AIBU to find long catch-ups with old friends emotionally tiring?

[Knackeredknickknacks]

Does anyone else find occasional catchups with long-term friends who you don’t see very often incredibly tiring?

I have two friends who I have known since school (am 46 now). We catch up several times a year, but because it has always been awhile, they always want there long intense catch-ups, which are frankly exhausting. It’s not that I don’t care about them, but I find dissecting eveyone’s lives and issues for 3-4 hours straight very draining. AIBU?

Don't know why it's intense. Aren't these supposed to be fun? Maybe you need to drink more when you meet!

That sounds needlessly earnest. I wouldn’t match that vibe if I were there. Identify who is leading the over - intensity and say to them out loud that youd love things to lighten up a bit.

Yes, I agree. But then I've always found social interactions draining and need time to recover afterwards.

What environment do you meet in? Coffee shop, restaurant, home? That can often impact on how you feel after a meet up. And do you meet one friend at a time, or is there more than one friend at the meet up?

It's a lot to take in in one go - you might well be over stimulated.

Why don't you suggest doing an activity together rather than a long catch up over drinks/lunch? Therefore you're making more fun memories together rather than dissecting relationships

You say you don't see them very often, but you also say that you catch up several times a year

Quite confusing

Are they discussing intense topics? Is that what you mean?

Yes, I think this is what we need to do. We all used to have a shared hobby when younger, but is not practical for us to do in this phase of life, so probably need to find another bonding experience!

No i love catching up with old friends

Good to have this perspective! I think several times a year is plenty too, but the others are always bemoaning the fact that we don’t see each other more often. We live in the same city but not close to each other, so with all the other things going on in life, I find that several times a year is all I can fit in.

Yes, the topics are often intense. Relationship issues etc.

Why do you keep going @Knackeredknickknacks if you don’t enjoy them? Do you speak much outside of the meet ups?
I have a group of long term friends who I see every couple of months but speak to most days. We have the best time catching up, it’s so relaxed because we’ve known each other forever and we leave feeling lighter because we’ve all got to unload. Is that what you mean by intense? That it’s always deep and meaningful?

I am a left wing-ish introvert, but honestly the fragile snowflakes of Mumsnet really bring out my inner harrumphing colonel Telegraph reader. Yes, YABU to be so frightfully put out by having to talk for several hours (the horror!) to longstanding friends. Maybe google some of the threads on loneliness on here, and be grateful you have friends and people who care what’s been going on in your life? It’s not a given.

Agree. How can you be 'exhausted' by having a quick catch up with your mates?!

Yes I think I know how you feel. I think it’s best to do an activity together or put a timer on the meeting ie just a coffee and cake rather than an open ended evening.

I don't even understand. In what way are they intense? Do you mean you prefer shorter meet-ups? Like 2 hours instead of 4 or something?

I feel similar. I have avoided arranging another meet up with a good friend ( know eachother since school) because we lead very different lives and frankly I don’t know why we still do this. It’s draining spending a whole evening talking intently about eachothers virtually unconnected lives and I wish there was a nice way to just politely and with so much fondness call it a day. Easier to break up with a boyfriend. The love is there but it just isn’t compatible or enjoyable anymore.

I saw a thread recently saying we should be grateful for the close acquaintances in our lives who we see frequently and casually and enjoy time with in coexisting lives, even if they're not life long ‘best friends’. It really resonated with me.

Yeah recently I’ve been finding it tiring. I have some friends I only see every couple of years partly due to distance. Tbh right now I am the one with a lot to share - I have things I’ve been dealing with since 2024, but it’s hard to sit and talk about it all with people I’ve not spoken to on the phone or in person for ages.

It’s much easier to share here and there with the people I’m in regular communication with because I don’t need to dump a load of news on them, which would be exhausting for both myself and them.

I am growing weary of this catch up culture and like a pp said I’m increasingly grateful for the ones I see or at least talk to frequently, and get to make new memories with doing fun things - even if they are not old or even my closest friends.

Oh god, I can relate to this...

Going on about some man she was involved with here 40 years ago....

Yawn.

Yes, this is it exactly!

I'm glad someone said this, I've had friends I feel that way about too. It's so hard when you shared a chapter of your life with someone and were genuinely close, but years or decades later you have almost nothing in common, and time together just becomes catching up on things you've done in the others' absence.
I think the closest life-long friendships have to involve some shared activity or interest that goes beyond just sharing your personal lives. It's a shame because people can be incredibly nice and you can wish them all the best, but that line about 'virtually unconnected lives' resonated with me. Unless someone is very charismatic or outgoing or has lots of stories to share (and this certainly doesn't describe me!), it can be a bit draining and boring just to talk about someone's personal life all evening and nothing else, especially if it involves having to keep track of a bunch of their other friends, colleagues, acquaintances, family members who I don't also know and are unlikely to meet. I think friendships work best when you are integrated into each other's lives in some way, whether that's common interests, a shared friendship group or activities you do together. Otherwise I think it can be tough!

Well, honestly, thinking about my old friends, and our ‘ catch ups’ … the friends I really enjoy, I always enjoy our time together. But I had one or two old friends who were, in truth, always slightly less enjoyable, and still are, and in fact one of those is now very very dreary and seeing her is a duty not a pleasure. So I think if it is a bit draining now, it was probably à bit draining then, but you just had a bigger battery.