DH secret illness

[HostesswiththeProtest]

DH has found out he has a serious illness. It can be life threatening but thankfully, in his case, is likely to be resolved with treatment as it’s been found earlier than usual.

He's told me but no-one else, and he’s asked me not to say anything to anyone. He’s not told
his employer (he likely won’t need time off and is fit for work, currently), his friends, his parents, no-one. Reasons vary from not wanting people to pity / feel sorry for him, there’s no reason to because it’s going to be fine, and not wanting to worry people with no reason.

I’m obviously going to respect his wishes but it’s difficult. I’m understandably worried and it would be nice to confide in a friend about how I’m feeling. I know it’s not about me, before anyone says that, but it does impact me.

DH is very self-reliant and private about personal stuff, always has been.

AIBU to feel this way?

Of course you want to share the shock of this news with someone. It's absolutely natural to want to do it. If DH wants you to keep it to yourself, he will have to be willing to talk to you about it.
Otherwise, its a trip to the counsellor.

Your feelings aren’t unreasonable, but doing anything other than what your DH has consented to in regards to his very sensitive private health information would be unreasonable. If it becomes unbearable, you can see if your DH would be ok with you seeing and telling a psychologist or therapist because patient confidentiality would apply.

You should be able to talk to someone about this. Do you have a close friend you can trust who’s not too close to your dh?
My mum had terminal cancer and was adamant no one bar me, dh, my sister, dad and her sister knew. I did get support from dh and a couple of friends who don’t know mum. But it was really hard for dad as they don’t have a lot of friends but he would have liked support from his sister.
When we held the funeral we had to have the priest explain we were respecting her wishes as a lot of the family were shocked and hurt they didn’t get to say goodbye.

I agree with respecting his wishes to keep it private, but OP really doesn't need his permission to see a therapist.

you do need to talk to someone and you certainly don’t need his permission to do so confidentially. He really has no right to tell you how to deal with this stress. He may be in denial, and indeed want it all swept under the rug but secrets kill.

Wow the double standards on this thread are mental, imagine if a husband disclosed his wife’s health issues with his mates after she told him not to?? it isn’t appropriate to discuss your husband private medical diagnosis with anyone else as he has asked you not to. You said so yourself that he is fit to work, not likely to need time off etc and that his condition is manageable. Why all the worry then? Talk to him about it but don’t take the advice on this thread and tell a friend and keep it a secret from him, it isn’t your news to share.

i think if you need to talk it out as your process, and he needs to box it off and move on as his process your a bit stuck. Him asking you not to tell anyone is his right, as it’s his personal info, but that means he has to be your sounding board and talk about the situation with you, else you have no way to follow your way of processing and just end up the dumping ground.

I think this is different. Op is needing support from a close friend. And I think that should also apply to a spouse/ partner, whatever their sex. If my dh asked this of me, and I don’t think he would, I think it wouldn’t be unreasonable to say this is unrealistic and to choose one friend and to make sure it’s someone supportive rather than slack mouthed.

I don't think you have the right to tell another person his private medical information. His way of coping is to carry on as normal. I'm a bit that way myself, I think it's a bit like being a wounded animal ( sorry if that sounds dramatic or disrespectful) who wants to hide away. Other people tell everyone, that's how they cope. I would go along the therapist route, find a professional to talk to. If it's an illness where a charity has the facility to offer support I would try that first, as having a person on the other end of the phone is really useful.

He has a right to privacy but I also get why you want to talk to someone. Is there someone you both know you can 100% trust that he would agree to you confiding in knowing it would go no further?

You know that old cliché "A secret's only a secret between 2 people"? He's asked you not to tell anyone and I think you have to respect that - as someone who is a very private person, he would no doubt be really hurt if he found out that you'd discussed it with someone else.

For what it's worth, I'm in exactly the same position with my DH at the moment. Like your DH, it's been picked up early so hopefully it'll be a long time (if ever) before it really because a problem. Obviously if things change then we'd have to have a rethink but for the time being, we're just carrying on as normal.

All the best to you both 🌹

Could you share that there is a problem that’s worrying you, but it’s not something you can talk about? I know that reeks of a mysterious, attention seeking FB post, but I have said to people in the past that I’m a bit distracted, something’s going on, but it’s not something I can share.

For various reasons, DH knew about his company’s (and his own) redundancies before they were announced. I told people we had a problem we were dealing with.

I was in this situation exactly for several weeks. We were in a cancer bubble and he didn't want anyone else involved. He finally told his father and brother 5 weeks after the diagnosis, so more than 2 months after all the tests started.

I found the secrecy very hard, and I did end up telling a close friend at work with her own experience of cancer in the family, and I didn't let him know I'd done that. I respected his wish that we didn't tell family. You can't imagine how much I wanted a hug from my mum in those horrific early days, but she didn't know.

Do not tell anyone. He is dealing with it in his own way, and it would be a breach of trust to tell anyone else without his permission.

My husband has a relatively serious health issue. He doesn't talk about it a lot. I have confided in a very discreet friend who doesn't live in my own country (we went to school together and have been friends for 50 years) and I have found the support helpful and comforting - I mean nothing quiets those midnight what if thoughts but it has helped.

My sister has a cancer diagnosis and asked this of me. I’m struggling. I’m so frightened. My friends can see something is up and asking if I’m OK but I can’t say anything. I’m not even a big confider of problems. I cry spontaneously, and I am NOT a crier. I have learned that if I ever get a diagnosis and want no one to know, then I will keep it to myself and tell absolutely no one. I know her burden is far more terrifying, but this is the most terrifying thing I’ve ever experienced in my life as well. I’m having to avoid people to keep the secret.

Chat gpt is your friend here. You can process your feelings about the illness and the toll of keeping it secret.

I understand you wanting to talk OP, but this isn't your secret to tell. He is entitled to his privacy and if this medical issue should be resolved so that it doesn't turn into something serious then hopefully it will only be an issue for a short time. Talk to ChatGPT, post on MN, don't confide in friends.

By the sounds of it, I am assuming it’s cancer. I am young and with a family and also going through the same thing. I am sadly not in the same position as your husband but I have said the same thing, bar immediate family and line manager I don’t want anyone to know. Not any colleagues, family, friends, for the exact same reasons. I don’t want the pity; it’s the absolute worst. Sympathetic “how are you” with sad eyes talking to you like you’re a baby. It’s just horrible.

So I do sympathise with your husband. But it’s not easy for you either. His team should have specialist nurses who can point you both in the right direction of counsellors. Also, if it is C then macmillion do wonders too.