Was I wrong for leaving?

[Annarose93]

I split up with my ex last year but we are still in contact. I’m not sure whether I made the right decision.
I have a 6 year old daughter and he has a 7 year old son - no children together.
We met when our children were 3 and 4 and we spent two year living separately until my ex was buying a new house which was at the same time my rental tenancy was ending and we decided to blend families and move into his new house.
The kids absolutely loved it.
My ex earns £105k per year and I earn £35k per year. We live up north and he purchased his house for £400k so his bill were quite high.
I was contributing £900pm and paying for the food shop for the 4 of us on top of this for context.
It became apparent to me that we were living complete separate lives financially. I had barely anything left at the end of the month once I paid for wrap around care etc whereas he had much more disposable income. Whenever I mentioned it to him he would remind me that my rent used to cost me the same so he didn’t understand why I was moaning.
We spoke about the future and he said the house would go to his son and he would write a clause that if he was to die, his son would have to give me and my daughter 6 months to find somewhere.
He said if I could match his £40k deposit, he would name me on the house. (Sadly whilst paying the £900pm it’s unrealistic for me to find £40k)

Anyway, I decided to leave. I decided to move back in with my parents to allow me to build a deposit to buy my own house so that my daughter has some security when she is older.
I now have a deposit of £25k which should allow me to purchase a small house for my daughter and I but I can’t help but feel really sad and worried if I made the right decision. I never wanted his money, I just didn’t feel comfortable with the way things were going and me not having any security for my daughter.
My daughter did seem a lot happier in that environment and often asks why we don’t live there anymore. The guilt that I have moved her away from it makes me doubt my theories and worries 🥲

I don't think you're unreasonable to want to purchase your own property and provide security for yourself and your daughter. The reality is, if you move into someone's house and have no claim on the property, he can kick you out any time he feels like it. He obviously doesn't care that you were left with very little disposable income after paying for all your outgoings.

I wouldn't move in together with someone unless there was financial security, i.e. buying a property together.

He was charging you market rate rent whilst earning nearly 3x your salary. He was looking out for number 1. I would argue you shouldn't have paid rent at all. I think you've done the right thing and set a better example for your daughter.

I've been married for about a hundred years and I have lots of friends in various relationships and my absolute belief is that the only way for a long term committed relationship to work and be healthy is for there to be no barriers or meanness around money. Money has to be joint, and both partners have to be happy with how it's managed.

I know a few married couples who maintained separate accounts, jointly paid bills, that sort of thing and they always ended up getting into situations where one partner was struggling due to job loss or illness or something and that fully and horrifically exposed how disconnected they were. In one case it was a wake up call and they stopped doing separate money, which made their relationship infinitely better, but in the other cases they got into this horrendous situation where one partner was suffering and the other one was counting pennies and talking about how much they were owed. Needless to say those relationships didn't last.

He valued his money more than he valued you. Instead of seeing you as a partner that he wanted to build a life with, he saw you as a business associate who had to meet certain criteria in order to be acceptable. That is no way to live. You were right to leave.

As for the fact that your daughter isn't happy about it - I mean this in the nicest way possible - you can't base massive life decisions on what your child wants, especially when the child doesn't understand the implications.

You did the right thing. Well done for saving 25K, I hope you’re both very happy in your new home. Your daughter will definitely appreciate being left the house one day too. You’ve provided her a lifetime safety net.

You're my hero 😍

You absolutely did the right thing. And when your daughter is older you can explain to her why you did it and why it's important to make decisions with our heads as well as our hearts!

Sounds like you did absolutely the right thing! He was living high on the hog at your expense.

You can’t take financial or household advice from a 6 yo. You just can’t. She isn’t old enough to understand what’s going on.

She’ll probably be happy again once you have your own place!

You did the right thing leaving

Your daughter will learn a valuable boundaries when she is older

You have done the right thing.
You are securing your future and that of your child.
So many others would have drifted along, keeping fingers crossed and then been very vulnerable and helpless when it all went pear shaped.
Well done. You’re an example to all who need an example of clear headed thinking.

Absolute no brainer. You did the right thing.

I bet once she has her own room just how she wants it there won't be any mention of the old house..
Well done op. You saw he was taking advantage..

You have done the right thing not only to protect your DD’s future but yours. He didn’t have your back, if things had gone bad at any point you would have no claim to anything there, and even if you did, with such difference in salary I doubt you would have a chance to be a good match to keep a legal battle against him.

Your child and you are in a better footing now. If he really cared, he would have agreed to a compromise to protect you both but no, he was treating you either as a flat mate with no regard to the fact that while he was putting part of his income/assets in this operation, you were putting EVERYTHING you had.

You made the right decision.

Another echoing that you 100% done the right thing.

Well done OP as it will have been a tough decision, especially as your daughter was happy.

But you've already taught her such an important lesson - never be financially dependent on a man! 🙏

You were living in his house paying towards his home and son’s future, the bills you paid didn’t reflect the difference in pay between you both. You would and daughter would’ve been kicked out if the relationship ended
You will buy your own house and be paying towards your daughter’s future.
You made completely the right decision!!