Post natal depression, please help

[cuppatea7]

My DS is 8 months old and yesterday I finally broke down and admitted I’m not coping.

I don’t recognise myself anymore.

I have a DD who is 3 and I never experienced this, I was the happiest I’d ever been after I gave birth to her.

I went to the doctor a couple of months ago for my depression and was referred to the mental health in pregnancy and post natal team, they have been brilliant but due to DS being hospitalised with RSV, I missed my last appointment with the psychiatrist.

I have a long history of depression and anxiety since my early teens, I had a bad childhood and have done everything I can to turn it around but the black cloud seems to follow me and reappear every now and then but since my son has been born it’s like it’s constantly with me and I cannot cope yet I’ve been making myself put on a happy face and keep going and I finally crashed yesterday.

I have been so stupid and reckless with money, I’ve been gambling on slots online and I’ve lost all of my money. I won £800 when DS was 9 weeks old and then put it all back and have chased it ever since.

DH is being supportive but understandably and rightly so upset.

DS has CMPA, hasn’t slept more than 3 hours a night since he was born. I’m exhausted, a different type of exhausted than I’ve ever felt before, I can feel it in my bones. He’s been hospitalised 3 times with RSV, I am an anxious mess all of the time and I’ve stopped being able to deal with most things, however small, even doing a load of laundry feels huge to me.

I haven’t stopped crying since yesterday morning, I feel like an utter failure and I’ve let my children and husband down. I’m vomiting and my heart is racing constantly.

We run our own business and DH has had to go in today. I have this awful feeling of wanting to escape my own body and mind, I just want to curl up in bed and sleep for a week. I would never harm myself, mainly because I would never do that to my children and DH but I also don’t want to feel like this anymore either.

The psychiatrist cannot see me until next week but I have a telephone appointment with my GP at 10:45 and I’m hoping he can give me something to calm me down.

Please tell me this gets better because I cannot see how I’m ever going to recover from this.

Hi, I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. It's truly awful. I don't know if I have much advice only that I've been in a similar position with PND and it WILL get better 💖💖. You are doing the right things asking for help. Be really honest with the doctor. Do you have a support network of any friends or family around that could help you at all? Have the baby for a few hrs so you have some time to sleep or do something for yourself maybe?
I just wanted you to know that you are not alone 💐xxxx

Hi OP. I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. I spent the first 18 months of DD's life feeling like I was pretending to be a mum and not really understanding how anyone could describe the love that gets spoken about. And I also spent far too much money on things to make myself feel better.

I'm glad your DH is being supportive. Sometimes crying it all out is just what your body needs to do while your brain deals with everything.

Keep talking for now, I'm sure the GP will be able to give you something.

It absolutely will get better. Well done for reaching out for help. I'm sure your gp will be able to give you something to help and then you are lined up for the psychiatrist next week. I know your DH is busy with work but can he or anyone else take over for a night so you can get a full night sleep?

Thank you all.

DH had DS in the living room last night so I slept but I kept waking in total panic and having to be sick then falling back to sleep and repeat.

DS was in hospital again for 3 nights a couple of weeks ago and I’ve probably totalled 2 hours of broken sleep a night since then and I just feel absolutely broken.

My Dad is coming at midday to see the children and be with them so I can go and get some shopping but it feels like a mammoth task and I just feel so ashamed that I cannot even handle taking my children to a supermarket. Going alone is daunting enough. I feel like I’ve lost a total grip on reality and I’m so scared.

That's good your dad is able to help. Would it be worth putting off the shopping for a couple of hours and going to sleep? No point in trailing round a supermarket feeling absolutely done in. Assuming you drive it sounds like you wouldn't be safe at the moment to drive so tired. I'm sure your dad would prefer for you get a sleep first than risk an accident at the wheel.

I assume DS is being treated / using allergen free milk or you have cut out cows milk if you are breastfeeding?

Also, please don't feel ashamed about any of this. Hormones and sleep deprivation are absolute torture. I haaaaated taking DD out by myself as I worried about what would happen if she needed fed or changed or if she cried in public!

Handling 2 whilst shopping, I think I would have chopped off my own arm to avoid it!

Oh love 😢 I'm so sorry you're feeling so unwell. PND is so horrible. You are not alone, it's very common and you have nothing to feel ashamed of. Well done for being open about how you're feeling and getting help. If you've got supportive family, it's ok to lean on them. You're not well and it's ok to need help, so don't feel bad.

I had PND after my 2nd baby and I remember feeling as you do, that I didn't recognise myself. I felt my husband and kids would be better off without me, although I would never have harmed myself, I just felt like a terrible mother, wife and person. This is what the illness does - anxiety is a nasty bastard that tells you lies about yourself. The truth is, you're a great mother who loves her children very much.

I would say it took me a year to feel truly like myself again. Not that I was very bad every day but I had good days and bad days and gradually the good days outweighed the bad and I got better. I was on antidepressants for a good year and it just lifted my head above water.

Just wanted to give you some hope - you will recover and you will feel like yourself again. Keep talking to your loved ones about how you're feeling, don't bottle it up. Sending you a big unmumsnetty hug 💐

I hope the GP call was helpful.