AIBU to think we are not invited to his birthday?

[hangonwhilstioverthinkthis]

Moved house last year and are now ~30 mins from DM and partner. They were excited and always say it’s lovely we’re close.

Since moving we've invited them to join us for things maybe 2–3x a month (birthdays, roasts, BBQs, walks, events etc). They usually attend, not always (which is fine) but they’re always invited/informed.

They haven’t invited us to anything (no obligation to, but feels relevant). They’ve said they assume we’re busy; we’ve made clear we’re not (we moved for DH’s job and know noone here. If there's something going on we usually invite/tell them). Have also said on a few occasions that we're aware they have a lovely life here and we don't want to encroach, but would love to be included when they have time/space/inclination. Basically have said we'd never invite ourselves along to anything but if they'd like our company let me know as (given that we know v few people and with young kids basically never have evening plans) we're generally free.

It’s DM’s partner’s birthday this weekend. A few weeks ago I asked about gifts and was told he'd let me know. Followed it up conversationally the same day asking if they have any plans (they often go away for the weekend) and was told they didn't have anything organised. In a further attempt to prompt discussion about it we invited them last week to join a birthday party at our house in late May. They said they wouldn't miss it, but that was the end of the chat.

Now it’s Wednesday and we’ve heard nothing. I feel so awkward. I don’t want them to think we're not bothered/have forgotten, but equally in my brain it's rude to invite yourself to things. If I text and say 'any time we can pop over this weekend?' they may feel obliged to accommodate us when they otherwise weren't going to, for example.

He's been part of the fam for about 10 years and we've seen him for other birthdays (when we lived on the other side of the country). My kids consider this guy to be their grandad. He's always bringing up the importance of family and how lovely it is to be part of our lives and have us closer now, this silence feels really off.

WWYD?

YABU: just suck up the awkwardness and contact them about dropping off a card.
YANBU: you've made it clear that you'd wait for an invite, you haven't had one, so you're just not invited.

They said they had no plans so what are you expecting an invite to ?

Gosh you’re really over thinking it. All feels a bit much. Just text and say when is suitable to pop Dave’s card over.

and then try to make some friends your age.

Honestly, if you already see them 2-3x a month, they probably want time to themselves and don’t want to do more stuff with you. And most people don’t care about birthday presents after about 25. I imagine he hasn’t informed you of what to buy for his birthday because he isn’t 12 and he doesn’t want a present and just wants to enjoy a weekend with his partner without having to manage everyone else’s expectations for his birthday. Just pop a card in the post and send him a message on the day. That’s all you need to do.

Maybe they are planning a romantic evening together.

The clues in the username!

It's blooming hard carving a social life when everyone our age has young children. We've joined the local rugby club, pta etc but largely it's focussed around the kids and then people head home. Evening/weekend invites or stuff that's aimed at adults feels scant. I even tried the WI, but that did not hit the 'my age' criteria 😂

Fair point. I think because he brings up how much he values family alot (as in basically every time we see him, a lot) that I expected that we would get together for occasions like birthdays! We've had 3 in our house since we moved and have always said 'hey we'll be having a slice of cake after school on Xday for y's birthday, you're welcome to come if you'd like!' or similar.

Simple but everyone knows where they stand.

What are you hoping to be invited to? Can’t you just post the card? They said they had no plans, do you think they’re having a secret party without you? I am very close to my in-laws, but I’d never even think of inviting them to a birthday - or my parents! They’re probably hoping to have a nice evening in at home, nice dinner, or maybe go to a restaurant.

You can value family (I certainly do!) and not invite them to adult birthdays. I only think of cake cutting for children etc, they probably don’t do that as two adults on their own. Do you think this stems from not having any friends in the area?

Hmm this is a tricky one. My DP sometimes invite us round, usually when one of my siblings are already visiting. Most of the time I ring them and say 'do you have plans later/tomorrow or can we drop round?'

In your mind you have made several hints but they might not see it that way. Without knowing them, it's tricky to know whether you are best to leave it or to say 'are you free Sat afternoon for us to pop round?'. Could you go with something in the middle e.g. 'would be great to pop round and catch up, plus wish Dave a Happy Birthday. Would.this work for you either this weekend or next weekend? No worries if not, we'll see you at X'.

@Strandas just to see them. Doesn't need to be on the day.

It feels like a big shift from this messaging:
'we'd love you to move here, we'd love to be more involved with the kids and see you guys more!'
'its so wonderful having you just up the road so we can do things together' (when we said we were heading to the beach for the day and they were welcome to join if they were free)
'theres nothing more important than family, it's so wonderful now we can just pop along to things like this' (said at DS's nativity)
Invited them to see us for DD's birthday at the end of the month (not to the party or anything, just to come over and have a slice of cake) 'absolutely we'd love to, wouldn't miss it'

To then hear absolutely nothing from their end whatsoever on this. Can't be that it only seems one sided to me? If we stopped inviting them to things would it just fizzle? Actually I can probably answer that, as there haven't really been any events or outings since early March other than this and we've basically not seen them. So would seem that if we don't invite them then it'd just be fine. I've never lived near family, it's actually been a real effort for me to think to invite them as I've lived my entire adult life 5+ hours away from family and am very independent. But they were so excited/encouraging of having us close by I've wanted to include them and foster the relationship they are giving the impression they want with comments like the above 🤷🏼‍♀️

Getting the strong impression from the comments I should just leave them be though. We're surrounded by people now who live close to their families (little villages, people stay close or leave and come back) and it seems people are always off to grandmas for something. Perhaps it's given me a skewed idea of normal.

@Strandas hand on heart I don't think so. As I just said in my most recent comment I've really had to remind myself to include/invite them as I'm so used to it being my little household for the best part of a decade and we're a content little crew. But they've been so vocal about how lush it is to have the grandkids close by I've made a real effort to make sure they're invited. And it genuinely has been really lovely seeing them with the children. There's something beautiful about grandparents and grandkids when they get along 🥰

I think I'm also worried that DM will turn around in a few weeks and say something about us missing his birthday/not making an effort. Though if that was said it probably wouldn't be to me directly. I'd hear it through the grapevine.

I think I might have to otherwise I'm gonna spend even more time overthinking it and worrying it'll come back to bite me that they've been to all our birthdays and we 'missed' or 'ignored' his (even if we sent a card by post). Regardless of there being/not being invites, that's how I feel it would be viewed.

Message your mum and say are you free this weekend or next we could go out for some lunch for Xs birthday.

I can’t EVER imagine not being able to ring my mum up and talk to her about this non issue. Also I hope my DC are never like this with me,

Can’t you just ring and say “the kids are wondering what time we are popping in to give Bob his gift and have a slice of cake?”

@Dazzlemered I really hope your DC aren't either. Please don't take for granted having a drama free relationship with your mum, it's a special thing, one I'm most envious of and trying hard to cultivate with my own children.

You sound like a really lovely and generous person OP! & it is really shit moving to a new area and not having friends nearby, so I feel for you in that respect.

But, this sounds like you’re over complicating a very uncomplicated scenario.

Don’t assume anything is happening in terms of a celebration/party. If you have bought your mums partner a card and present, I’d text them tomorrow and say “Is it okay if we come by and drop off Dave’s gift on Saturday?” See what they reply with and if they’re free how about suggesting an afternoon out or getting some lunch?

Can’t you just ask your mum if it is ok to pop over with a card/gift etc. We are probably similar ages to your parents and don’t really do birthday parties. We are more likely to do a family dinner out or sometimes just us.

Maybe they want to spend it alone, together?
I honestly wouldn’t give it a seconds thought! Make your own plans this weekend OP - do either of you have hobbies to make friends? Are the DCs at school, chat to parents at pick ups etc.?

I messaged. They'd assumed we were busy. I honestly don't know how I'm giving off this vibe of having the diary of a travelling CEO. I've lost count of the number of times over the years I've said I'm not too busy to hear from her, and especially since moving we rarely have plans. We've been spontaneously making plans on the day on weekends, exploring the local area etc, but if you'd text me a day or two before then yup....we're not busy!

Anyway, I'm taking the children and the cards over on the weekend to say happy birthday.

Thanks for the pep talk all. I think I'd have been too chicken to text without a Mumsnet kick up the bum.

Have you any siblings? What are their thoughts

As an adult daughter I've never been "invited" to my mums. Im there most days to drop off/pick up my youngest for school but often just drop in if I'm passing. I'd find it bizarre to wait to be invited.

I have an adult daughter who has moved out and she just comes by whenever she wants. Occasionally there's a "you in?" text but most often she just appears. I've never invited her either.

Just go? It's your mum!

Try a different WI. I did and I’m now with a lovely one.

Just send a card and leave it at that.
Let them get in touch with you and
ask them if one of the can cover over to pick up the birthday present.

I think you want more from.them than they are willing to give. Plan your life around your family not them.

My DDad is always rolling out the “I’m sure you’re very busy” line. In his case it stems from a crippling fear of being a burden, overstaying his welcome etc etc. I’m constantly having to say that we’re not busy, we’d love to have him over, no we’re not making a special effort, and so on. Maybe they’re similar.