Friendship triangle

[Jasmine222]

I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable in this situation and looking for advice.

I used to have a group of 3 friends, lets say Jane, Susan and myself. We’d been friends for 5 years and done lots of things together – hikes, rowing trips, dinners, weekends away. 3 years ago, Susan was going through a divorce and having a hard time. She got emotional whenever either of the two of us were going on date nights with our husbands and lashed out a fair few times. Jane took it harder than myself and was less sympathetic towards Susan. Ultimately we sort of grew apart and fell out, which made Jane and I both sad. However, last year, Susan and I reconnected gradually over our kids doing the same after-school activity. I gradually started to understand where she had been coming from on some occasions and realized that she’d been having a really hard time following her divorce and that it had been hard for her to see us in our happy marriages. We’ve pretty much reconciled and now do a weekly sporting activity together.

Where the ‘Aibu’ comes in . Jane and Susan have not reconciled and Jane is feeling jealous and resentful that I’m friends with Susan again while she isn’t. She send me a message this morning saying that she’s hurt that Susan and I went to dinner last week. I don’t know what to do – Susan isn’t interested in reconciling with Jane as she feels Jane was less sympathetic towards her at the time when she was suffering, Jane also still feels hurt by various things Susan said. I just want to stay out of it… as far as I’m concerned, I’m friends with Jane, and I’m glad I’m friends with Susan again.

AIBU to continue to be friends with both?

You are being unreasonable = you should take Jane’s feelings into consideration
You are not being unreasonable = you’re all adults and you’re entitled to be friends with whomever you want to.

twos company threes a crowd great saying.

Tell them to sort it out between the two of them. It's nothing to do with you.

Tell them you are too old for this shit and you want to maintain both friendships.

You need some rules though - no listening to badmouthing for a start.

Invite them both over to your house, without telling each of them. They can air their differences and be heard by each other. Most likely all will be forgiven on both sides and they can start again.

Alternatively, pick a side and stick with it. As every time you see either of them you are rubbing salt into wounds.

Unless you like this situation; basking in being ‘liked’ on both sides, while you sit on the fence pretending to be neutral.

The thing is I genuinely feel neutral. I like them both and see both sides. So how and why should I pick a side? I did actually try to organize a group event where they ended up talking to each other and it was ok-ish but I don't get the impression they're going to "make up" enough to be close friends again. Susan isn't bothered that I'm friends with Jane and doesn't bad-mouth her. I think Jane is feeling hurt that I've made up with Susan but I don't know how to fix that. I can't ditch Susan just to placate Jane?

Jane needs to feel included once again - not betrayed. Invite them both once again. Keep doing this until Jane feels better about the situation.

I haven't voted, but I think I feel more sympathetic to Jane than Susan. She shouldn't have taken her pain out on her friends. It wasn't your fault her marriage fell apart and yours didn't, and she can't expect Jane to apologise for Susan's own bad handling of a tough time in her life.

You can be friends with both, but it does sound like it may strain your friendship with Jane. If you really want to see both friends, you'll just have to explain the situation to them, separately, and probably implement a rule that you won't discuss one with the other. They're adults and should understand that. If they don't, I suppose you'll have to choose one friend or lose them both—or more likely, the friendships will limp along for a while, but one or both will be damaged.

You could try to reunite the group, but if they're both still angry or hurt, that's unlikely to work. They don't sound as though they're mature enough or bothered enough to make the necessary effort.

Can you explain why Jane would feel betrayed? I'd like to understand how she feels to see her point of view and I'm struggling with that right now.

How long was Susan off the scene?

To be honest I can see both sides. I do agree about Susan but also there were situations where Susan was clearly struggling and Jane would say things like "Why are you making that face Susan?" and sort of call her out drawing attention to the irrational feelings that she was trying to keep to herself. It made Susan feel needled at a time where she was trying to control herself because she knew her feelings of envy about our marriages were irrational.
It's hard, I genuinely like them both and would like to be friends with them separately.

2 years

And you spent these 2 years with Jane and never saw Susan?

Yes, with Jane, various other friends, my sisters, other family...Jane was never my only friend.

Susan returns to the scene which for Jane, stirs painful memories of a lost friendship, that she strongly believes was not her fault. It most likely took her a long while to comes to terms with it too. However, you skip happily over to Susan to welcome her back like the prodigal son, without a second thought for or an ounce of empathy for Jane and her feelings. Whilst you two cosy-up, she’s been made the scapegoat of the bust-up that was caused by Susan’s emotional state and she feels betrayed by you for doing this to her. She thought the past was left in the past but now it’s back in the present but doesn’t include her.

It’s hurtful OP. But you do you.

OP, while friendships can ebb and flow, telling someone who else to be friends with is not what friends do. Jane sounds jealous of the time you spend with Susan but she has left herself out and I doubt it would be much fun for you to see them together. I think I would stick to being friends with both and wouldn't mention it to Jane.

I think it is heartwarming that you and Susan have rekindled your friendship and I wouldn't let Jane make it awkward. If Jane doesn't want to spend time with you because you also see Susan, that is her decision to make. She sounds a little controlling and might not completely have your best interests at heart.

If you need to discuss it with Jane might it be possible to just state that you intend being friends with both, and with other people you might meet in the future also? I think if you politely stick to your guns on this one Jane will find a way around it and if she doesn't that is her choice. What she can't do is make such choices for you. Nobody should do that.

You sound like you don't want to upset anyone OP, which is good as long as you don't neglect what's best for you whilst trying to keep everyone happy. You are allowed to pick your own friends and they don't need to all like each other. Hope it works out.

Jane is being ridiculous and YANBU

Ok, I can see that. But I was also
hurt to lose Susan's friendship and am grateful that we've managed to reconcile. How could I tell Susan "I'm going to have to never speak to you again because you haven't also reconciled with Jane"? Because Jane and I aren't the same person...

This.
I wouldn't try to get them together at all, just spend time with each of them separately but without discussing either of them with the other
No-one should be trying to dictate who you spend your time with.

Surely the conversation that you have is with Jane? Her pov is understandable and she feels hurt, so discuss with her. Can you acknowledge that Susan behaved badly and does Susan acknowledge that, whilst explainable, her behaviour caused problems?

It’s highly likely you’ll end up losing Jane and Susan will go awol again (during some future crisis) so at some stage neither will be your friends.

Susan acknowledges that she behaved badly, while also feeling that Jane contributed to the fall out more than I did, by "needling" her, which Jane did do. Neither Jane nor Susan seem very inclined to reconcile and I think the issue is that Jane feels somehow jelaous and betrayed because I've (gradually) rekindled my friendship with her. I'd ultimately just like to do what's natural to me which is continue my good friendship with Jane and equally continue to get along with Susan as I'm genuinely glad we were able to move past it. It sucks to feel like there's a "one or the other" thing going on.

Just be friends with them both, it’s her own fault she feels left out she could try and make things right by apologising but sounds like she wants to play victim.

My personal opinion is that I feel they both have things to apologize to the other for but neither wants to. And I dont want to get involved because I dont feel I should be the mediator :(

Jane is a bit antagonistic isn’t she. First to Susan, now to you. Don’t let her do that to you. Tell her it’s nothing to do with you, she has the option to reconcile with Susan or drop it, she’s not the boss of you.

the elephant in the room is that Jane antagonised Susan. She’s not owning her part in the fall out.

is it possible that Jane wanted you all to herself, all along…

Im sorry you are feeling in the middle here.
I understand you feeling sympathetic to Susan and her divorce ,but without knowing what "things" Susan said to Jane that made her feel so adamantly about Susan after time has elapsed its hard to comment on her perspective.
If i were you,when Jane messaged to say she was Upset about you going out with Susan and doesnt want to reconcile with her,i would have been honest and said i fully respect your position but ive decided to reconcile with Susan. Jane can then either accept that or not,you may lose Jane as friend but thats her choice.