about DD being a 'favourite'. DD feels she has to keep her own pride in her achievements to herself to avoid upsetting this friend, friend even asked DD to 'not run too fast' so she could 'win for once'. DD did, and then another girl won anyway so friend still wasn't happy.

I try to tell her that a true friend would be happy for her, and I think she is starting to get this and moving towards other friendships of her own accord, I'm proud of the maturity and self assurance she is showing.

As rough as these things can feel, and we hate to see them sad, it can sometimes be a positive lesson in evaluating the genuine from the less so, and holding faith in yourself.

Please just reassure her that she is a fantastic,fun and lovable person, its just that hasnt found 'her people' yet. My daughter found hers,the 2nd year of college and hasn't looked back. Xx

Thank you! It is good to hear these experiences. I think she will find deeper friendships later.

Gosh this was me so I completely get it! I found my ‘people’ at university and now I’m in my 40’s have a small but brilliant circle of friends. I didn’t look back once I left school. I think my mum used to worry about it too and I felt that which put the focus on it for me (she didn’t go on, I just picked up on it) and I did used to feel there was something wrong with me because of it (I was perfectly happy not going to the parties etc aside from this). If your daughter is otherwise happy then I wouldn’t worry. I don’t really know anyone who has remained friends with any/many people from school.

Does she want to go to parties? I've got one teen that would and one teen (who has autism) who couldn't imagine anything worse and prefers to socialise in other ways.

If she does want to, I'd encourage her to host a party.

@queenceleste

I have always encouraged my daughters to lead. Why doesnt she organised a meet up, a party, etc.

my eldest never did until she realised that one time she wadnt invited to something. She said she was fine, doesnt have to be invited to everything, etc. Which to me was code for i do care.

I told her, that people might get fed up of having to always be the ones organising. Cue we re now party central 😄 which is great. Learning to host is a skill.
she is invited to lots of events, and also host and organised. They have a core group of 7 friends and a wider group of 25/30. Just help her, social skills must be learnt.

our youngest has always been socially very active. But our eldest needed support from us to blossom. She s now 17,5 and couldnt be happier in her own skin.

help her.